how to create a stay-at-home routine you'll stick to

If you struggle with executive function and attention regulation like me, this post is for you! If not, it's probably very oversimplified and perhaps these are things you've been putting into practice since you were a child. But to all my mamas who just can't seem to get it together, I really hope this can be of help to you and make you feel less alone.

I've wanted to adopt a steady routine to my day for years with no success. Our days are very free form and we are relaxed homeschoolers, and there's nothing there to anchor us. Nowhere to be, no real start or finish to anything. I felt I always ended up wasting a lot of time, and yet there wasn't enough time to complete the things I needed to do. I was drowning.

I figured a routine would kickstart my day and give it a more structured feel, but whenever I made a list of what I thought a pleasant, productive morning would look like, I failed to stick to it, time and time again. One thing was very certain -- I did not want our day to be divided into little blocks of time. I knew deep down it wouldn't work for me, but since that's how things were done when I was a child, I had this idea that that was the only "right" way to do things. I needed to let go of that; there had to be another way!


1. Be realistic; embrace your personal ideal - not a perfect ideal

During my year of "embracing imperfection" in 2017, I gave up the idea of ever following a routine because I thought it just wasn't for me. What didn't even occur to me is that in my attempt to create one, I was setting myself up for failure. I needed to admit to myself that I knew I wouldn't wake up at 6am. I knew I wouldn't make a huge meal of scrambled eggs, french toast, and bacon every morning. And I knew I wouldn't start homeschooling immediately after breakfast.

Those were all things I'd considered in the past when trying to form a routine, but none of those things (as romantic as I made them out to be) were things I would actually enjoy doing. I enjoy sleeping in, letting my kids toast their own bread without needing me, and getting around to homeschooling sometime after lunch. (I then had to convince myself that it was actually okay to wait until after lunch to sit down to homeschool. That's the beauty of homeschooling: you are on no one's schedule but your own! Your mornings can be totally lazy and slow every single day, if you want. Crazy, I know.)

Be realistic! If you have never found it easy to wake up at the crack of dawn before, what makes you think it will magically happen now? You have to work yourself up to that, and in the meantime, start by setting expectations that you can meet with pride, that will leave you feeling accomplished; not expectations that will make you feel like you've failed.


2. Make your mornings something you look forward to

I was listening to Marie Kondo's book The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up like every other American those first few days in January, and something resonated with me: Marie asked a client to visualize what they wanted their life to look like. The client mentioned hot tea, yoga, and books (my sister from another mister, I'm telling you) and it occurred to me that I could do the same thing when it came to my mornings. If I hated mornings so much, what could I do to make them something I actually did look forward to... even if it did involve the thing I despise the most -- being in the kitchen? (Unfortunately, the average human needs to eat thrice daily, and the tiny variety under the age of 10 is no different.)

I love to write, and yet never seemed to have time to sit down and do it. Once I get going, I could write for hours, but if the inspiration doesn't hit me, I find it hard to make myself do it. The problem was, I was waiting for inspiration. No matter your art form: drawing, writing, painting, sewing... doing it every day whether you feel like it or not is the only way to grow.

A part of my routine would be to make myself write for ten minutes every morning. I would sit at my desk, put on my favorite classical music and light a candle with a fresh steaming cup of coffee. This would be a pleasant ritual that I would be able to look forward to from the moment I opened my eyes. Every step leading up to that would be one step closer to that time I got to sit down and do something I love, while also pushing myself forward creatively.

What is something that makes you feel accomplished and fulfilled? Something you enjoy doing, that brings you a sense of peace? It doesn't have to be a hobby or skill! Perhaps you like watching TED talks, or maybe writing hand-written letters is something you wish you spent more time doing. Think of something that bring you joy, and include a little hygge - a candle, a special tea blend, peaceful music. Set the mood for your day!


3. Make a list of everything that needs to be done

But before you can sit down and do that one thing that will bring you joy and make you excited to get out of bed in the morning, what really needs to be done? I started by making a list of all the things I had to do. One of these was getting dressed. I didn't really get into the habit of wearing my PJs all day until Chase was born. It makes me feel lazy and gross, like my day never really begins, and I'm much more likely to sit around on the couch all morning if I'm in my comfortable pajamas. I'm not the kind of woman who is going to put makeup on every day, but getting dressed and making myself feel put together goes really far for my mental health and productivity.

I had to put things like wash face and brush teeth on my list, because I will completely forget to do these things unless I am reminded. I also wanted to make sure I took my supplements every morning without fail, because I know to see the results I want, I have to stay consistent, and this was something with which I was really struggling. Laundry is another thing I want to do everyday, because this is the only way it won't pile up and create hours of work for me, and the morning is the perfect time to toss a load into the wash.

And of course, feeding my kids would be on the list. I had dropped my expectations of beautiful breakfasts, and decided to stick to the basics: toast with jam, yogurt and fruit, frozen sausages and oatmeal. Those meals are quick and painless, and my kids can make most of them on their own. If I felt like making a warm, hearty breakfast one morning, I could, but it wasn't mandatory. Yogurt and fruit aren't the exception -- they are the norm. And that is okay.

Since we are being realistic, I can expect my kitchen to be messy every morning! It is what it is; there is no point in feeling shame over it -- but as much as I hate doing the dishes, much of my stress lies in the fact that my kitchen is a wreck, so I decided that after making breakfast and while waiting for my coffee to brew, I would clean the kitchen for ten minutes. That's it! Just ten minutes. That would be enough time to get some of the dishes out of the way and clear a space on my countertops (and my mind).

Start simple. You can't expect to wake up one morning and complete 20 different things you aren't used to doing! Begin with the basics, going off what you already do in the mornings, but have a hard time remembering or sticking to.

4. Use your natural rhythms to create pleasant, productive mornings, changing things as you go

Now knowing what I had to do and wanted to do, I could put these in a list to follow every morning. The thing is, I wanted these tasks to have a natural flow, because in order to be successful, it had to make sense with my natural rhythm.

So here's what I did: I used the Google Keep app to make a list, which can be easily changed by switching the order of the items on your list, and checking it off when it is complete. I made my routine at the start of the year and began following it daily; I started with just the basics, and as time went on I added more things that I found I wanted to include in my morning routine. Here is kind of what my routine looked like when I started out:

As with anyone with an executive functioning deficit, it was quite impossible for me to see the natural flow without actually doing it myself, so as the days went on I learned what worked best and made changes as needed. I worked slow on purpose, so I wouldn't feel overwhelmed or discouraged if I wasn't able to follow the list exactly.

Every day taught me something new; for instance, it wouldn't make sense to come downstairs to make breakfast for my kids, go back upstairs to get dressed for the day, walk back down to start my coffee, and trudge back up to get a basket of laundry for the washer. Now, I try to do all of my "upstairs tasks" in one go, and when I do come downstairs, I bring a pile of dirty laundry with me. I found it also made more sense for the laundry to be one of the first things on the list so that when I was done with everything, I could put "switch clothes to dryer" toward the end of the routine to remind myself. When I felt confident repeating the routine day after day, I would add one or two more tasks and see how and where they would naturally fit in.

Now, this is what my morning routine looks like:

I have broken down larger tasks into manageable steps and have included very small things so I won't forget them. Instead of "get ready for the day," it is get dressed, wash face, etc. Another one I have recently added is "put bread in oven," because I kept forgetting it was sitting there rising, waiting to be baked!

It takes me about an hour and a half to complete the entire routine, mostly because I spend a lot more than ten minutes writing. This means if I get going at 9am, I am just switching the clothes to the dryer at 11am. There is no exact starting and finishing time.

Your natural rhythm will be your guide. If you find it too difficult to complete a task where you've placed it in your list, don't fight it - move it! Maybe it's best done at the end or as one of the very first things you check off. Try to get some of the more difficult tasks done first, so you can truly enjoy your joy-giving activity when you finally sit down to do it, and aren't anxious about what needs to be done afterward.

5. Your evenings will make your mornings easier or harder

Although my routine was so far a success, I am a night owl through and through, and will easily stay up until 1am. (At least it's not 3am like it was in my early twenties!) This makes for a very groggy mama in the mornings and despite my routine, things were still not being done as early in the day as I wanted. If I wanted to be productive and alert in the morning, I needed more sleep, so I had to make some changes to my evening.

Cue the evening routine! My main goals are simple: get ready for bed early, so I'm not waiting until I am exhausted and then put off going to bed even later, and leave my phone plugged in downstairs after 11pm. I tell myself I can stay up as late as I want reading my Kindle in bed... the thing is, I won't last long. My eyes get droopy within ten minutes, and I'm out. And guess what! The nights I've done this, I'm naturally waking up at around 7am, and feeling great. The hard part is having the self control to actually get in bed at 11. I'm still working on it!

Get ready for bed early. Put a blue light filter on your phone. Add a little hygge to help you wind down. Put your devices in another room when you get in bed. Set yourself up for success!


How having a morning routine has changed my days

I crave my routine now! At the end of the day, I am proud of what I have accomplished. With the dishes and laundry getting done first thing in the morning, those are two things over which I finally feel I have some control. The rest of my day feels open and free enough for us to do what we need to do. And my kitchen has been cleaner!

I'm continuing to focus on my word of the year, nourish. I don't feel bad if there is a day it doesn't happen... like last week, when I woke up with a fever, stayed in my PJs, spent hours writing and doing nothing else, and fed my kids peanut butter sandwiches for the second day in a row. That's what my body needed. It was nourishing.

There are no time blocks, no schedule, no rigidity. I'm still figuring some things out -- just this morning, I moved "check planner" to the very front, because I realized I like doing it in bed first thing when I wake up. For the first time ever in my adult life, I am successfully following a routine. My next step is to finally stick to a homeschool routine... I think I'm ready!



If this post resonates with you, I encourage you to gently consider trying it out. There is no one here to shame you if you fail. And failure just means you are still learning what works for you and what doesn't. Maybe you're in a season of your life when following a regular routine isn't a possibility. Or maybe you are just in the right season to start. Whatever the case, I just hope I've encouraged you enough to know that when you're ready, it is possible!