an outing

don't let them fool you. they're not as harmless as they look.

i wanted to call this post "surviving the adventure of leaving the house for the first time with a two year old and a two-week-old by myself," but that was too long, so "an outing" is about all the info you'll get from the title. quite an adventure it was, and i think it will probably be a long time before i am forced decide to leave the house with two babies by myself again. we met friends for breakfast and took a trip to a little pumpkin patch last saturday, stopping for ice cream on the way home. here are some things i thought important to remember for next time. if there is a next time.

• with two, you'd think it would take twice as long to do something. you'd be surprised to discover it actually doesn't. it takes about ten times as long.
• so, if you are sitting on the couch unshowered and undressed, with the toddler in his highchair, covered in oatmeal and still in his stinky night-time diaper, don't tell someone you will try to leave the house in twenty minutes to meet them somewhere for breakfast. it may have been just slightly unrealistic, yet still possible, with just one. not anymore. not in the least.
• even though you were able to just grab a couple diapers and wipes and stuff them in your purse in a hurry a couple weeks ago, you can't do that now. you will need a bottomless diaper bag. unfortunately, no one makes those yet.
• while driving, you will take every mistake other drivers make as a personal offence. you will react by yelling I HAVE A NEWBORN BABY IN THE CAR DAMNIT even when people just change lanes without putting their blinker on.
• during breakfast, your state of mind will permanently be: distracted. you will be unable to hold an adult conversation. you may only be able to reply with head-nods and appropriately placed laughs. a sentence longer than three words may not leave your mouth unless that sentence is something along the lines of, "please don't throw food across the table." your thoughts will mainly be focused on the toddler and infant present and will be similar to the following: don't stick your whole hand in your mouth. please stop fussing. don't spill your water in your lap. no, you don't need another napkin. do i really need to nurse you here? you do not need to remove your shoes. stop poking your friend with your fork. shh, shh, shh, bounce, bounce, bounce. you need to nurse again? really? i just nursed you five minutes ago. crap, why are you pooping now? couldn't you have pooped at home? why does this diaper bag have to be so damn heavy. 
• you can't jiggle the infant seat to calm the upset infant and drive at the same time.
• park = good. toddler will run around, excited to be outdoors, infant will sleep in sling. it will get hot. you won't care.
• public bathroom = bad. two in diapers = also bad. don't even bother trying to use the restroom yourself. just get in and get out as quickly as possible. oh, and toddler will choose this moment to crawl on the floor. the disgusting bathroom floor.
• stopping for a shake on the way home is just an all-around bad idea. i know it sounds sweet and fun, but it won't be. just don't do it.
• at some point, when you have your wallet in one hand and loose cash in the other, the baby is crying and squirming hungrily in the sling, your cell phone is ringing, and the heavy diaper bag is falling off your shoulder, your toddler will make a mad dash to the opposite end of the restaurant.
• a lot of people will stare at you when you are carrying a newborn, because newborns are cute and tiny.
• they will stare more if the newborn is screaming her head off.
• many people staring at you are feeling sorry for you. you will feel their eyes on the back of your head like lasers.
• everything will look gross and full of germs. all you will be able to think about is your two-week-old's vulnerable immune system and wonder if you are a terrible mother for stopping for a shake and pray that she doesn't pick up some horrible disease.
• things that bothered you before... well, they still bother you, you just won't be able to do anything about it. at some point, you will just sit there and blink while your child does something horrid, like eat a french fry off the floor or puts both his hands in another child's pair of shoes. up to that point you will feel hopeless and overwhelmed, but when this event occurs, you will feel strangely accepting and slightly apathetic.
• something petty that used to matter to you, like finishing the rest of the shake (which is delicious, by the way), won't matter anymore. you will throw away the shake because you need both your hands. you will mourn your delicious shake, but again... there's really nothing you can do about it.
• don't worry, you'll make it home just before you run out of gas.
• when you open the door to your home and drop the diaper bag to the floor and sit your toddler down in front of the tv and plop in the chair in front of the computer to nurse the infant you will feel like you just achieved the greatest feat known to woman, short of giving birth.