trustworthy

The walk to our church is just under a third-mile walk that we take three times a week, there and back. The weather has cooled and dampened, but when it's raining, the kids think it is an adventure, bundling up and jumping in the stroller with a thick blanket wrapped around them, I with my umbrella and often steamy cup of coffee, huffing and puffing as I push 60 pounds of kids up the wimpy little hill. (Uh, it's been a while since I've run regularly.) On days when we don't have to worry about the rain, I let the kids run up ahead. I can follow Austen at a brisk pace as she runs with all her might, but River can easily push a 9-minute mile the entire way. I let him run up ahead, since it is all sidewalk, a pretty quiet road, and he is great at stopping when he gets to the church's parking lot.

Just the other morning, he was running up so far ahead that I was beginning to get a little worried. I was just about to call out to him to remember to stop when he got to the parking lot, but before I could say anything, he stopped running and stood there waiting for Austen and me. I was surprised and complimented him, "You stopped even though I was very far behind you. I didn't even have to tell you! You are trustworthy!" 

As we walked into the church, I was thinking about how he probably has no clue what the word trustworthy means, and how I would go about explaining it to a four-year-old. Awesome, because I am horrible at explaining definitions. You'd think as someone who likes to write, I might be able to do this with at least a little less of a struggle, but forget it. So I had to think about it long and hard, and finally decided this is what I would tell him: Trust is when I need someone to do something, and I know that you will do what I need you to do, even without asking you, even when I'm not with you. You are trustworthy, which means I can trust you. You are trustworthy.

Except that that was a few days ago and I forgot to tell him. I should probably get on that.

Thinking about the word trustworthy led me to think about Jesusy-things, since "faith" and "trust" are commonly found words among Christianese speakers. I was thinking about how, as Christians, we are to have faith in God. Because God is trustworthy. And how beautiful it is, in my very simple, explain-it-to-a-four-year-old definition, that he is trustworthy in that sense. Faith, like other words such as grace, is always a word I've heard, so much so that I don't really think about what it means. It's always been tangible, in a sense. Faith. You have faith. You have faith in God. What does that even mean? It means I believe in God, right? I have faith in God, which means I trust in God. That's always how I saw it.

Now I feel like I'm looking at it from a different angle. Are faith and trust interchangeable words? I've never thought about that. I think maybe, but perhaps not all the time. They can be used to mean different things. Faith, perhaps, is something that you just have. Trust, though, is something that develops with time. Does that even make sense? I may have faith in an airplane to get me to my destination without falling out of the sky... but I trust my mother. I trust my husband. 

God is trustworthy.

Which means even when I'm "not there," I can trust him.

Which means even when I'm not exactly sure what life will hand me,

or what direction he's going to take me,

or how a certain situation will effect me, I can trust him.

He is trustworthy.

I don't know if this means anything to anyone else, but it really struck a chord with me. God, you are trustworthy when I'm not there. Even when I have no clue what's going to happen, or how you are going to work, you are trustworthy.

That is such a comforting thought. Just as it's comforting to know that River will stop at a street when I am not there to tell him to stop, it's comforting to know that I can trust God.

to sing God's praise

I've never thought about these lyrics before. Sometimes I have to remind myself to really listen to the words of familiar hymns, especially if they are a bit cryptic for a kid to understand, since I've sung these since I was a kid. I just realized today that this verse of Amazing Grace is about heaven. It gave me chills. Gave me little plink plinks.

When we've been there ten thousand years...
We've no less days to sing God's praise than when we've first begun.

There are times in my life when I feel in my spirit that no matter what happens in this life, I will spend eternity in God's presence, worshiping him, and that is enough. Honestly though, it's not a comfort I feel often, especially since I tend to be a worrier. I think of worst case scenarios and dwell on them, as if thinking hard about it happening means it will never happen, or that I will be prepared in some way if it were to happen. This isn't true in the least bit. I hope to get to that point in my life when my focus is always on heaven and glorifying God, instead of Really Bad Things That Could Happen.

I want a tattoo that symbolizes this passage from the Bible, to help me remember it always:

Matthew 6:26-34 "Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry.... But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

When I catch that rare glimpse of how beautiful and joyous heaven will be, I feel a peace I can't explain.

Everything will be okay. In the end, everything will be okay. But I know there are some days I won't believe this. Probably most days, actually.

I feel like I am going through a time in my life where a lot of uncomfortable healing is happening. I'm working through some painful stuff and learning a lot about who I am, and I'm trying to be open to what God has to say to me. I've realized the past few months that I deal with certain things in my nature that I hadn't noticed before. I found out recently that a lot of my "issues" (like exploding at my kids) stem from anxiety, which is the root problem. I can't control my anxiety, and it's not debilitating, so I want to explore it before jumping to the decision to take medication, but ultimately I am trying to get to a place where I surrender to God and allow him to heal me.

It hasn't been an easy thing, but I've already seen the work God can do in my life when I follow him. He healed my marriage and my relationship with my husband is stronger than it has ever been before. I trust God. I have faith in him. But seriously, it took me a while to get to the place where I can say I had complete faith in him. I still struggle with it daily. I don't believe God gives handouts, or slaps band-aids on everyone who asks for one. So I question whether God is willing to heal me of anxiety; I know he has the power to, but do I believe he will? I thought, and still think sometimes, that it is a problem he expects me to deal with on my own.

I'm not sure what I believe now, but I have more faith that he is guiding me along my healing journey. I can't say fully that I know he will heal me. But do I believe he wants me to be calm and have peace? Yes. So I'm just sticking with that right now.

That verse from Amazing Grace gave me new hope. What a beautiful thought -- forever in the presence of God, who created me, knows me, wants me, loves me.

You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. Search me, God, and know my heart; know my anxious thoughts. (Verses from Psalm 139)