perfectly ready

Every day, I feel the date get closer and closer. There is so much going on in my mind, this list of things that needs to get done, yet I remind myself that there is no such thing as the "perfect" time for a baby to arrive, and as much preparation as one does, there will always be something else that needs to be done. My life cannot be put on hold or cleaned off and polished like a chalk board and kept perfect until this little one's arrival. She will be entering our lives as they are -- imperfect, busy, messy. But that's life, and we will manage.

We will once again find our new normal, just as we did when we went from one child to two, and no matter how prepared we think we are, there will still be moments of stress and chaos. I think I will be able to experience more moments of peace and beauty and awe over this baby if I allow myself to embrace what is very real about life instead of having unrealistic expectations. When this baby arrives, there will be dishes in the sink. Probably wet clothes, forgotten an soured in the washer. The Tinker Toys will be mixed with the Duplos will be mixed with the Lincoln Logs. The carpet will probably have to be vacuumed and the sheets will need to be changed. Those are my expectations.

And so, with those expectations in mind, I am ready. I am so ready to hold this tiny body against my heart, kiss each tiny feature on her face, feel each little toe between my fingers, smell that sweet, milky scent. I'm ready for that first, sleepless night where all we do is nurse and I won't hardly be able to close my eyes because I will just want to stare at the beautiful thing before me, at this tiny person that has been miraculously developing inside me for nine months.

Welcome to our family, Baby! This is our beautiful, messy life together, and we love it. It's not perfect, but we've been waiting for you, and you make us feel so complete. We want you and we need you to fill this piece in our puzzle. It's our life, and now it's your life, and more than clean dishes and made beds, I want you to remember the love. Experience God. Feel warmth and joy and humor and security. You are the reason why dirty dishes and laundry and messy rooms are okay -- you, and River, and Austen. Because without you three beautiful souls, my home might be spotless and my to-do list might be crossed out, but my heart would feel empty. So welcome to this beautiful evidence of five hearts full of love and life. We love you Baby, and we are perfectly ready to meet you.

Love, Mama.

that time i was blocked from a crunchy parenting page

Y'all. I was blocked from Motherwise. You know that super helpful crunchy parenting page on Facebook that everyone loves? The one that posts inspiring memes and helpful articles about everything from breastfeeding to co-sleeping to gentle parenting? That one. Apparently I'm not crunchy enough, or my holy anger toward formula companies isn't fiery enough. Or something.

I made two comments. They were both deleted and I was blocked from the page.

Funny, since I'm a breastfeeding mom. A breastfeeding mom who -- like the majority of the women commenting under the original post -- wishes formula companies didn't send samples to every new mother, because I know that it can be harmful to a mother who's struggling to breastfeed. I know it's a marketing strategy, and it makes me sad. I want all mommies to have a successful breastfeeding relationship. You know how I feel about breastfeeding -- I mean, come on. If you've been reading this blog for any length of time, at all, you know it is something about which I am passionate.

But I also know that there are many mamas who can't breastfeed, or who have simply chosen not to. Whether that's from misinformation, lack of support, for the mental health and well-being of the mother, or just a choice she has made because she felt more comfortable -- really, it's none of my business. I also know donor milk is not available or realistic for every baby, sad as that is. Many women don't even know donor milk is an option. And certainly, if you don't have a few women donating milk, the average American family can't afford to buy breastmilk, which usually costs about $5 to $7 an ounce. I think selling breastmilk is unethical, but that's the reality of it. It's just a fact that some families must use formula, because they have no other option.

I've learned in my five short years of parenting that anger doesn't get you very far. Neither does spreading half-truths, fear, and guilt. Support and loving words are what all mothers need, whether they breastfeed or choose formula. Saying formula should be "thrown in the garbage" or that it's "full of GMOs" is marginalizing. That attitude and approach pushes people away, and makes new mothers feel unneeded guilt in a vulnerable time that is already brimming with emotions and struggles.

Here is the original post. I feel for this mama -- I do. First of all, I remember how passionate I was about breast being best when I was a brand new mommy. (I still feel like a new mommy; heck, my oldest just turned five. But you know what I mean.) So I get her anger. Do I agree with it? Well, not any more. But I could have written this very post when River was an infant. I would have thought my anger was justified and I would have shouted it from the rooftop, appalled at evil Similac -- Um, EXCUSE ME. I am a BREASTFEEDING mother. I don't need your FAKE FOOD for my PRECIOUS BABY.

Yes. I know. Sorry.

This comment was toward the top. I thought it was a great testimony to some people needing formula. Choosing (or having to use) formula for your baby does not mean you love them less! And here in America where we have access to great    good    better-than-most healthcare, it doesn't even necessarily mean your child will be getting sick all the time! (Imagine that?)

One of the more heartless comments. Look, comments like these are not only unhelpful, they're just rude. Try putting yourself in someone else's shoes. Consider their situation for a bit.

One of the more ramped up comments. Which I, uh... totally agreed with. This comment wasn't deleted, by the way. But this just shows you, this was about as "bad" as it got. People were being respectful.

So pretty much this: Formula should never get used. Even if you need it. Don't use it. Under.any.circumstances. (Because it's evil and killing your baby, right?) Screw donating formula to people in need! How can someone even THINK about feeding their baby that filth?!

Another completely unhelpful comment. Yes, donate breastmilk. Help out at WIC offices being a peer counselor. Give breastfeeding information to mothers who want it. But don't throw the formula away... for goodness sake, some babies actually need it.

(And as for homemade raw goat milk formula -- yes, I've heard of this recipe, but I'm sorry, count me in as a mother who would not make or feed that to my baby. I'm sure in a best case scenario, it's healthier than canned formula, but you can't always depend on best-case scenarios. Some mothers may not even have access to high-quality, trustworthy raw goat milk.)

My first comment. The majority of the comments, I'd say 90%, said pretty much the same thing -- donate the formula to those in need. Nothing striking or original about my comment. I actually posted it before reading the other comments, otherwise I probably wouldn't have commented at all, to avoid sounding like a broken record.

This is when I decided to start taking screen shots. No one, in my opinion, had said anything remotely offensive. They were just advising the mother to donate the formula. I have seen MotherWise go on about this many, many times: saying that people were calling breastfeeding-supporters judgmental and sanctimonious. I'd never actually witnessed it myself. I looked through all the comments (yes, I read every single one) and did not find a single comment where someone was calling some of the mothers "judgmental" and "pissy." Other than a handful comments that were really offended by the original post -- either by the fact that the formula was sent, or by the angry attitude of the original poster -- most of the comments were just suggesting the mother donate the formula, or call the company and request her name be taken off the list. 

So I asked.

And apparently, you don't question the goddess of MotherWise. Because I got my ass deleted and blocked in a hot minute. 

Why am I posting this? Because I am so utterly tired of this mess. I'm sick of seeing mothers treat each other like this. I love the natural living community -- I've considered myself a part of it for a long time. Before my kid was even born! But I am tired of the guilt-hammering and fear-mongering. 

As I said above, I could have easily written that original post. I used to get angry, really angry, about things like this. What changed? I have known friends personally who made certain decisions for their children because their first choice wasn't attainable. I have seen homebirth tranfers turned c-sections because they labored for days and their babies got stuck. I have seen breastfeeding dreamers turn formula-feeders because their nipples were cracked and bleeding, or because they suffered from postpartum depression. And when the people I cared for turned into the mothers who were on the receiving end of this sort of treatment, it hurt my heart. It really did. I felt embarrassed and horrified that I could have ever been a part of this kind of behavior, that my hands ever typed comments that could be taken as heartless and hurtful.

The fact is, we don't know everyone's story. And also, it's none of our business. No, really... it's not! Let's do the best we can for our families, and when you see children who are obviously loved and cared for, yet their parents do something so completely different than what you would choose for your own child, let's just assume that parent is doing the best they can in their situation. 

And language. Please, let's change our language to be helpful, not hurtful. Encouraging, not discouraging. Remember that old saying that's been around forever? Something about attracting flies with honey instead of vinegar? Remember that anger only gets us so far. Even justifiable anger.