brave and strong

Austen is only two years old, and is about as girly girl as one can get. She twirls, points her toes, puts her hand on her hips as she pretends to sing into a microphone, and calls her self "Superhero Princess Majesty." I try to not only support her princess play, but encourage her superhero and truck fascination as well. I make it a point to tell her things that people might not be too quick to tell little girls when they meet them. She receives her fair share of "you are so pretty!" and "I love your dress!" and "Are you a princess?" from everyone (myself included) and it doesn't bother me. But I want her to know, even at a very young age, that she can be anything, and she is not limited by her gender.

The other day she and River were playing outside, and I don't know exactly what had just happened, but I heard her exclaim, "I am brave and strong!" I looked over at her and her face was beaming as she was flexing her tiny muscles. "Yes, you ARE brave and strong!" I told her. Seriously, what tiny, two-year-old girl proclaims to be brave and strong?!

I hope she continues to know this about herself as she gets older. I hope she isn't afraid to do anything because society has told her that being a girl means she has certain limitations. It made my day and assured me I must be doing something right.

zucchini shrimp with tomato and bell peppers

I just made this for myself for lunch today -- it's easy, pretty quick, healthy and packed with veggies, and a great summertime meal! My plan was to make this for dinner one night to serve over rice or pasta with the shrimp prepared separately (John and the kids can't have shrimp... which means more for me), but I just couldn't wait. I'm slightly embarrassed to say I ate the entire plate of food. But if I were to double up on tomatoes and zucchini and serve it over rice, it would easily feed a family of four! I made this meal in two pans; I'm not sure how you'd make it in one without changing the texture and altering the flavor somewhat, but if you can figure it out, go for it. Cook/prep time was about fifteen minutes total.

This is slightly adapted from this recipe.

Ingredients:
Olive oil for sauteing
1 zucchini, sliced
1/2 green bell pepper, chopped
1 large tomato, chopped
3 cloves garlic, minced
1 tsp. comino
1 tsp. basil
2 tsp. oregano
1/2 tsp. coriander
1/2 tsp. salt
1/3 lb. precooked frozen shrimp

Heat your oil and saute the zucchini for about three minutes on each side until golden. Remove from pan.

While you're sauteing the zucchini, in a separate pan, heat the olive oil and add your tomato, garlic, dried seasonings, and salt. Saute for about five minutes, stirring occasionally, then add your frozen shrimp. (I'm lazy and didn't thaw mine, and it didn't make a difference to the texture.) Cover and simmer just until the shrimp is heated through. There will be a lot of liquid -- remove from heat, drain and SAVE the liquid.

Meanwhile, once you've removed the zucchini from the other pan, add the bell pepper and saute on medium-high until the edges get nice and brown and charred-looking. Pour the tomato/shrimp liquid over the peppers; continue to simmer on medium-high until the liquid has evaporated. (I didn't want that much liquid on my plate, but also didn't want to waste all that flavor.)

Once the liquid has evaporated, toss all of the ingredients together and enjoy! You could easily add another zucchini and tomato to this without doubling the shrimp, and it would be just as tasty. :)

better

Today is the first day in the last four months that I have felt normal.

I've been feeling pretty good the last few weeks. Three weeks, I'd say. I've had a couple of bouts of sickness here and there, where I've come very close to losing it (I've perfected to art of resisting seemingly inevitable vomit), but today as I was standing in the grocery store looking at seed packets and tropical plants that are hard to kill, I thought, "Wow. I actually feel... good right now." I had an energy I haven't felt in months. I was happy to be where I was and not fighting nausea, light-headedness, or exhaustion. By feeling normal, I mean that I didn't lie in bed once today -- the first day since I've been pregnant. I didn't have to clear my throat every five seconds as I talked to my kids, for fear of gagging. I didn't have to say, "Okay, we should really go now... I'm not feeling well." And surprisingly, I didn't have to deal with too much heartburn (until I ate too many fishsticks for dinner, but that's my own fault). I even had a cookie and felt fine afterward. (Sweets have been making me feel bad... so this may or may not be a great thing, as now that I am feeling better I may eat more cookies. Hmm...)

I took the lowest dose of Zofran today and didn't feel like I had to throw up. In fact, at 10:23 I am just now starting to feel not too hot... and then I realize I forgot to take my meds an hour ago. I think I'll skip it and just head to bed and sleep it off. I have high hopes for tomorrow and the rest of my pregnancy.

The thing that really made my day and filled my heart was tonight as Austen was "helping" me with my meal planning. You know... toddler helping. We were looking up recipes for this coming week and I suggested she walk with me to the kitchen to see what was in the fridge, so I didn't miss adding anything to my grocery list. As we were walking down the hallway, little hand in hand, she looked up at me and just beamed. And her smile totally and completely said, "I have my mommy back."

Severe morning sickness doesn't just effect me -- unfortunately, it effects my whole family. My kids have been such troopers the last few months and I'm sure they have no idea what the heck was going on. I don't know how they were able to handle such a drastic change in our daily lives. We explained that I have a baby in my tummy and that my body has to work extra hard to make the baby and that it makes me sick for a while. They were as understanding as a two- and four-year-old could possibly be, and River was my sweetest little helper. Fetching my throw-up bucket for me. Handing me tissues. Fluffing my pillow. Grabbing my towel. Refilling my water cup. They were amazing -- for the past four months, my children have practically been caring for me.

I'd forgotten I even had the capacity for patience; I feel like I've spent a great majority of the time yelling, because it's easier to yell from my bed than attempt the impossible: getting up to parent correctly. I couldn't even move without throwing up. If I was up moving around, I threw up every 15 minutes. It was impossible... I think I really disconnected myself from it, knowing that it would be only temporary. I think that's the only way I survived without emotionally breaking down.

I am so glad to be feeling well again. I missed being a mommy and a human being.

a day at the park

The drive... I love the drive. I think I'm going to purposely pick places that are farther away, just so we can be in the car, the sunshine through the open windows, the smell of everything green drifting in and out, my babes in the backseat trying to sing along to whatever music we've chosen to accompany us down the road. This wasn't even that far away -- maybe twenty minutes at the most -- but I've been cooped up for the last few months and it's been wet and rainy, and this is exactly what my spirit needed.

(I feel like this is what all pictures of me look like... caught off guard, deer-in-the-headlights, compensating my surprise with an awkward half-smile. But, you know, I'm trying to, like, be in more pictures, or whatever.)

John packed lunch: really delicious sandwiches with ham, Colby cheese, spinach, olives, sun-dried tomatoes, avocado, pesto, mustard, and mayonnaise. Talk about a gourmet picnic!

The kids loved playing nearby while we ate. Poor Austen kept stumbling and scraping her knees. At one point she got a double-whammy, falling and then hitting her head on corner of the table on her way up! The inevitable parts of growing up.

I wish I could have taken a picture that showed the beauty of the park. I am not a great nature photographer, and to me this photo just looks like a jumbled mess... but it wasn't. The sun was setting and casting a glow through the trees, lighting up and darkening just the right places. It was quiet and warm... all things that can be captured by an adept photographer, but which I think is lacking in this photo below. Oh well, I tried, and you can use your imagination!

Little bits of life everywhere.

This was my favorite area. It couldn't have been more perfect. I'd like to get the kids dressed in cuter clothes and bring them back sometime this summer for pictures.

After lunch we drove down to the "beach." The water was ice cold but that didn't stop River! As usual, Austen was more reserved. They both had fun wading and finding stones to throw in the water.

A selfie with my husband... heh. :)

I think this is the most fun one can have as a human being. I told John if anyone heard me say that, they'd probably believe I was a pretty boring person, but here I am saying it on my blog, so I guess the truth is out now. To me, though, this is exactly what I want. I am never more content than when I am in nature, in good weather, under good sunshine, and with my family (eating good food). If I could spend every day of the rest of my life doing that, I'd be happy.

i realize

I realize.... I have it really, really easy.
I realize, despite the things in my life
that are a little bit more difficult,
I don't have a daily, nagging, heart-squeezing worry
that is constantly in the back of my mind.

My children are healthy and safe.
My family is healthy and safe.
My family is supportive.
My husband loves me and respects me and cares for me.
The things I have make my life full and enjoyable.
I want for nothing.

Sometimes I wonder why some people are given more heartache than others.
It doesn't make sense and it's not fair.

I've lost a few people that are important to me,
I've been let down by a few people that are important to me,
but ultimately, my life has been untouched by heartache.

Sometimes the anxiety kicks in and I think,
"Well, since I haven't been through something tragic,
does that mean it's around the corner?"
The anxiety makes it hard for me to write this.

I hate thinking like that.

But I know anxiety is, unfortunately,
something I cannot just turn off.
And anxiety leads to dwelling,
And dwelling leads to depression,
And depression leads to apathy and boredom
And tears with no purpose.

I'm trying more and more to live day by day,
to not worry because worry doesn't change a thing.

Not a thing.

I'm grateful beyond words for the life I am living,
for my sweet little family and these children
who can make motherhood difficult and frustrating at times,
but ultimately, light up my every day
with their presence,
their sweet faces,
their unconditional love.