we are all worship leaders

There are a few worship songs that will bring me to my knees, time and time again. God uses these particular songs in my life to bring conviction, joy, surrender. I think everyone has a song like this. It's amazing how he can use music and words to draw people closer to him. How we can sing the same lyrics over and over, but when we ask, "Lord, teach me something new," he does, willingly. Something so new, out of something heard so many times.

One of these songs for me is Revelation Song. I'm sure you've heard it. It has touched millions of hearts. I know it is one of those songs that is annointed... more powerful than just the simple singing of a few words. The lyrics come right out of the book of Revelation:

Before the throne there was a sea of glass, like crystal. And in the midst of the throne, and around the throne, were four living creatures full of eyes in front and in back. The first living creature was like a lion, the second living creature like a calf, the third living creature had a face like a man, and the fourth living creature was like a flying eagle. The four living creatures, each having six wings, were full of eyes around and within. And they do not rest day or night, saying:

Holy, holy, holy,
Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come! 

When we sing these words, we are singing what these powerful beings are singing in their praise to God in his throne. Night and day, they never cease, because that is the worship of which God is deserving. These words are straight from heaven. These words praise God perfectly, completely, powerfully.

I've been leading worship for a while. I feel like it's a part of my DNA. I can't write great songs, and I've never been a good performer. I can't look people in the eye and I hate being on stage. But when I lead people in musical worship, my heart is opened... I still struggle with anxiety attacks every single time I am about to go on stage, but once I am there, that anxiety translates to an utter and complete dependency on God. It's no longer nervousness -- it's a feeling of being overtaken by his power and love. Suddenly, I am there for one purpose only: the glory of Christ. But there's something about leading worship that strikes me harder than even the lyrics of a powerful song.

In the modern day church in protestant America, it is too bad that often, the worship leader becomes a mini-celebrity in their church family. That's not how it is at my church where I am currently involved, and I am very grateful for that. But I have been to churches where the worship feels like a performance. The worship leader's hair is just right, their jeans are the perfect cut, the people crowd 'round to shake hands after the service, heck, their solo CD is even sold in the church bookstore (don't forget to get an autograph), and they're singing secular-songs-turned-Christian every week (Bono is a big hit... you know, he went to Africa and all. Does anyone even like U2 anymore?). You're hard pressed to build any kind of meaningful relationship with said Mini Celebrity Worship Leader, because between shaking hundreds of hands every Sunday, they don't really have time for you, and besides, the awesomeness of their hair (or hipster-beard and v-neck t-shirt) is like a force-field: only the really esteemed churchy people can get in: pastors, youth pastors and youth worship leaders.

I've never felt like a mini-celebrity, no matter where I've lead worship. I've always felt like the awkward girl who doesn't know exactly where to look and is always on the verge of forgetting her lyrics (and has, many times). I would sing behind the curtain on stage, if I could. Better yet, can we just get a wireless mic and let me sing in the other room? Maybe someone could pretend to be me. Yeah. And anyway, I've never been a part of the "cool crowd," in the youth group or among the adults in church (even adults have cool crowds).

And I can tell you this -- my "duty," as a worshiper on stage is no more important than yours, as a worshiper in the congregation.

And that's where Revelation Song hit me hard and taught me something new. Last Sunday, right as I was singing the lyrics, "With all creation I sing, praise to the King of kings. You are my everything, and I will adore you," I opened my eyes and saw the hands of a hundred people lifted up in praise. Tears sprung to my eyes. My heart did that jumpy-palpipating thing.

Every time I've sung the part about creation singing to the King of kings, I've pictured the moon, the stars, the trees, the mountains, the lion laying with the lamb -- and thought, "Wow! All of creation, praising God. Pretty awesome." It's a picture I've seen many times before. But this time, creation was... us. We are the creation praising. And that thought -- that we are the creation of an ever-creative, almighty God, a God who is much bigger than us, stronger than us, yet loves us so deeply, and adores our praise to him -- was so powerful, a sob caught in my chest. I, the created, was singing with his other creations in that room. With all creation I sing, praise to the King of kings...

Here I am, just an awkward girl. Here we are, just a room full of the created. With hurts, failures, stories, brokenness, joy, families, forgotten lyrics, and panic attacks. Just simple, yet complex, created beings made by our loving God, worshiping him.

Even as a "worship leader," I am led into worship by the worship of fellow worshipers. We are all worship leaders. With hands raised, voices raised, we welcome the Spirit. He's already there! He's already shown up! It's our job to welcome him. And in the words of Kim Walker, "Without him, these are just songs, these are just lyrics. Without him, we would just be up here, just making noise."

Of course, the job of a worship leader is important. The job of a pastor is important. They are spiritual leaders. But if they are just up there in the spotlight and the glory isn't being given to God, what good is it? What does it even matter? Your worship makes just as much of an impact as my worship. The lights, the stage, the microphone, the lyrics on the screen behind me -- that doesn't make anyone special. That day, and many, many days, I was led into worship by the people standing there with me, worshiping Christ. Sometimes, I stop singing, and just listen to the voices praising. Your worship -- our worship -- that is what is pleasing to God. That's what is beautiful. He delights in us. He delights in you.

10 ways to make cloth diapering easier

1. Just get a diaper sprayer already. Stop pretending like the dunk and swish isn't that big of a deal. Because once a diaper sprayer is in your possession, you will see that it is. Diaper sprayers are magical contraptions that everyone who cloth diapered fifteen plus years ago wishes they had. The lack of a diaper sprayer is the only reason you hear grandmothers say, "You want to WHAT? Oh, Sweetie, just use disposables. Trust me." Trust them. Get your hands on a diaper sprayer.

2. Use a giant trash can with a lid for dirty diapers. The giant trashcan with a lid will make cloth diapers 58% easier than it is without one. As soon as you've rinsed the diapers, you just tilt the trash can over to the toilet and drop the diaper right in. No drips. No leaky wetbags. With the lid closed, the smell is contained. On washing day, you just dump the contents in the machine.

3. At first, only use cloth-diaper safe detergent. Before going and testing out all different types of detergent, buy a trusted brand that is known to be safe for cloth diapers. Half the heartache in our first two years of cloth diapering was from using the wrong detergents because we were trying to save money. Not every brand will work for your situation -- it'll depend on how often you wash, how well you rinse, the pH balance of your water, etc. But at least use a brand that is known to be gentle on cloth. After you get the hang of it, venture off and try more brands. You'll learn within a wash or two if a new brand of detergent is going to work for you, based on stinks or leaks.

4. Rinse out those poopy diapers immediately. If you don't, ohhh girlfriend, that's shit's gonna have to soak. Literally. You will have to soak the shit off the diapers. It gets crusty and sticky if you don't rinse it right away. And sometimes, "I'll rinse it tonight," really means, "It'll get rinsed in three days and become a biohazard." I'm telling you -- as soon as you've got a clean diaper on that little booty, rinse the poop out of the dirty one. It's easier to knock off into the toilet, and you'll be more inclined to keep up with the laundry when you don't have a stack of five poopy diapers to rinse all at once. (Don't pretend it hasn't happened to you.)

5. Keep wet cloth wipes in a container. The easiest way to do the cloth wipe thing is to have wet ones ready at all times. Wet disposable wipes are a pain because you will forget to throw them away and they'll get tossed in with the wash and leave paper fuzz on everything. Dry cloth wipes are obnoxious because you'll have to wet a few every time you need to change a dirty diaper, and it's just one extra step. Nothin' like opening a diaper to discover a special surprise inside, and trying to convince your baby to lie very still while mommy grabs three wipes and wets them at the sink. Be prepared. I like to keep my cloth wipes in an empty wipes container. When they come out of the dryer, I put them underneath the wet wipes that are already in there and pour a bottle of water/coconut oil/lavender oil over the wipes.

6. Wash the diapers every 2 or 3 days... really. If you wait longer, you'll have bigger loads to wash. Bigger loads means the diapers won't get as clean, and there will be more diapers to put away when they are dry. If you are washing two days worth of diapers at a time, it's just easier.

7. Find a system that works for you. For years, I'd stuff my diapers ahead of time so that when it was time to change a diaper, I'd just grab one. I carefully folded the prefolds and stacked the pocket diapers neatly in the drawers. Now I just dump everything in and grab as I go. The only organizing I do is that I have prefolds together, covers and shells together, and inserts together. I don't have time to sit there and fold and stuff everything perfectly, so I gave in to the madness. This works great for us!

8. Keep a stash of mini-wetbags or grocery bags in your purse. I can't tell you how many times I've been out of the house, have to change a diaper, and realize I don't have anything to put it in. Now I try to keep at least 4-5 plastic bags stashed in my purse at all times. I just grab some whenever I think about it. It also helps to keep a bunch in the trunk of your car.

9. Only buy clothes that will work with cloth diapers. Cloth diapers give babies big butts and I cannot lie. Skinny jeans, you must learn to deny. Leggings and sweats are where it's at. If you must use jeans, buy a size too big. Don't go through the pain of buying an adorable pair of skinny jeans because you might be able to squeeze her into them. Not being able to put my babes in jeans was annoying, but I learned to be okay with it. Dresses are great, of course, for those big cloth diapered bums.

10. Don't stress or get legalistic about it. Ah, the mommy wars. I feel like I'm always talking about them. Don't stress out about using cloth. Using cloth is really, really important to me, for many reasons. I feel gross when I use disposables. I think of all the diapers that are going to the landfill... and I think of using cloth diapers as putting a little bandaid on the world. Sorry, Earth! Here, I'll save a few thousand diapers from your landfills. But when it comes to my sanity, well, that comes first. For the past two weeks, I've been using disposables with Austen. The house was completely wrecked after the holidays and I was far behind with the diaper laundry. So for the first time in her little life, I bought a giant pack of disposables to use exclusively and indefinitely, and it's been like a breath of fresh air as I've been catching up with everything else in our lives. (Also, she wears a lot of jeans now.) Don't let the judging eyes of other cloth diaper users stress you out -- start off with cloth slowly if you need to, and take a break if the craziness of life is calling for it.

accepting my humanity, accepting grace

This morning as we were leaving for church, I lost my patience with River. When I had dropped the kids off at their classrooms and was standing there during the worship, I kept thinking of how silly and embarrassing it felt to be in church after being so un-Christlike to my little boy just moments before. How could I change my heart in an instant, ask for forgiveness, and go on like everything was fine? I didn't want to pretend. So I just listened to the music a bit and let God speak to my heart. I think he reveals himself a lot through worship.

The lyrics we were singing were from Chris Tomlin's song Greater: "Our God is greater, our God is stronger, our God is higher than any other. Our God is healer, awesome in power."

Then slowly, these verses came to mind. I've known them since childhood; I wasn't exactly sure where they were in the Bible but I looked them up when I got home (thanks Google).

1 Corinthians 15:58 Be firm, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing and being continually aware that your labor isn't going to be for nothing in the Lord."

Isaiah 64:6 "All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags."

2 Corinthians 11:30 "If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness."

Romans 5:6 "While we were still weak, Christ died for us."

It all spun together so perfectly, weaving in and out of my head, with the lyrics of the song. Not actual words, just thoughts -- encouraging thoughts and feelings of God's grace. I'll try to write out what I understood, but I'm sorry if it sounds jumbled. My hands are slow, and my brain is jumpy.




God is greater.

He is greater than my sin and my failures. I will always be full of sin and imperfections, and no matter how hard I try to "be good" or "do better," it won't be enough, because God is perfect and holy and I am unworthy.

So... it doesn't matter if I've come from just yelling at my kids or if I've just had a Best Mom Ever moment -- I will never be holy enough to be worthy of being in his presence. I am tainted by sin.

BUT... God's grace CRUSHES that. God's grace is greater. God's love is stronger.

My sin, my imperfection... it can never be stronger than the grace of God.

That doesn't mean that I give up. That I do whatever and throw my hands in the air and say, "Well, I'll never be up to par and I've grace has my back anyway." That's not exactly loving God with all my heart, soul, and mind.

The wonderful thing is that when I move in a Christlike way, when I try to live in a way that is pleasing to him -- for instance, speaking with love and kindness to my kid in the midst of frustration -- when I choose love, I am drawn closer to him. I am more in line with his will. I am more in tune to his Spirit. Because God is love.

As God works through us, the "muscle" of spirituality is strengthened, and he gives us strength to continue to choose love. And through love, we choose obedience to him.

But because we are imperfect and will never be worthy of him, it is not our place to boast in our obedience. It is his grace that allows this love/relationship/healing/beautifying to happen because he is greater and stronger than our sin.

Boasting would be silly, because as good as we think we are, we'll still never be good enough!

Yet, when God created us, he said, "It is good." There is goodness in us, and because he sees this goodness, loves us, and gives us grace, we should see goodness in ourselves.

This is where our hope lies. Knowing we'll never reach that level of perfection and accepting that THAT'S OKAY. Since we can't be "good enough," and we can't boast in our obedience, well then, we can't be in "holy competition" with one another. We just try our best, choose love, fall more in communion with God, accept his grace by shaking the dirt off when we fall and trying again, and knowing all the while that God sees our hearts. Which is the hope. He sees our hearts.

It all makes so much sense. We can't be good enough, so good enough doesn't exist for us here on earth. But God yearns for our hearts. He loves us so passionately, with a love greater than the Mama Bear love you have for your babies. Your children can't earn your love -- they simply have your love.

I accept. I accept this grace! I choose this love. How extraordinary to be in line with Christ, with each loving, Christlike choice I make! I hope I get to the point someday where I feel I am truly in line with his Spirit. I understand I'll always struggle, I'll always make choices out of sin and selfishness, but the thought that by choosing love brings me closer to Christ is... exhilarating!



I'm not a theologian. I have no idea how theologically sound this is. I think God meets us in all areas of our life. My personal theology, your personal theology -- it's not gospel. But I believe God brought something that I needed to my attention this morning.