i was almost dready mama

oh, hair. it brings with it so much stress, so much heartache, so many decisions to make. [sob] i've only had my hair cut the way i like it...once. in my entire life. by my friend amy. she is my hero. that was nearly three years ago. i've been thinking about getting it dreaded for the past three years or so, and i figured now was the best time. it was long enough so that not much length would be lost, and what with river pulling on it, using it to catch his fall, and to hoist himself up as he climbs me, it seemed like it would be a pretty good choice. plus, i love the way they look. i really think dreads are so beautiful, carefree and fun. i was finally sold.


well, i can’t say i didn’t try. but sometimes, “just going for it” isn’t the best decision. ah, live and learn.

a few weeks ago i was fortunate to attend the dreading day of my friend rachel. for two nights, three friends backcombed her hair into dreadlocks while i snapped shots of the process. the result was forty or so frizzy and lovely new little dreadies. quite a success. i went home and could not contain my excitement regarding the future of my hair. since i had watched rachel’s whole head of hair turn into dreadlocks [and even backcombed a couple, myself.] i realized it didn’t seem that difficult. my impatience got the best of me and i decided to try it on my own. and if didn't work, then it didn’t work. after all, i’d been thinking about it for three years, and that was long enough. and hair is just hair, right?

rachel, getting her hair dreaded.

quite a "dread journey" it has been so far. i started out with one dread. continued with a few more. i thought they were a little too thick, so i began making them thinner, and figured sectioning ahead of time would be a better route to take than try to guess where the next dread would go. turns out, after i gave birth to river, i lost a lot more hair than i thought. sometimes, you’ll hear “oh, it just seems like a lot of hair because you stopped losing hair when you were pregnant.” nope, that’s wrong. for me, at least. see, i did lose hair when i was pregnant. i'm pretty sure just as much as i lost when i wasn’t pregnant. not a big deal, i've always had thick hair. but i actually did lose a ridiculous amount of hair after childbirth –- more than i ever had. i definitely know the difference between losing a normal amount of hair, and losing handfuls at a time. my hair went from a thickness that could barely be contained by a small hair tie, to being thin enough for a hair tie to be wrapped around it four times. 

to make a long story short, i dreaded my hair for hours, i combed them out and combined and re-dreaded and combed them out again, over the course of three days, and came close to tears a couple times. that second night, i literally was lying in bed, awake for two hours [while river was fast asleep, of course] just thinking about my dreads, wondering if they were too thin, too fat, if i would have too few, if they would fall out, if i'd just ruined my hair. it was dreadful [heh!], and i was pretty bitchy mother's day morning. my sections ended up being huge, and my dreads were all different sizes [mostly tiny], and i only had twenty or so. unsatisfied with the results, i ended up taking another three days to undo all the dreads, contacted the friends who had dreaded rachel’s hair, and said, HELP! 


pretty much.

my hair, half-dreaded. the day after 

i had completely dreaded my hair, i started taking them out. [sigh.]

so it’s been a few weeks since i un-dreaded my hair, but i did leave three little dreadies. i have grown quite fond of them. i was planning on getting my hair dreaded for real, but now i'm thinking of waiting. i'd hate to wait longer; i really would love to have a head full of beautiful, tight locks, but i'm afraid it just isn't going to work because of how thin my hair is. but because my hair is so long and so in my way, i am thinking of getting it cut. short. maybe? i will miss my three little dreads that are just kinda hanging out in my hair. [sigh] goodness gracious. hair problems. this will never end.

what i want my life to look like

i was adamant this new year to come up with resolutions that i would follow, and they were as follows: take at least one picture a day, draw a new face each week, start running, and read thirty books. because these are things i want to change in my life. i wanted to read, because i love learning, and reading encourages me to be more creative. i wanted to draw a new face every day, because i want to push myself with the pencil, i want to get in the habit of starting drawings and actually finish them. i wanted to run because i want an activity to get myself in shape, and i want that feeling of freedom and exuberance running seems to give people. i wanted to take a photograph a day because i hadn't done a lot of personal photography in the past year or so, and i wanted to challenge myself to see through new eyes.

so far, so good -- at least when you look at my track record with keeping new year's resolutions. i once again have dove into photography; i am finding myself swimming in new colors, new light, and allowing myself to see my life as more beautiful through the camera lens than if i were to just pass every day without trying to find that beauty. i am reading more -- which, unfortunately, isn't saying much. i love to read, but i'm a slow reader, and actually finishing a book is not something i do often. i have read four books this year, and am currently working to finish three more. my problem is not having the money to purchase the books i want to read, or having the time to go to a bookstore for hours [ohh, how i would love to be able to do that again]. hmm, i guess i need to pay my library fine. i've given up trying to draw, and so far i haven't had the motivation to get out and just run. maybe by the end of the year. maybe not.

these are things i wanted to change about my life. i strive for something different than just living day to day. i don't want to except my life as it is. i don't want something mundane. i want to write my story. and it's possible, really, to write just about any story i want. i just have to get out there and do it. so the other day i thought, if my life could look like anything, how would i want that to be? and what do i have to do to change that?

the things i strive for are simple, really. if i put minimal time and effort into adding -- or changing -- it can be done.

a walk by the river

we were going to go to an art opening downtown,

but we arrived a day early.

so we took a walk by the river instead.

where mini-adventures were had.

and mama kisses were given.

and little flowers were laced between little fingers.

because this spring, the rain has quenched

the open mouths of buttercups and black-eyed susans.

[finally.]

then we had dinner at a favorite restaurant.

but the only thing there that was worthy of being photographed 

was the cute baby who made a friend 

with the exchange of a newly acquired skill...

waving hello.

listen to the trees

i have just begun babysitting a precious almost-two-year-old boy three days a week in the afternoons - what's best, river can tag along. yesterday was the second day i took care of little isaac. we spent some time playing outside, and when he got tired, he climbed up on the big swing with river and me, his hair full of sand and his temples damp with the humidity that hung in the air. do you see the trees? the wind is moving them. listen... do you hear the wind? listen to the trees. wooooosh. i said. he got real still, and listened. he craned his neck to look up at the trees and their leaves rustling and their branches waving.

what else do you hear, isaac? do you hear cars?


cahs!


and oh! i hear dogs...


puppy?


and birds. they are flapping their wings, and singing! tweet, tweet.

still.

ah-pane... ah-pane!


that's right, you hear an airplane!


it was the sweetest moment. we sat on the swing for a while, just listening to the big world outside his backyard, the things we saw and the things we couldn't see. at one point, a motorcycle revved its engine, and he gasped and looked at me, as if to say did you hear that?! i was amazed at how aware he was, and i think he was amazed at all the things he was hearing. to be honest, i had to really listen myself, to actually point sounds out to him. sounds that surround us every day, but we are so busy and our focus is on more important things than the wind playing in the tree branches.

children will do that to you. they'll bring you back to the little things that make life a lovely thing to live.

with my hands

there was a totally cool, calm, emotional and peaceful vibe to my day - all day. a very spiritual thing, and i can't really explain it. in many moments, i found myself closing my eyes and getting lost in the simplest songs i'd heard one hundred times, and i felt all this creativity just dancing around inside me, but i failed to find an outlet for it.

sometimes, i'd hold river, and he'd be so still and just wrap his little arms around me, and i wish i could say something, anything to express my love for him that he would understand, but i couldn't, so i'd just close my eyes and kiss the top of his sweet-smelling head and overflow with love, almost imagining it physically rushing over him, and together we were love jars.


i have felt so inspired lately [not inspired enough to clean my kitchen, however]. sometimes i want to paint, even though i'm not a painter. sometimes i want to dance, and so i dance, though i'm not a dancer, and i'm glad river is my audience, because i know that the only thing going for me is that i have rhythm - but that's about it. the closest i've come to having a satisfactory outlet for this creative desire is through photography, but i want to do something with my hands.

i love this picture. this was just the paper i used to mix color, 

but it was more beautiful than the actual painting. 

[which, i assure you, wasn't beautiful.]

to be a love jar

as i'm sitting here, scanning blogs of single, adorable and sickly stylish young women my own age, whose days are full of sunset picnics and late night coffee cafes, trips to europe and thrift store finds and flirting and lipstick and beaches and spontaneity and carelessness... i wonder what life would be like if i wasn't a wife. if i wasn't a mama. i confided in my best friend the other day telling her this, telling her something i hadn't told anyone before - that maybe i jumped too fast. maybe i was too anxious to see this fairy tale world of love, hand holding, dinners and movies, security in another person, someone to fall back on. this fairy tale world of coos and smiles, chubby thighs, cute printed onesies, lullabies and tender moments, and watching someone [who is a part of me] enjoying all the things that i once enjoyed - creek splashing, finger painting, leaf gathering, discovering.

[i don't regret. i simply wonder.]

i've always been great at two things - dwelling in the past, and looking to the future. usually, i'm hardly in the present. this is a great, deep flaw of mine. as i'm living, i'm looking at every time except my own. i also have this fault of looking at every life except my own. i complain. i wonder. i dream. not in a good way. i think, what if. i think, if only. i think, i wish. i think, i'll never.

have you ever heard of this method to keep your complaints under control? you wear a bracelet on one arm, and try to keep it there the entire day, because for every time you complain, you must switch wrists. well, i know mine would get switched every few minutes. i probably wouldn't make it a whole hour.

have you ever heard of the verse that says the tongue is fire, that it has the power of life and death? i know my tongue is sharp and wild and unbridled at times. makes me wonder how often my words bring life, and how often they bring death. 

have you ever heard of the rice experiment by masaru emoto? you fill two jars with cooked rice, close them tightly, and place them in equally controlled environments. then for an entire month, to one jar, you try to radiate love, kind words, and positivity. to the other jar, the opposite - hate, negativity, bad vibes. by the end of the month, the "love" jar is just as white and fluffy as the day it was closed up, while the "hate" jar is molded and disgusting. 

no. freaking. joke.

i've been thinking this a lot lately, because of my river - he is with me nearly 24/7, hearing my every word, hearing my every tone, absorbing my spirit, my energy ... am i going to be living my days of what ifs, complaints, and negativity? do i really want him to be surrounded by that?

no way.

i want to be a love jar. i've got to start working on being a love jar.