our transition from cyber to independent homeschooling

Oh my gosh y'all, I am so excited about this new school year! We are two weeks in and having so much fun. Toward the end of the last school year I started reading more about Charlotte Mason (CM). I've known about the method for years, but didn't know much about it. All I knew was that my mom had The Original Homeschool Series written by Charlotte herself on her bookshelf, and that I had a friend who was a CM graduate, and she was intelligent, well-spoken, a critical thinker, and just an all-around lovely person whom I really admired. When I started listening to these amazing, insightful, and delightful podcasts at the website A Delectable Education, I had the realization that everything I loved about homeschooling when I was young were things my mom took as inspiration from Charlotte Mason. I became enamored and completely hooked on the idea of quitting everything we were doing in homeschool so far and completely rely on the CM method for our next school year.

I grappled with this decision for four months. It was uncomfortable, to say the least. Calvert curriculum had been good to us; there was no denying that. River went from being able to read simple, three-letter words to reading on a third grade level in 6 months, and I didn't find it entirely insufferable (I never saw myself as a curriculum type homeschooler). But there was a lot in the curriculum, and it was tedious, exhausting, full of pages upon pages of seat work, and took over 3-4 hours to complete if we followed it to a tee (which we did... for about two months). I wasn't a fan of the math program they offered, and as someone with a legitimate phone phobia, I grew a little tired of the phone calls every two weeks from the school, asking how River was doing. My thought was always, "You see he's acing his tests. He's in cyber class once a week. Why are you calling me?!"

It would have been easy to stay in Calvert. It was a program that was completely free. They sent all the supplies to us, including a laptop. Paper, pencils, textbooks, workbooks, tests, laptop, PE equipment. All I had to do was scan his tests in once a month and upload them to the site. But even that little bit of oversight, with the calls and emails, grew wearisome. I wanted independence. Less expectations from people who are not in my children's lives and know nothing about them, because River's name was just letters in a system.

There were some positives to the curriculum, of course. Besides what I've already mentioned, following the curriculum showed me two things: one, that my son was learning. At home. With daily work. I was seeing progress on a daily basis! And two: that I could do this. I was doing it.

But could I do it without guidance? Without phone calls from teachers checking in? Without a lessons planned out by someone else? I've never doubted my ability to teach; I've doubted my ability to stay focused. To stay on track. To raise an academically successful child, despite my own struggle to stay focused in school and college myself. It's not that I don't believe I am intelligent and capable... it's that my brain is always at odds with me, and the question of whether or not my brain and body connection will cooperate.

Armed with the evidence of River's progress, and the information I read that led me to believe a more relaxed homeschool environment was just what we needed, I emailed our advisor through PA Cyber and told her we were pulling him out. Perpetually fearful of nearly everything, I thought I would receive backlash, confusing paperwork, or some sort of questionnaire asking why we were leaving. Nothing of the sort! She emailed me back and told me good luck and that she was sending me a shipping label for the computer. At that moment, I sighed a breath of relief and felt both a weight off my shoulders, and a lightness in the thrill of realizing what I'd just done. We were no longer tethered to a system; no longer did I have the feeling of other people breathing down my neck, peeking in at my child's education. Freedom!

(By the way, if you're reading this and you happen to be thinking of joining PA Cyber, they definitely did not breath down my neck. That's just how I felt because of my personality and need for independence in homeschooling. They were great and supportive! And besides the twice-a-month phone calls, I was not badgered about anything, ever.)

Summer was a relaxing time. I'd spent so much energy listening to podcasts, reading blog posts and articles about Charlotte Mason, researching different lessons plans from Ambleside Online to Simply Charlotte Mason, and I came to a point where I was tapped out. I felt prepared enough for the time being. I'd literally spent full-time hours researching and planning for the past few weeks, and had put together a schedule and booklist on the computer, along with ideas of what I wanted to do that school year. I picked out a math program and decided what book I wanted to be our "spine" in history. I felt as ready as I could be, three months before the next school year. But oh my goodness, did summer pass quickly.

Before I knew it, it was two weeks until the first day of school, and I hadn't even opened my documents on the computer to go over my ideas, much less make a lesson plan for the first week! I was aware there was a deadline. I knew our school room wasn't organized. Heck, I hadn't even ordered any books. I felt that there was some sort of stress that I should be feeling, but every time I pondered the challenge that lay ahead and me and tried to conjure those familiar feelings of anxiety, they were not there. But in a few short days, I still scrambled. I tried to come up with the "perfect" school schedule. I doubted my choice of math program and considered changing the curriculum at the last minute. I tore apart all the shelves and baskets in attempts to get everything ready. And then, someone posted this magical video in a Facebook group I am apart of. And if there was an inkling of even feeling guilty about not feeling anxious, it was gone. If you are a homeschool mom, I highly encourage you to watch it!

As the first day of school approached, this time it was so very different from the last. I didn't feel the almost physical pressure mounting in my chest. I didn't have a nervousness of meeting expectations, of proving I was capable of giving my son a "perfect" education. (Mamas, there is no such thing as perfect. Not even public schools can teach a child everything there is to know, or everything they need to know.) I felt content. I felt... confident. Do you know when I have ever felt confident in my life? I'm not sure I can even share one instance. But y'all, I felt it. And I felt free.

And so, here we are. We are two weeks into school. Some days we have been up by 7, our morning flows smoothly, I sip my coffee for two hours and we begin and 9 am, and we are done with everything just in time for me to make lunch. Other days we have slept late, we did half of our school at 11, and then we did math just before dinner at 5pm. And you know what River told me after we cracked open his new math book and had finished a full week of school? "I love this school! We should do this kind of school forever."

He loves it because there is no pressure to perform. There is no test to tell him his worth. But I know his worth. I'm not only his teacher, I am his mother, and while I teach, I still must mother. It's not my responsibility to bark out orders, make sure he's following a schedule, make sure he spits out correct information by a certain day in a certain month, or even that his hair looks nice when he comes to school. It's my responsibility to nurture his mind, to create an enriching environment, and to make an emotional connection with him. To make him feel safe and accepted, no matter where he is in life, or in academics.

For the record, I also love this school and want to do it forever. Maybe in a few months, the pressure of homeschooling just right or in a certain way will rear its head again. Maybe I'll get overwhelmed with three kids at home and my spirit will grow tired. Maybe we'll struggle through a book and I'll question everything, and I'll consider packing them up and sending them all to school. But I hope I remember, despite those feelings and challenges, that today I have made the right decision, and remember that at home, they aren't just being schooled. They are being nurtured.

why we chose to homeschool : part two

Click here to see part one.

Even though we were six months into public school, it still didn't fit naturally into our life. I'd always planned on homeschooling and longed to pull him out, and my heart was restless; however, "it just doesn't feel right," didn't seem a good enough reason to make a drastic decision in the middle of the school year. As I said in part one, I began to pray a very specific prayer that something would happen to show me without a doubt that we should pull River out and start homeschooling, but that my little boy would be protected, no matter what that was.

One morning, a week or two into this fervent prayer, I lay in bed, the sunlight streaming into the room, my four-month-old peacefully asleep beside me. I'd spent the night sick, and John was getting River ready for school and out the door. I heard River's little voice outside my room, "But I want to give Mama a kiss goodbye!"

"Mama is sick, River. We have to let her sleep," John whispered back.

Thankful for John and also for the fact that Austen, who was three at the time, was still sleeping, I dozed off back to sleep. It must have been about 45 minutes later when I heard a sweet, little voice say, "Hi Mama." I turned around to see River standing beside my bed. I was momentarily confused -- John must have brought him back home, but why? "Where's Daddy?"

"He went to work," was his matter-of-fact reply.

Chase wriggled awake and I blinked as my sleepy mind tried to decipher what was going on. After a few more questions for River, I figured out that John saw him on the bus as usual, and from there, the kids were dropped off at the school; but instead of going to his class, River walked a mile home by himself in a neighborhood without sidewalks, down a street near a lake.

Immediately, my heart sank. One of the first things I had noticed about River's school at the beginning of the year is that drop-off and pick-up times seemed hectic. Although there was an attempted routine for these times, it was sort of a mess, and in the mornings I always noticed several children of different ages waiting outside with only one very distracted and busy adult to oversee things. It would be so easy for someone to snatch a child, or for a child to wander off unaccompanied, and for no one to notice in the midst of it all. I was always so worried that something could happen during these times, especially because my particular child has always been impulsive and off in his own little world, but I tried to ease my mind and not let myself worry; however, I knew now that this is exactly what had happened with River.

In spite of myself, I laughed wryly. Are you kidding me?! I thought. It was almost unbelievable... I had prayed for a clear answer, and that was exactly what I got. You may see it as grasping for straws, but I see it as a direct answer to my very specific prayer. "Let something happen to show us loud and clear that we should homeschool -- but please protect River."

I called John and was straight to the point. "River's here at the apartment. He walked home from school. I don't even know if anyone has realized that he's gone!"

"I guess we're homeschooling now," John said without missing a beat. We were on the same page!

After this whole ordeal, of course we had many talks with River about what a serious situation this was. He has always been impulsive and brave, much to my dismay. He is as friendly as can be, and I've always said, while shaking my head, that if a stranger ever came up to him and asked for his help to find a lost puppy, he would happily oblige. (I can say with confidence that now, at the age of nearly eight, he would not do this.) Thankfully, he didn't inherit my sense of direction, and was able to make the mile-long walk home without getting lost, even though we had only walked it twice.

Every family and situation, every mother and child is different. But for us, for me... I never felt at peace sending River to public school. I know to many people, walking a mile isn't a big deal. I know cases of child abduction have gone down significantly since the 70s. (And I know some people can't fathom a 5-year-old child "disobedient" or "out of control" enough to walk home from school without permission. I am not interested in talking to those people. Bye Felicia!)

But this is, and will always be, a part of our story. I entrusted the care of my child to adults -- several adults. Adults I had never met! That's a lot of trust right there. I know, I know millions of children go to school every day and are taken care of and have wonderful childhoods and never walk away from school unnoticed or harmed in any way, but I also know that now, River is where he needs to be, and I have never second guessed our decision. Despite the situation and the thoughts that filled my mind of a thousand different things that could have gone wrong on that walk home, I felt a sense of peace from the moment I realized I had my answer. I knew after that day, I wouldn't be sending my child back to school, and that it was going to be okay.

There were a lot of positives surrounding our public school experience, but I think I knew the answer all along, and that's why it never settled in my spirit. We were meant to homeschool. At least now, at least with these three kids, at least today... we are supposed to homeschool. That may change in the future! And I'm okay with this. I'm not scared, or worried, or concerned in the least. If, next year, I feel a complete change in my heart, do a 180 and send all my kids to public school, that's going to be okay, too. I'm confident that when we follow God's gentle nudges, he works in really cool ways. And when life doesn't work out the way we expect, he can still use these things for good.

There is no black and white when it comes to homeschooling. I am not interested in the school of thought (see what I did there?) that homeschooling is the only way! When we keep our minds open to the unexpected, we give God the "permission" to give us some pretty eye-opening experiences. I love homeschooling and I'm excited to see where we're going to go in the years to come.

why we chose to homeschool : part one

The story goes -- the one I've told and heard so many times -- that my mom began homeschooling me in first grade when the military moved us in the middle of the school year, and discovered I didn't know my letter sounds, much less how to read. Within a few months, I was reading on a third grade level; that's when she decided to keep me home, and went on to eventually homeschool her three younger children. My step-mom also homeschooled her two children, so it has simply been a way of life to me.

The idea of sending my kids to public school was challenging and frankly, a little scary. Before we were married, John encouraged me to consider the fact that all children are different, and that we might have a child who would flourish in a public school setting. I was stubborn. I wouldn't consider it. Homeschooling my children one day was important to me; however, that was a pivotal conversation that planted a seed of curiosity and submission to God. I realized if I idolized homeschooling and would not consider even praying about other options, I might be resisting God's plan for our family. So I began to pray. 

Through searching and praying, I considered the many wonderful people I knew who grew up in public school; surely if their parents could raise such great human beings, I could too if this was what God called us to! I thought also of the amazing teachers who were friends of mine, who obviously loved what they did and made an impact on the lives of the children they taught. 

When I was pregnant with our third child, I couldn't see myself trying to homeschool with a brand new baby to care for -- the decision was made. River barely made the age cut to start kindergarten by a few days. He could stay home and start the next year when he turned six, but I figured sending him to kindergarten for the majority of the day would make the transition to three children a little easier. We went in with these thoughts: if public school worked out, then he would continue on to first grade. If it didn't work out, it wasn't a big deal; we would pull him out and I would homeschool him, which had always been the plan anyway. I knew my friendly, outgoing boy would love being around other children every day.

We really lucked out with River's teacher, a kind woman who got to know each child individually. Our philosophy of education was similar, and she shared in our concerns about the changes in public education, and how much testing and seat work was required of even the youngest students. When I hesitantly brought up the possibility of River having ADHD, and that I was thinking of homeschooling for first grade, she was surprisingly supportive. 

"I think that's a great idea!" she said. "River is bright. He's a problem solver and he thinks outside the box. He's full of energy and he learns by doing things hands-on; his ideas are abstract and he asks questions other kids don't think to ask. I'd be afraid that a traditional school setting would hold him back and discourage him as he gets older, but he could thrive with the freedom he'd have at home." She also shared her concern that being in a classroom setting, other teachers might push medication for his hyperactivity as he got older, but that it could probably be easily handled at home without going that route if we preferred not to. I appreciated her honesty and insight, and was overjoyed to hear these encouraging words about my sweet, curious boy!

Our experience with public school was overall a positive one. There were some things that came with the territory that were outside of our control. School lunches were awful -- there's no gentle way of putting it. I missed River more than I realized I would. Drop off and pick up time became more stressful with a newborn; I can't tell you how many times I had to wake Chase from her nap and bundle her up to get River at the bus stop! It was a disruption to our natural rhythm. The evenings were a whole other story: we would get home at 3:45, then it was a flurry of homework, make dinner, eat, bath, and bedtime... at the end of that ordeal, we were tapped out. River's teacher told us several times that he was so exhausted during the day and he needed more sleep, but he was already going to bed at seven, the earliest possible time.

John and I grappled with the lingering question: should we homeschool? What was the right choice here? I felt like there was no obvious answer. It would be so easy if River hated public school, or if I did. And there are no perfect situations -- I knew that if we homeschooled, there would be hurdles in that, as well. Perhaps the evenings would be slower and River would have more time to just be a kid, but anyone knows homeschooling isn't a walk in the park. It would take a lot more energy and preparation on my part, and was I ready to commit to that? I felt entirely ill-equipped. Considering all this, the few negatives I'd counted against public school were not enough to convince me that we should pull him out. Still, my spirit felt so restless. I wanted him home, but I couldn't make this decision based on my emotions.

I trusted that God knew. He knows River better than I do. He knows his future and the kind of man he needs him to be someday. He knows what he needs in life, education, relationships. I couldn't make this decision on my own. So I prayed a very specific prayer: please let something happen to make it loud and clear that we should pull him out and start homeschooling. Protect him, but make it obvious. 

Oh, yes. I prayed that. I trusted that God knew what I meant... he doesn't play games. He lifts us up when we have faith in him. I believed that he would take my prayer seriously and show me what needed to happen. I would take silence as the answer that public school was the right decision. I prayed that prayer so many times for about a week, and then I got my answer, loud and clear.

Part two coming next week! I really didn't want to leave you with a cliffhanger, but I also didn't want to give you a 3,000 word blog post... so I guess it worked out? 

5 things that help me to be more productive

I'm going to be honest, it's almost laughable that I'm writing a blog post about how to be productive, because there are many days when I feel like the least productive person in existence. But with three little kids who are reliant on me for some stability in their lives, I have to organize my days so that there is some framework, and not guesswork, running the show. That means staying on top of a lot of different things at the same time so that they don't crumble and fall apart... which happens very easily when you get behind a day or seven on laundry. Here are some things that I do to ensure our household runs smoothly! For the most part. *cough* 

1. Learn to say no. One of the reasons I tend to get overwhelmed and start procrastinating is because I have too much on my plate. I realized a while ago that I need to respect myself and my priorities by saying no sometimes, even if it's to something that I would enjoy doing, or if it's to someone who needs something. While I always want to help out and hang out with people I love, I can't be the best mother, wife, and woman if I am so overwhelmed that the things that really need to get done aren't done. For me, this also has to include things that cause anxiety. Sometimes I want to do something, I might even have the time to do something, but my nerves just can't handle it. I love leading worship, but the last time I was doing it regularly -- lugging three kids to the church and then watching them running around the room like crazy people while we did rehearsal and not getting home until an hour after the youngest's bedtime -- it really worked against my sanity and became something I dreaded, as much as I wanted to do it in my heart of hearts. I had to tell the worship team that I was stopping, which felt awkward and gave me another reason to feel unnecessary guilt, but once I did it, it was like a weight had been lifted. It's important to know how far you can stretch and respect your limits! It's also totally okay that different people can handle different things -- maybe you've made a commitment to something that you realize is outside your gifts or what doesn't realistically fit into the dynamics of your family. We as a society love to be busy, but it's not always healthy. And if you have children, understand that many seasons of motherhood are simply (or not so simply) seasons of survival or waiting. That's okay.

2. Put lists throughout your home. This is something that is so simple that I can't believe I hadn't thought of it before! Throughout my home, I have permanent lists that I glance at several times a day. I tend to be pretty scatterbrained and I'm easily distracted, so checking a list of things that should be done in my day to day routine really helps. It might seem silly to have "take the meat out to thaw," in my daily checklist, but you would not believe how many times I go to start dinner around 4 o'clock and realize the chicken is still frozen solid in the freezer. Or the number of times we are out the door and buckled in the car and I realize I didn't put a brush to Austen's hair. One of the most helpful lists is the one on the door. I look at this list whenever I leave the house to make sure I have everything I need. If I don't check the list, you can almost guarantee I will forget my phone, or a change of clothes for Chase, or heck, even diapers and wipes! Obviously, I won't need all of these things, but if I'm going to be out all afternoon I can take a quick glance to remind myself to bring snacks for the kids or a book.

3. Visually prioritize your to-dos. If I make a general to-do list, I get overwhelmed by the amount of things that need to be done; so I've started by taking off a lot, and by sorting what remains as Must Do, Should Do, and Could do. Must Do are the things that absolutely need to get done that day -- things with deadlines, and often things that I need to complete for others, like design work or scheduling an appointment for one of the kids. Should Do are often home tasks that don't get done as often, like mopping, or things that need immediate attention that I tend to forget, like a load of laundry or taking out the bathroom trash. Could Do are things that I'd like to get done if I have time, but aren't priorities -- things that would give my day a sense of contentment -- like finishing the last few chapters of that I've been reading, starting a new sewing project, or editing photos of the kids. I don't have an extremely busy life outside the home, so you might think that a planner wouldn't come in handy, but I've found that they are very helpful for keeping a daily or weekly routine! Especially as a homeschool mom.

4. Create pleasant morning and evening rituals. Mornings are so hard for me; I have to drag myself out of bed no matter how much sleep I get. I am just not one to leap out of bed bright eyed and bushy tailed, ready to start my day. A morning ritual helps a lot -- not only does it help me start the day off on the right foot, but I have something to look forward to. I think this is so important if you are not a morning person! It can be something small -- like doing a quick, five-minute yoga routine or programming the coffee pot to start at 6 am. If you know that the moment you wake up you get to do something you enjoy, it will be easier to get started.

In a way, nights are hard for me too, because I'm night owl and could easily stay up until 2 or 3 am, even if I'm exhausted. By the time I'm ready to go to bed, I don't want to go through the whole process and I'm feeling too wired. Having a routine where I put on my PJs, take out my contacts, brush my teeth early in the evening before I start to feel tired or even before I sit down to relax will make it easier to go to bed earlier and get a good night's sleep.

5. Start without the intention of finishing. You might think I'm crazy and that this goes against all the inspiring, motivating self-help talk you've heard that mentions intention and purpose and being fully present, but I'm telling you -- it works. Research shows that if people start a chore or activity without the intention of finishing that often they will end up sticking to it and seeing it through. No, I can't point you to a source here... I know I read it somewhere, but I scoured the internet and couldn't find an article to back me up. Give it a chance anyway -- try putting it into practice in your daily life and watch the magic. Even if I end up not finishing, doing half the dishes is better than not starting on a mess at all, and getting a jump start on editing a batch of 400 photos is better than letting it sit and my anxiety build up over all the work I have ahead of me. I can't tell you how often "just 15 minutes" turns into an entire hour of hard work.

thoughts at night

Conscious of my thoughts

like wind whistling past 

barely noticed.

Trickling down my ear canal

tickling my brain stem 

How do I decipher the words spelled out 

like ink in water 

What words are these that demand in whispers

They come at every side, 

a constant stream of consciousness 

or is it unconsciousness? 

homeschool room tour

I finally have what I've always dreamed of: a homeschool room! When I say "always dreamed," I mean that this dream goes back to when I was eleven years old and my parents were looking to purchase a home in San Antonio. While looking at one house that had two living areas, my mom exclaimed, "This would be perfect for a homeschool room!" and thus, the dream began. I knew I wanted to homeschool my own kids someday (yes, at eleven, I already had plans to someday have many children and teach them at home) and I've always been someone who likes homes and spaces and finding beautiful, functional ways of doing things in those spaces. I loved viewing model homes with my parents, and to this day I rearrange my furniture just about every six months. I blame it on being a military brat.

In the back of my mind, probably in a corner labeled Dreamy, Yet Unattainable, were visions of a room full of shelves and globes and maps and old, dusty books. A table for sitting down with my morning coffee, a place to recite Bible verses and continents and math facts, to read aloud Charlotte's Web and Peter Pan and James Herriot's Animal Stories, a place of my own where my children could complain about my coffee breath as I lean over their shoulder to help them with handwriting, just as I did complained to my own mother. Ah, memories. A homeschool room for a real homeshool mom, slippers and coffee breath not optional.

When we first moved into this house, I thought about turning our extra room off the dining area into a homeschool room, but we have so much music equipment and art supplies crammed in there that it became more of our home office/creative space. (That's putting "creative space" very lightly... it's a mess right now and not really conducive for creating much of anything!) Slightly disappointed but otherwise understanding, I turned the bottom of my grandma's hutch into our "school cabinet," and that's what we've been using for the past 5 months.

For those five months, we've done traditional text-book schooling. Pennsylvania has a wonderful charter school available to homeschoolers, using the Calvert curriculum, and they sent us everything we would need -- even a laptop! So for a while, we didn't need much space. It was a tight squeeze, and with my aging, almost-thirty-year-old eyeballs that have never been all that reliable in the first place, sometimes it was hard to see what I was reaching for in the recesses of the Homeschool Hutch, but it worked. Then my mom said, "Hey, I've got a ton of y'all's old picture books and school books down in the basement if you'd like to take them home!" and that led me to rethink our approach to homeschool all together... but I'll leave that for another post!

After several visits to my mom's that ended in returning with one or two or three armfuls of books each time, I realized I didn't have anywhere to store this beautiful collection. What's more, I wanted them to be accessible downstairs, where the kids spend most of the their time, not up in their rooms stuffed in their already over-flowing bookshelves, never to be enjoyed by the whole family. One afternoon, after staring at our dining room for several minutes trying to come up with a plan, I realized we had the perfect place for a long shelf, right under the window! I scoured IKEA for the perfect shelf, and found this one for just over $100.

What's In Our School Room

After lovingly filling it with all of our school books and living books, I decided to bring down some toys for Chase to occupy herself with during school hours. These puzzles and sets of toys had been up high in the kids' closets, because when I can't keep an eye on every little toy my children take out in their room throughout the day, toys with several pieces just end up being huge mess makers. But down here in our homeschool room, I can make sure she takes out one at a time and encourage her in the habit of cleaning up after herself. I love this memory game I found at a thrift store, which features adorable pictures of children from around the world. Another favorite was a gift from my sister, a word game called Very Silly Sentences. This is more for River and Austen's age, and I highly recommend it! It makes language and grammar fun and interesting. For Chase and Austen, I also have several wooden puzzles, pattern blocks, lacing beads, and in the hutch is plenty of paper, crayons, watercolors, and playdough... lots of activities to keep a toddler occupied, and we have more upstairs that I can switch out when need be.

As far as actual school supplies, I keep flimsy lesson manuals and work books in a basket so they don't fall over and clutter the shelves. All my books on childhood development, education, and teaching different subjects, and well as our informational books and story books are now easily accessible in the shelves. River is reading pretty well now and I see him pick up books he's never been interested in before, simply because they are available! That's so exciting to me. I hope to raise voracious readers.

Also kept in baskets are flashcards in individual baggies, and some math manipulatives, and in the middle basket I have replaced those things with copy paper, writing paper, construction paper, and a few notebooks. Finding out a way that works best for us is trial and error. If I think I've found the perfect storage solution for something, I won't really know until I've had it set up that way for a few days and see how it fits into the flow of our school day. For instance, I had the paper stored in the hutch with the crayons, which made logical sense to me, but I found myself having to get up several times a day and walk around the table to search for paper that hadn't already been scribbled or painted on. It wasn't easy to keep it all separate and organized in the hutch. Now that it's in the basket, I can turn in my seat and grab a page, and paper that has been turned into artwork goes into the hutch. I still have to come up with some way to sort all of the artwork my kids create! So much paper...

I love this space because everything is in one place, and that makes all the difference in the world to how our days go. It's easy to clean up after lessons and set the table for a meal, and I love how things are sort of hidden in the shelf, because I've never been a fan of having a bunch of kids' toys out in plain view. I do love beautiful spaces, and this way, it's functional for myself and for the kids!

life lately

I have been so bad about taking a picture a day... but I've been pretty great about taking pictures in general compared to how I was doing before the new year, and even if I'm not in the mood to, so I'm proud of that. And more often than not, I get a picture that I happen to love, even if it's not technically correct (90% of my photos aren't, anyway).

I've been feeling this pull to do something different with all this. I'm not crazy about running a Facebook page... it feels really strange to me to post on it, because while I have a good number of likes and views, but not a lot of interaction, I feel like I'm talking to both an audience and an empty room... at the same time.. if that makes sense. It just doesn't feel like me. I prefer posting on Instagram. And as for my 365 project, I will post on my photography page and Instagram when I feel like it. I know this sounds like such a silly thing to spend time thinking about, but seriously, I have not really known what to do for a while. I kept my page unpublished for nearly two years on Facebook and didn't miss it once, so I think I need to just be true to what feels comfortable for me.

I really do want to blog more, but I only have energy for one main focus at a time, it seems. That's being human I suppose. I have really been researching and changing how our family sees and lives education, and from the moment I wake up in the morning until my kids go to bed and America's Next Top Model takes precedence, I am listening to audiobooks and asking questions on forums and reading blog posts about homeschooling! I have a brand new excitement for educating my kids, and I feel like after getting six solid, meaty months of real, live homeschooling under my belt, I know what I really want for our family and for my kid's little minds. I'm looking forward to sharing more pictures and about our homeschooling journey very soon!

it's possible that i'm not a morning person

I wrote this when River was three years old. It made me snort laugh, remembering my cheery, talkative toddler who is seven now and hasn't changed a bit, except that now he can get his own breakfast. 

My son is driving me crazy and he has only been up for an hour.

I always thought I wasn't a morning person. Okay, in all fairness, I'm probably not. My husband would definitely say I am not. I hate waking up early, I am a grump in the mornings, and I cannot function properly until about 11 am and after three cups of coffee. I'd say mornings and I don't do well, but the truth is, people and I in the mornings don't do well. There is nothing more annoying than a person trying to cuddle/have a conversation/demanding things of me early in the morning. And my family is a very cuddly, talkative, demanding one.

It was 8 am this morning when River brought his cheery little butt into the kitchen, propped himself up on a chair like a little squirrel, and said, "I'm hungry and thirsty. I want something to eat, and some water." First thing in the morning, every morning, this child wants to eat. He wastes no time. He is famished. I just got up thirty minutes ago and finished making John lunch and seeing him off to work, and would love nothing more than to make a pot of coffee and sit down on the couch wrapped in blankets and books. However, I suppose as a mother my job is to feed my hungry kid, so right away, I pour him a glass of water and get to making some Cream of Wheat. Fifteen minutes later, he has gobbled it down in its entirety.

As soon as he is done eating, he announces, "I want to go make a train track. Can I bring ALL the pieces in the living room and make one in here?" I tell him no, there are too many pieces and it would make a big mess, but his room is all clean so he has plenty of room to make one in there (I literally just finished cleaning his room last night after I let life happen to it for over a week. It was one of those things where it was messy and we had a few really busy days with no time to clean it up, so I kept putting it off until it got so bad that not a single toy was in its proper place and they had all practically been dumped and strewn around the room. It took me an hour to clean the whole room, and put every single toy piece back with its mate, back in its box, back in its place. I digress.)

Again, all I want to do is grab a cup of coffee and continue my "waking up process," since apparently it takes me about three hours, but I can see that going to his room with him to build a train track should promise me at least thirty quiet minutes after, with him in his room and I on the couch with my coffee. So I trudge to his room and set up a pretty cool track, one that he should love and appreciate. As soon as it is complete (I took it apart and started over at least once), he decides that he doesn't want to play train tracks after all, he wants to be in the living room with me.

"Okay," I sigh. "You may be in the living room with me, but I want my quiet time. You have to be quiet."

"Okay!" He yells. Everything that comes out of his mouth is a yell. I less-than-gently remind him that I'm right here and he doesn't have to yell, especially because his sister is still sleeping, praise the sweet Lord in heaven.

We make our way to the living room. My cup of coffee that I poured in-between Cream of Wheat and train tracks is cold. I sit in my spot beneath the lamp in the corner, coffee to my left on the table, laptop on lap, blankets in place. All is silent. Until River comes in with a book in hand, and begins situating himself on the couch next to me, while audibly explaining everything he is going. "Alright. I got my book. I'm just going to climb up here, and get under these blankets. Ahh. It is so cold. But these blankets are warm! I love you, Mama. I like being nexta you. Now, let's read. What is this book about? Hmm. The little boy was walking down the road... and then he saw a little tree, and..."

RIVER. Please. I told you, I need quiet.

"Oh sorry, Mama."

The rest of my "quiet time" is spent half-reading, half-listening to a solo game of rock, paper, scissors, answering random, slightly philosophical questions, and giving unenthusiastic responses to things a 3-year-old finds extremely interesting at 7:45 in the morning. That's right, I had almost forgotten a quiet morning is an impossibility for mothers, unless I want to get up at 5am. Which I do not want to do. Because, as I have clearly stated, I am not a morning person.

actually, you probably will really miss these days

We still call her "the baby." I still breastfeed (all day and all night). Her hands still have that sweet, plump, dimply look to them. She is definitely still the baby of the family, but it just occurred to me that I only have a few precious months left of Chase's babyhood. For real. She will be three in ten months, and while I'm definitely not counting, because I haven't counted any time in Chase's life, it's inevitable and will be here before I know it. Probably before I'm ready.

Yes, Chase is my one child with whom I haven't counted down the days or months until dates or milestones. I barely accepted in time that she was almost two. With River and Austen, weeks before their upcoming birthdays, I had already started thinking of them as the next age. But with Chase, instead of looking forward to the next phase, I've soaked up and truly enjoyed every one we are in at the present. I learned the hard way with River, and even with Austen a little bit, that time is fleeting, children aren't as grown up as they seem to a new parent, and I will desperately wish for some way to go back and enjoy the baby they once were.

This is the time when they grow so fast. They change so rapidly. As life would have it, you can go months without seeing a friend, years even -- and when you are reunited, it's as if time hasn't passed. They look the same. Probably talk the same. As far as their mannerisms and personality, they don't change much. Way to state the obvious, right? But children... children change so quickly, you can blink and they are spouting off brand new words like "spicy" and "full" and "itchy," and suddenly they know their colors and they can run for more than 10 paces without falling on their face. Their chunk melts away and they lose the rubber-band-around-the-wrist look. Their hair grows and they can wear it in a ponytail all of a sudden and look like a twelve-year-old even though they are two. How the heck is that even possible? And this could all happen in a month.

And then there's that blog post or meme or whetever going around that reminds all parents that there will be last times... the last time you pick them up and carry them on your hip, the last time you hold them on your lap, the last bedtime story, the last ouchie kiss, the last time they fall asleep in your arms. If that isn't a knife in your heart!

Of course, there is always the grandma with good intentions, reminding you -- after your Facebook rant about how Bobby clogged the toilet with three rolls of toilet paper after feeding the dog his entire lunch and streaking through the front yard naked -- that there are "the good old days" and how you'll "miss them" and to "cherish these moments." And we puff and think easy for you to say, Debra. When was the last time you had to wake up to a screaming, soaked toddler at 4am?

But y'all, I think we need these reminders. Not because it's wrong to feel like we're going crazy, and definitely not because we shouldn't vent or be honest about how hard it can be... because motherhood is tough, and if there's a mother who doesn't feel like that every now and then (or 90% of the time) then I don't want to know her. I think we need reminders because, and call me sentimental here, but as hard as it is, I think the beautiful moments outweigh the crazy ones. Definitely not in an even, paved-road way. But for every bumpy stretch there will be really gorgeous sights to see. Ones that will catch your breath. We don't want to miss those and then realize later that we could have enjoyed them while we were too busy complaining about all the pot holes that should have been filled.

I missed so much of River's toddlerhood. Between learning how to be a mom of two, to dealing with a colicky baby and postpartum depression and a move across the country, I didn't have the time or emotional capacity to see what was in front of me, this beautiful child who was still very much a baby and needing a mama who was more patient and slow and understanding. Sometimes I get angry at the past me, because I would give anything, anything to go back and do it all over again. I truly would. I would live through the sleepless nights, the vomit, the scary moments, everything... if it meant I could get a re-do and really enjoy River as a two, three, and four year old. AND GUYS. That's saying a lot because if you know me, you know how much I hate the threes. Phew.

I'm trying not to make that mistake with Chase. But lately, I'm finding it's easier to complain. It's easier to be short with her and get annoyed with her clinginess, her quirks. But then I look at the curve of her cheek when she's nursing, her little, bulging tummy when she's waiting for the bath to fill up with warm water, or I notice the way she smells like milk and sleep when she wakes up... and I'm reminded that I only have a little bit of time left. Just a little bit. A blip in comparison to the rest of her life. Because someday she really will be twelve, with her hair pulled back in a ponytail, and she won't need me to rock her to sleep. So for now, it's okay. It really is.

we've been waiting for snow!