Better Than Before, by Gretchen Rubin
The audiobook was so motivating, I bought a hardcopy so I could write in it!
I have always had a shaky relationship with new year's resolutions. At the end of the 2017, I went back as far as my blog goes to find all my posts discussing my resolutions. I was humored by the fact that every list I came across contained nearly the same things, and yet I had not consistently stuck to any of my goals in nine years. The way I wanted to function was not even close to how I spent my days. My values were identical to the values I held as a new mother at the tender age of 21; I had romanticized what I wanted the little details of my life to look like, and yet year after year, I failed to reach my goals. I couldn't stay focused. I couldn't stick to anything long term... and I kept adding more to the list as the years went on!
Here is the first list on my blog, from 2010:
- Finish a drawing every week
- Take a picture every day
- Start running
- Read 30 books
I wanted to push myself creatively, take better care of my body, and make sure to set aside time to read. Every year, my list of resolutions grew, but echoed the first. My list from 2014 had a whopping 21 goals! I'm not sure what I was thinking. Did I honestly assume that after a track record of barely clinging to one or two of my resolutions past March, that I would suddenly adopt all twenty one good habits for an entire twelve months, simply because they made it on The List? Check out these lofty intentions:
- Get on a routine
- Drink a lot of water
- Keep up with the laundry
- Read 35 books
- Read only two books at a time
- Run a half-marathon
- Give up soft drinks for a year
- Take a picture of my kids every week
- Choose grace
- Stop yelling
- Save money
- Read to my kids every day
- Less TV for the kids
- Stop eating out
- Blog once a week
- Eat less sweets and fried foods
- Do Whole 30
- Go to bed with a clean house every night
- Go to sleep early so I can wake up early
- Eat greens every day
- Juice on a regular basis
I bet you're wondering if I ever, at all, in the history of resolution-making, actually kept some of them. And the truth is, while I'm generally terrible at sticking to anything, if I look back at the past nine years, I do have a number of accomplishments under my belt, of which I'm proud. I mean, I would hope... nine years ago, I was 22, and hopefully no one is the same person they were at 22.
But I was tired of creating unrealistic expectations over and over which ultimately felt kind of selfish, because every year I was making these goals to "better myself," but I wasn't actually accomplishing them. I needed a deeper change. I needed to shift my focus from myself, to God. For my word of the year in 2017, I chose heaven. My hope was that in my interactions with people, in the choices I made, or whenever I felt discontent, I would remember that when all is said and done, I am heaven-bound, and to focus on my ultimate goal: to be more like Jesus.
I don't think I'm surprising anyone by saying that I did not keep my focus on heaven the entire year, and certainly not on a daily basis. There were months at a time where I actually forgot my word of the year was heaven. But there were a lot of times I gave a second thought to the actions I wanted to take, but I knew that by choosing heaven, ultimately those choices would be beneficial to my spirit.
There was one situation in particular where I wanted to call someone out and threaten with an ultimatum. I am a very non-confrontational person, so this was a nerve-wracking decision for me, but I wanted them to know how badly they hurt me, that I wouldn't put up with their behavior anymore, and that if they didn't change then I was done because it was too painful to deal with them. I stewed and boiled and gritted my teeth until I was calm to send the message so I wouldn't be speaking in anger. But as the weeks went by and tumult still simmered in my chest, one day I had a sudden mind shift: how could I be Jesus to this person? How could I act in a way that was indicative of my identity as a follower of Christ? Instead of my focus being on myself -- my discomfort, my hurt feelings, my need to let someone know they hurt me -- I shifted my focus to heaven.
I was instantly met with this flood of peace. I realized on a level something I hadn't considered before: this wasn't my problem! I didn't have to take on this person's negativity. I didn't have to absorb their emotions, I didn't have to view my value as how they valued me. How they treated me was not a reflection of the person I am, it was a reflection of who they were. Once I knew that I couldn't show this person Christ if I lashed out (even under the guise of self-care), the decision was not a hard one. It was more important that my relationship with this person remained peaceful and gentle. I would continue to support them, love them, and talk to them. If they were negative, I wouldn't feed into it. I would simply empathize with love and compassion for all those involved. Through this process, I was able to let go of a lot of bitterness I had carried with me for years.
I have a new perspective going into this year. I am less focused on bettering myself for my sake, and have shifted my intentions entirely - how can I reflect Christ? I need to change my thinking from "I want to be a better person," to "I want to be the person God has created me to be." This takes the pressure off me because I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, frazzled and chaotic as I may feel at times. God created me with intention. All I need to do is disregard outward expectations for what makes a "better person" in my eyes or the eyes of society, and lean into how he has already made me to be.
Despite this change in my spiritual life, for the past few months, I've felt overwhelmed and burdened with everything on my plate. Homeschooling, mothering, cleaning, cooking, churching -- everything has left me feeling like I'm drowning. Usually these feelings of being utterly overwhelmed last no more than a few days, but this time it had been months. They weren't related to my mental health either, as my anxiety has been more under control and besides a few days of really bad PMS, I have had no unexplained feelings of depression or hopelessness.
Something had to change. I've never felt so discontented in motherhood for such a long period of time. I felt selfish for even feeling discontent, because my life is so great. My kids are healthy, my husband loves me, and my family lives nearby.
My discontent was in the details. I have told myself over and over for four years that motherhood is my mission and I believe that wholeheartedly. Right now, it is my holy occupation, my main focus, my God-given assignment. I even led a Bible study on the mission of motherhood last summer! But I felt like I was doing the same thing every day, all day long, and seeing no results. My house was becoming more cluttered, I was yelling at my kids a lot, and I felt like I was spending more time putting out fires than I was sitting down with my kids and actually mothering. I felt like more of my interactions with my kids were negative than positive. Not exactly... holy. I wanted to do something outside of motherhood as well, to really embrace "mother culture" (besides reading), but I didn't have the time or resources, because I felt like 99% of my energy was focused on just getting through the day.
I don't want to live a life where I feel like my only goal is to get through the day. That's never how I pictured motherhood or my life in my thirties. I want to connect with my children, to laugh and play and enjoy them, and I want my home to be a place I look forward to waking up to every morning. I don't want to stay up until 2am because that's the only time I get to myself, and I don't want that time to be the only time when I feel calm and fulfilled. I am tired of feeling exhausted and dysfunctional in the morning.
I don't know if it was reading Girl, Wash Your Face (which honestly, kinda irritated me), Tiffany Jenkin's live video on Instagram where she encouraged everyone to believe in their dreams, reading Better Than Before by Gretchen Rubin, or my IG friend Mandy's positive messages she shares everyday, but I'm going to assume it was a glorious mix of all four (what I did take from GWYF must have hit in all the right spots) -- but on January 1st, I woke up ready to kick ass. I had a plan in mind, and it was going down. Guys... I am NOT a go-getter. I've never felt that I could ever be successful or accomplished. Ever. This is new, and totally weird.
If I were to put my resolutions in a nice, concise list, it would look like this:
- Follow a morning and evening routine
- Read for 10 minutes every day
- Write for 10 minutes every day
- Consistently post on my blog
- Pray for my heart's desires
- Conjure the gumption to attend church every Sunday
- Track my cycle/eating habits/emotions/physical health every day
- Set specific times to wash the dishes
- Make a dream board
- Take Plexus every day
- Do the laundry every day
- Write in my planner every day
- Stop mindless scrolling (on the internet)
- Stop mindless spending (Amazon/Target dollar spot are my weakness)
- Only read what's on my shelves (no more bringing new books into the house)
- Speak positively to my kids/parent gently (no habitual complaining about their behaviors under the guise of "parenting")
- Learn Clair de Lune on the piano
- Read 30 e-books/tree-books
- Listen to my body
- Eat out less, make food at home even if it's not "perfect" or ideal healthy food
I prefer to not have it all written out, because that is super intimidating. Rather, these are gentle steps to get me closer to my ultimate life goals. They are reminders, nudges, whispers. Several of the things on my list are built on the pillars of my morning and evening routines, which I have been faithfully following for eleven days now, and so there is a natural rhythm that happens when I accomplish them. I am riding on the waves of my resolutions, rather than fighting to meet 21 unrealistic goals every day. I am not tied down by them, they are there to lift me up. Some of these might seem incredibly simple, but I need those simple baby steps. One thing I learned last year that has been absolutely transformative for me is how my brain functions. (For me, the steps between starting and finishing are difficult and sometimes feel impossible.) I need things broken down very clearly, step by step. I rely heavily on habit "triggers."
Take "set a specific time to wash the dishes," for example. Although I'm in the kitchen every day, washing dishes, my kitchen is nearly always messy and I constantly feel unsatisfied and angry about the state of that room (yes, angry!). I have set two specific times to actually go into the kitchen to wash dishes for just ten minutes; for me this is the ten minutes it takes my coffee to brew in the morning, and ten minutes immediately following putting my kids to bed. This isn't enough time to clean the entire kitchen, but it does guarantee two things: 1) that I will begin, and therefore will do a lot more than ten minute's worth of work (because starting is the hardest part), and 2) that if I really don't have the emotional energy to clean the whole kitchen, I know it's only ten minutes, and I can stop when that short amount of time is up. No guilt. My kitchen isn't any cleaner than it was before, but it's getting clean, and I don't feel controlled by the constant anxiety that I need to do the dishes. The dishes will be done in their allotted times.
The last two are also good examples: my goal is to eat at home more, make food from scratch, and listen to my body. Not "eat healthier," not "eat balanced macronutrients," not restrict myself from sugar or grain, but just to cook and eat at home and respect my body's wishes. If that means we eat hard boiled eggs, roast chicken, and bananas every day -- fine. I know that by simply cooking and eating at home, our diet will improve incredibly. This is a gentle step that will get me closer to my goal of eating balanced macronutrients. Already, I am eating less sugar because it's starting to make me nauseous. Two days in a row, I have eaten something I regret and immediately felt the repercussions. The second day, I purposely didn't finish my meal, because I knew my body was telling me it was not cool with it. I also only eat when I'm hungry, which is usually at 1pm and 6pm. That is my body's natural rhythm.
Another example is "stop mindless scrolling." Rather than, "go on the phone less," I know that most of my time wasted on the internet is when I get stuck in that Facebook/Instagram vortex of refresh refresh refresh. So by cutting off mindless scrolling, I'm making sure my time on the internet is positive and worthwhile, and I'm not turning social media into some kind of enemy.
My word this year is nourish. This words packs so much for me, and feels so damn good. My focus is to nourish myself and the people around me. When I'm doing something such as staying up too late, or scrolling mindlessly on Facebook, simply asking myself, "Is this nourishing to my body/brain/spirit?" gets me out of that weird limbo funk where I'm doing something not great for myself and yet can't stop. I'm not focused on the negative; I'm focused on what's positive. When I'm interacting with my kids and correcting someone, I ask, "Is how I'm speaking to my child nourishing? How can I switch this moment to be nourishment for my child, instead of negative." Y'all it's so good! I'm seriously psyched about what this has done for me this year already.
What is your relationship with new year's resolutions like? I hope this year you are choosing something that lifts you up, rather than makes you feel like a failure. You are worth it. Do you have a word of the year? And if you've had words of the year in the past, how have they impacted your life? I would love to hear. It's so interesting how something as simple as focusing on a word can make small changes to better our lives.
No comments:
Post a Comment