i realize

I realize.... I have it really, really easy.
I realize, despite the things in my life
that are a little bit more difficult,
I don't have a daily, nagging, heart-squeezing worry
that is constantly in the back of my mind.

My children are healthy and safe.
My family is healthy and safe.
My family is supportive.
My husband loves me and respects me and cares for me.
The things I have make my life full and enjoyable.
I want for nothing.

Sometimes I wonder why some people are given more heartache than others.
It doesn't make sense and it's not fair.

I've lost a few people that are important to me,
I've been let down by a few people that are important to me,
but ultimately, my life has been untouched by heartache.

Sometimes the anxiety kicks in and I think,
"Well, since I haven't been through something tragic,
does that mean it's around the corner?"
The anxiety makes it hard for me to write this.

I hate thinking like that.

But I know anxiety is, unfortunately,
something I cannot just turn off.
And anxiety leads to dwelling,
And dwelling leads to depression,
And depression leads to apathy and boredom
And tears with no purpose.

I'm trying more and more to live day by day,
to not worry because worry doesn't change a thing.

Not a thing.

I'm grateful beyond words for the life I am living,
for my sweet little family and these children
who can make motherhood difficult and frustrating at times,
but ultimately, light up my every day
with their presence,
their sweet faces,
their unconditional love.