heavy

My heart has such a strange heaviness to it this Christmas season. Perhaps it's all the stress and chaos and heartbreak from the whole of 2020 being released from my shoulders as we go into 2021, along with facing the unknown and knowing it's not quite over. Never have I seen so much division and hate, kindness and love, never have I been equally so disappointed in and proud of my fellow humans. Never have I appreciated my own family so much during these times of hardly leaving the house and covering my face in public and watching friends lose loved ones to this terrible, unpredictable disease. This year has truly brought out the best and worst of us, has it not? I feel overwhelmed with all the emotion and frustration that has built up these past 10 months. Gratefulness, too, and yet my heart is weary. I am so tired of it all.

But then this: in my small circle, everything is fine. Not fine - perfect, despite the imperfections. Full, good, lovely, comfortable, joy-filled. Today is my grandma's birthday in heaven, my Mimi. As a child, when I visited her home and spent the night, every morning she would wake me up with the good morning song, all off-tune in the way she sang. Oh, how I miss her beautiful, off-tune voice! I wish I had a recording of her singing it. But I can still hear it: good morning to you, good morning to you! We're all in our places with sunshiney faces, and this is the way we start our new day!

And it was during this song that I sang to Wilder this morning, on my sweet Mimi's birthday, that he smiled at me for the first time. I'll never forget. Mimi, you would be enamored with all of your great-grandchildren. How I wish you were here to sing to me.