these are the days

I think these days are going to hold sweet memories I look back on with a certain fondness, the kind where the sound of kids' chatter and footsteps and the cold air biting my face and the weight of Chase in the sling will remind me of walking to the bus stop with my girls every afternoon to pick up my boy. Little, mundane things, sometimes things that seem like hassles, are going to be held in a special place in my heart. These are the days, you know? The days that are so, so very special.

I feel like it's taken me three kids to really understand what it means to slow down and drink in every moment. The other day I was reading a book while Austen and I were eating lunch. She kept talking and talking about something and I was not even really trying to listen. I was just about to tell her to quiet down and eat, because I was trying to read a book and she needed to hurry up so she could go have rest time -- but then I put my book down and watched her. Her amusement at this story she was telling me, the way she mispronounced her words with her baby voice, the way she smiled and raised her eyebrows and her eyes got all big, the way she covered her mouth with her chubby little hand (that won't be chubby for much longer... hold me) when she laughed. I loved it all, and I took a picture with my mind (a la Elizabethtown). It's little things like that that are the most important in my life and in my memory box, and I don't want to forget them or pass them by reading a book that I'm probably not even going to remember in a few years anyway.

I am soaking up these days with my kiddos. I am learning every day to truly appreciate the little people they are. I have so many things to be grateful for... my fertility, their health, their safety. Things we might take for granted in the day to day. When River was a baby I followed the blog of a mother whose sweet baby had cancer. She lost her daughter, Layla Grace, to the disease, and I remember reading a post of hers where she said she would get so annoyed with Layla before she got sick when she was trying to unload the dishwasher and Layla kept trying to "help" and was getting in the way. But that now, she would give anything to have Layla there, getting in the way, helping the way only a 2-year-old can.

As I've gotten older, I've seen people I love lose people they love. It's heartbreaking, sobering, eye-opening, and tragic. I don't understand it, and every time, it shakes me. I can only think of how lucky I am to have my children, all three of them, safe, healthy, and whole. I absolutely need to treasure each moment with them, because I don't know when those moments won't exist anymore. Life is unpredictable and I am truly not in control of anything, as much as I'd like to think I am.

I'm not saying I'm this saint of a mother who never, ever gets annoyed with her little angels. Oh my god, no! Because I tweet things like this.. a lot....

 But is it silly to say I want to be that way? I want to cherish every moment! I want to be thankful for talkative kids and helpful two-year-olds. I want to not worry about getting things done quickly, wasting time, having conversations with my kids when I could be reading a really great book. I want to store up memories of my babies because they are the three wonderful things that most fill up my heart and bring joy to my life. I'm a lucky, lucky mama.

pumkin patch visit 2014

perfectly ready

Every day, I feel the date get closer and closer. There is so much going on in my mind, this list of things that needs to get done, yet I remind myself that there is no such thing as the "perfect" time for a baby to arrive, and as much preparation as one does, there will always be something else that needs to be done. My life cannot be put on hold or cleaned off and polished like a chalk board and kept perfect until this little one's arrival. She will be entering our lives as they are -- imperfect, busy, messy. But that's life, and we will manage.

We will once again find our new normal, just as we did when we went from one child to two, and no matter how prepared we think we are, there will still be moments of stress and chaos. I think I will be able to experience more moments of peace and beauty and awe over this baby if I allow myself to embrace what is very real about life instead of having unrealistic expectations. When this baby arrives, there will be dishes in the sink. Probably wet clothes, forgotten an soured in the washer. The Tinker Toys will be mixed with the Duplos will be mixed with the Lincoln Logs. The carpet will probably have to be vacuumed and the sheets will need to be changed. Those are my expectations.

And so, with those expectations in mind, I am ready. I am so ready to hold this tiny body against my heart, kiss each tiny feature on her face, feel each little toe between my fingers, smell that sweet, milky scent. I'm ready for that first, sleepless night where all we do is nurse and I won't hardly be able to close my eyes because I will just want to stare at the beautiful thing before me, at this tiny person that has been miraculously developing inside me for nine months.

Welcome to our family, Baby! This is our beautiful, messy life together, and we love it. It's not perfect, but we've been waiting for you, and you make us feel so complete. We want you and we need you to fill this piece in our puzzle. It's our life, and now it's your life, and more than clean dishes and made beds, I want you to remember the love. Experience God. Feel warmth and joy and humor and security. You are the reason why dirty dishes and laundry and messy rooms are okay -- you, and River, and Austen. Because without you three beautiful souls, my home might be spotless and my to-do list might be crossed out, but my heart would feel empty. So welcome to this beautiful evidence of five hearts full of love and life. We love you Baby, and we are perfectly ready to meet you.

Love, Mama.

that time i was blocked from a crunchy parenting page

Y'all. I was blocked from Motherwise. You know that super helpful crunchy parenting page on Facebook that everyone loves? The one that posts inspiring memes and helpful articles about everything from breastfeeding to co-sleeping to gentle parenting? That one. Apparently I'm not crunchy enough, or my holy anger toward formula companies isn't fiery enough. Or something.

I made two comments. They were both deleted and I was blocked from the page.

Funny, since I'm a breastfeeding mom. A breastfeeding mom who -- like the majority of the women commenting under the original post -- wishes formula companies didn't send samples to every new mother, because I know that it can be harmful to a mother who's struggling to breastfeed. I know it's a marketing strategy, and it makes me sad. I want all mommies to have a successful breastfeeding relationship. You know how I feel about breastfeeding -- I mean, come on. If you've been reading this blog for any length of time, at all, you know it is something about which I am passionate.

But I also know that there are many mamas who can't breastfeed, or who have simply chosen not to. Whether that's from misinformation, lack of support, for the mental health and well-being of the mother, or just a choice she has made because she felt more comfortable -- really, it's none of my business. I also know donor milk is not available or realistic for every baby, sad as that is. Many women don't even know donor milk is an option. And certainly, if you don't have a few women donating milk, the average American family can't afford to buy breastmilk, which usually costs about $5 to $7 an ounce. I think selling breastmilk is unethical, but that's the reality of it. It's just a fact that some families must use formula, because they have no other option.

I've learned in my five short years of parenting that anger doesn't get you very far. Neither does spreading half-truths, fear, and guilt. Support and loving words are what all mothers need, whether they breastfeed or choose formula. Saying formula should be "thrown in the garbage" or that it's "full of GMOs" is marginalizing. That attitude and approach pushes people away, and makes new mothers feel unneeded guilt in a vulnerable time that is already brimming with emotions and struggles.

Here is the original post. I feel for this mama -- I do. First of all, I remember how passionate I was about breast being best when I was a brand new mommy. (I still feel like a new mommy; heck, my oldest just turned five. But you know what I mean.) So I get her anger. Do I agree with it? Well, not any more. But I could have written this very post when River was an infant. I would have thought my anger was justified and I would have shouted it from the rooftop, appalled at evil Similac -- Um, EXCUSE ME. I am a BREASTFEEDING mother. I don't need your FAKE FOOD for my PRECIOUS BABY.

Yes. I know. Sorry.

This comment was toward the top. I thought it was a great testimony to some people needing formula. Choosing (or having to use) formula for your baby does not mean you love them less! And here in America where we have access to great    good    better-than-most healthcare, it doesn't even necessarily mean your child will be getting sick all the time! (Imagine that?)

One of the more heartless comments. Look, comments like these are not only unhelpful, they're just rude. Try putting yourself in someone else's shoes. Consider their situation for a bit.

One of the more ramped up comments. Which I, uh... totally agreed with. This comment wasn't deleted, by the way. But this just shows you, this was about as "bad" as it got. People were being respectful.

So pretty much this: Formula should never get used. Even if you need it. Don't use it. Under.any.circumstances. (Because it's evil and killing your baby, right?) Screw donating formula to people in need! How can someone even THINK about feeding their baby that filth?!

Another completely unhelpful comment. Yes, donate breastmilk. Help out at WIC offices being a peer counselor. Give breastfeeding information to mothers who want it. But don't throw the formula away... for goodness sake, some babies actually need it.

(And as for homemade raw goat milk formula -- yes, I've heard of this recipe, but I'm sorry, count me in as a mother who would not make or feed that to my baby. I'm sure in a best case scenario, it's healthier than canned formula, but you can't always depend on best-case scenarios. Some mothers may not even have access to high-quality, trustworthy raw goat milk.)

My first comment. The majority of the comments, I'd say 90%, said pretty much the same thing -- donate the formula to those in need. Nothing striking or original about my comment. I actually posted it before reading the other comments, otherwise I probably wouldn't have commented at all, to avoid sounding like a broken record.

This is when I decided to start taking screen shots. No one, in my opinion, had said anything remotely offensive. They were just advising the mother to donate the formula. I have seen MotherWise go on about this many, many times: saying that people were calling breastfeeding-supporters judgmental and sanctimonious. I'd never actually witnessed it myself. I looked through all the comments (yes, I read every single one) and did not find a single comment where someone was calling some of the mothers "judgmental" and "pissy." Other than a handful comments that were really offended by the original post -- either by the fact that the formula was sent, or by the angry attitude of the original poster -- most of the comments were just suggesting the mother donate the formula, or call the company and request her name be taken off the list. 

So I asked.

And apparently, you don't question the goddess of MotherWise. Because I got my ass deleted and blocked in a hot minute. 

Why am I posting this? Because I am so utterly tired of this mess. I'm sick of seeing mothers treat each other like this. I love the natural living community -- I've considered myself a part of it for a long time. Before my kid was even born! But I am tired of the guilt-hammering and fear-mongering. 

As I said above, I could have easily written that original post. I used to get angry, really angry, about things like this. What changed? I have known friends personally who made certain decisions for their children because their first choice wasn't attainable. I have seen homebirth tranfers turned c-sections because they labored for days and their babies got stuck. I have seen breastfeeding dreamers turn formula-feeders because their nipples were cracked and bleeding, or because they suffered from postpartum depression. And when the people I cared for turned into the mothers who were on the receiving end of this sort of treatment, it hurt my heart. It really did. I felt embarrassed and horrified that I could have ever been a part of this kind of behavior, that my hands ever typed comments that could be taken as heartless and hurtful.

The fact is, we don't know everyone's story. And also, it's none of our business. No, really... it's not! Let's do the best we can for our families, and when you see children who are obviously loved and cared for, yet their parents do something so completely different than what you would choose for your own child, let's just assume that parent is doing the best they can in their situation. 

And language. Please, let's change our language to be helpful, not hurtful. Encouraging, not discouraging. Remember that old saying that's been around forever? Something about attracting flies with honey instead of vinegar? Remember that anger only gets us so far. Even justifiable anger.

my minimalist baby list

1.  Carseat
Obviously, this is at the top of the list. Let's just get this over with. You need a carseat. Duh. You already knew that. I can't tell you which one, but I know some people who can help you pick one that will fit your needs! Now, moving on.

2. Prefold diapers, covers & cloth wipes
I say prefolds, because these are the most minimalist, trusty, least-fuss diapers to have. They are made of natural fibers, so you don't need a fancy cloth diaper detergent -- just something powdered. I used just about every cloth diaper type out there (except some hybrid brands) for four years and can say in my experience, prefolds are truly the most trusty diapers out there. My babies had less blow-outs in prefolds than any other type of diaper -- that includes pocket diapers, all-in-ones, and disposables. I freakin' love prefolds. And it's all this baby is going to wear, because I know they work. No poop roulette here.

3. Burp cloths
Oh. My. Goodness. So many burp cloths. I'm pretty sure I had two dozen with both my kids and it still didn't seem like enough! My babies spit up... a lot. And once you use one, you don't want it hanging around for too long, getting all stiff and sour. You'll go through them like crazy. I love to embellish plain, old Gerber prefolds with a piece of fabric down the middle to make 'em fancy. (These are not diaper quality, just so you know.)

4. Newborn mittens
This is one thing I didn't even think about when River was born. Babies are born with weapons -- tiny, razor-sharp claws. Unfortunately, their victims are often their own delicate, soft faces. I had to send John to the store to get a pack of baby mittens. In the heat of Texas August, there was my tiny boy, in a diaper and cotton mittens. At least his pretty little face was unscathed.

Newborn scratch mittens by lilcleo on Etsy

5. Infant grooming/first-aid kit
I don't recall all that actually comes in a grooming kit, but I'm pretty sure I only used the nasal aspirator, nail clippers, comb, and thermometer. The little comb is great for cradle cap, and you will use that nasal aspirator (affectionately called the Snot Sucker in our family) until the kid is old enough to blow his own nose. The newborn clippers that come in the kit are super easy to handle without slipping and nicking your baby's precious fingers... for the most part. (Sorry, Austen.)

6. Some clothes, not many
Specifically, t-shirts and sleep sacks. If it's cold, footsie pajamas, a winter bunting, and a light hat or two. To me, the newborn period isn't time to dress up baby and make her look adorable. She's already adorable and there will be plenty of time for that later. I like keeping the first few months simple. Newborns poop so much and I don't want to change a onesie three times a day (or more!), but I love little infant t-shirts. Sleep sacks are also fantastic to have, so you don't need to cover them with a blanket at night. When we moved to Washington during the winter when Austen was 6 weeks old, all she really wore in and out of the house were footsie sleepers and little cotton hats. They are easy, cute, and warm.

White knotted sleeper by childHOODS on Etsy

7. Ring sling
There are so many different kinds of carriers out there, it can be overwhelming. But this is supposed to be a minimalist list, not a confusing list! Ring slings don't require any special learning curve or talent. It took me about three tries before I felt confident wearing Austen, and after that it was bliss! I loved my ring sling; I wore her all the time. It was a life-saver, as mommy to a newborn and rambunctious two-year-old. And another reason the ring-sling makes this minimalist list is because of the price. Other carriers can cost about $100 or more, but you can buy a ring sling for about half that price. And if you have any amount of sewing machine skills whatsoever, you can also make your own ring sling. It's one of the easiest things to sew. And then when people ask you where you got that beautiful carrier (because the fabric you picked out was not only on sale, but also totally unique and gorgeous, you frugal, artsy mama, you) you get to sound super impressive when you say, "Oh, I just whipped this up over the weekend!" No one has to know it took you 15 minutes and cost only $20.

8. Swaddle blankets
I didn't have swaddle blankets with River, but ohh how I wish I did. Austen spent about 75% of the first two months of her life swaddled up nice and snug, using Aden and Anais blankets. But here's some more good news -- while those name-brand blankets are pretty pricey at $35, you can buy your own cotton gauze or muslin fabric for as little as $2 a yard, and then dye it whatever color you want. Then go crazy and potato-stamp some cute stars on it or whatever. (Like I said, frugal AND artsy, right?)

Mint pompom swaddle blanket by TheLovelyCo on Etsy

9. Coconut oil
Coconut oil can be used for so many things: a gentle, completely natural, not to mention antimicrobial and antibacterial diaper rash ointment (that is safe for those cloth diapers), a thermometer lubricant, a lotion, and cradle cap cream to name a few. I love coconut oil probably as much as I love swaddle blankets. And almost as much as I love ring slings. The awesome thing about coconut oil is that you use so little of it. A jar could easily last you a year or more. The stuff is amazing.

10. Socks
Teeny tiny baby socks, what is cuter! Except your actual baby, of course. I don't think you can have enough newborn socks. For starters, you'll loose them like they're going out of style. Baby will kick them off, they'll get eaten by the dryer, and it will be impossible to keep up with them because they are so damn small. Second, socks will help keep Baby at the right temperature. Although River was born in August in Texas and he spent most his day naked, I almost always had socks on him. His little toes would get cool to the touch. And of course, if your baby is born in the cooler months, socks are helpful for obvious reasons.

11. Thick, cozy blanket
Okay, we all know we don't put newborn babies to bed in thick, cozy blankets, right? Right. Thick, cozy blankets (like a crib comforter) are excellent for going out of the house and snuggling them in the car seat, wrapping Baby in your arms, or laying across their little bodies while they sleep under your supervision. As River got older and mobile, I found that I could nurse him to sleep in my arms wrapped in a thick blanket cradling his head, then move him to the bed without waking him, because the blanket kept his head from rocking back and forth and waking him up. Thicker blankets are also handy for playtime on the ground.

Crib comforter by Little Slumber on Etsy

12. White noise
I don't necessarily mean a white noise machine -- anything that has the ability to make a loud, constant whooshing noise will work. A television on the wrong channel. An old radio. Your vacuum cleaner. A CD of ocean or rain sounds. Babies have spent the first nine months of their existence in fluid movement, listening to the loud, whooshing sounds of your heartbeat, the pulsing of the placenta, and the soothing, muffled sound of your voice; the world is just too quiet for them. Sometimes white noise was the only thing that would get Austen to stop screaming when she was a newborn. We'd turn the TV on extra-loud and she'd quiet down. It got really old listening to it for hours (yes, hours), but it wasn't as bad as listening to the heart-wrenching screams of a newborn babe. When she got a little older, we found a two-hour video of a waterfall on YouTube, and she listened to that to fall asleep until she was about nine months old.

13. A bag for diapers
And not necessarily a diaper bag! You could use a tote or a large purse. I got over my diaper bag pretty quickly when River was an infant. I found it much more useful when I had two children because I had more to carry around, but even then, often I'd just take one of my big purses. Unless you're planning to be away for hours, leaving the house with Baby doesn't have to be stressful -- a couple diapers, a change of clothes, a blanket, and you're set.

Mustard diaper bag by ickadybag on Etsy

That's the Super Minimalist List, but personally, I would like to add a few other things I find helpful.

14. Pacifier
Neither of my kids took a pacifier. River kinda liked his until he was about six months old, and Austen straight-up refused one. I am tired of being a walking pacifier, y'all. Yes, mothers are the original paci, but sheesh, no one mentions how exhausting being the paci is! (Hint: it's really exhausting.) With two other kids to take care of, I really want to option to put something other than my boob in this baby's mouth so I can get things done. Dear Baby... please like pacifiers!

15. Swing
Oh precious swing, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways! If there's any major baby gear you should get, it's a swing, and you can probably find a used one for $30. When you need to get stuff done, good luck trying to lay your little one on a flat, unmoving surface. This is why swings are so awesome. But make sure you get one that actually works well -- Austen was so chunky, the swing my parents bought for her barely grunted back and forth under her weight! I could have done an underdog at the heights River's swing reached. Got him to sleep every time. Kept him asleep for 25 minutes. Which was as long as he ever slept. Ever.

16. Glass bottles
I prefer glass, because it's free of chemicals, and also because you can put it directly in boiling water to warm frozen milk. Of course, not everyone is going to need bottles. Austen wouldn't take a bottle at all, because I waited too long to give her one, so I plan on giving this baby a bottle a few times a week starting at about three weeks old, assuming breastfeeding is going well.

17. Infant bath sponge
Newborns need sink baths. It just makes sense. Tiny baby + sink = adorable. A bath sponge will give them a soft surface and help you feel less at risk of your slippery baby wriggling his way out of your hands, and you won't have to crouch over that clumsy infant tub that will only last them until they're six months old and they decide it's a great idea to try to climb out any chance they get.

18. A pack of disposable newborn diapers
One word: meconium. If you are planning on using cloth, this is not essential, but helpful. Meconium is dark, sticky, and will stain anything it touches, including your clean, pretty prefolds.

19. Highchair
Austen didn't have a highchair and we survived. Though, I'd like to have one for this baby, to at least try to keep the food contained in one specific area.

20. Exersaucer
I loved having an exersaucer for my babies. We bought Austen's used for $7, and gave it to her for her first Christmas! Many babies can start using them when they are about two months old, and can use them up until the time they start walking. The reason this makes the list is because most infants get to a point where they want to sit up and see the world and use those neck muscles, and they just can't do that lying down, even on a raised surface. An exersaucer also offers a safe, fun place for Baby to hang out when they get older.

One of my life rules is to always buy used if possible. You end up spending about a fourth of the price, and it's just gentler to the earth. Babies don't have to be expensive! And it's not a big deal if getting everything on a typical baby list is not realistic -- it wasn't realistic for us when River was a baby, and everything turned out fine. When Austen was born, I actually didn't want all the extra stuff. All we had for her were some clothes, blankets, diapers, and a diaper bag. Really! It wasn't until she'd been around for a few months that we got the used exersaucer and my parents bought her a swing. And babies don't need toys; you will find they are much more interested in things lying around the house, anyway. For the amount most baby gear costs compared to the length of time you actually use them, it's just not worth it to me. I didn't find parenting any easier when I had lots of baby gear compared to when I had just what we truly needed.

a fun afternoon at the library, except not

It's 7:45 and I quietly shut the door to my big kids' room about fifteen minutes ago -- not exactly the "early" bedtime I was pushing for, but after going to bed past ten lately, it's... better. I always joke that when Austen gets ten hours of sleep instead of her usual eleven, everyone had better watch out. The child turns into a monster. But it's not an exaggeration. She needs all, and exactly, twelve hours of sleep. If that doesn't happen, her world starts crumbling at around three in the afternoon.

At three this afternoon, we had just arrived at the library. Since we didn't have a car last summer, I wasn't able to take the kids to the library at all. And then, other than that, I don't have an excuse, but I hadn't taken the kids to the library since Austen was about ten months old. I don't know... I'm a crappy mom I guess, because I never take my kids to the library. We were all excited. Within ten minutes of sitting down with my carefully chosen book, ready to watch the kids play and explore the children's area, Austen thought it would be hilarious to throw a foam block across the room at my head. Whatever, she's a two-year-old, so I asked her to come over so I could quietly explain that we can't do that in the library.

Now, a friend recently mentioned to me that kids go through six-month developmental periods of calm and storm. This makes complete sense to me, and I can say it's been true with both my kids. River's "storms" are pretty mild and mostly just obnoxious. He argues more, whines more, is a little more wild and careless and runs into a lot of doors. Austen's are like a hurricane. And it seems like anything can set her off.

When I told her I wanted her to come over to me, she refused. I started counting, a la the book 1-2-3 Magic. This method works great, mostly. Just to explain a little, you don't just count "One...now I'm warning you!... two... I'm not playing around!... two and a half... you had better listen RIGHT NOW! Two and three-quarters!... OKAY THAT'S IT, GET OVER HERE!" It's a very simple, to-the-point technique that cuts down on a lot of arguing and fit-throwing. Especially if your kid is River. (Austen is not River.) First you say, "That's one," and you wait five seconds without saying a single world. "That's two." Wait another silent five seconds. "That's three, it's time to go to time-out." Usually by, "that's one," the kids quickly oblige because they know what's coming and very rarely do we reach three. But Austen thought it would be cool to change things up a bit in public, you know, where everyone is watching my parenting skills, or lack thereof, in action. She flat-out told me -- NO. And by the time I got to three, she was in hysterics. You can't reason with a toddler in hysterics.

I gathered her up to take her outside, River following along, "But Mama, we just got here... are we going home? I really, really don't want to go home!" (Poor kid.) We sat outside while Austen screamed and moaned, much to the annoyance or amusement of passers-by, but the girl would not let up. I thought we'd be out there for two minutes, tops, her usual allotted time for disobeying. After ten minutes, I apologized to River and we headed home. Her screaming did not cease until we were in the apartment, at which point it started up again because I shut and locked the door when she wanted to do it. We made our way to the bed where we snuggled and talked and she cried some more about wanting to go back, and though the day certainly didn't go as planned, I'd call this a parenting win and I'm really hoping the lesson was learned.

So, you could say we're in the middle of a storm.

Having grown up a child who was spanked, it's difficult for me (but has become easier) during these moments to not want to just pop her on the behind. I know I can offer my kids better, but damn it is hard when you're in the middle of it. And Austen isn't one to respond to spanking. I don't know from experience, as I've never spanked her before, but I know for certain even a light tap disguised as a mean, old spanking would devastate her. The kid has a lot of feelings.

i'm okay with the mom i happen to be

This blog post, this is for me. This is kind of an apology for myself.

Hey, Self. You're not so bad. Yeah, you're not perfect, but who is? You know you have the ability to change. You know on your best days, your really good days, those days are good because you're trying. Really hard. And that's what it takes. Mom-ing is hard. You're a good mom. I mean, for the most part. You're better at some things than other things. Sure, you might not be able to stand the way your four-year-old's voice sounds at 8am before you've had coffee, and sometimes you say things you regret, and sometimes you don't make your kids wear shoes outside, and you're terrible at following a routine. But you're pretty good at keeping your cool when your two-year-old is twenty minutes into throwing a temper tantrum. You rock at not freaking out about dirt all over their little bodies and paint all over the table. And your kids are totally independent because they know that's what you expect from them. So maybe you can loosen up a bit and try not to yell so much, but you're doing okay. And that's okay.

I am not the perfect mom. There are a lot of things I would like to change about the way I parent. I snap and yell a lot. It's one of the things I dislike most about myself. And I yell even more when I'm PMSing or pregnant. It's a pattern that is so easy to recognize, yet it took me nearly five years to see that some of my hardest parenting days are when my hormones are out of whack.

But I'm not here to talk about hormones, or who I am on my worst days as a mom. I want to talk about who I am on a regular day, the way I deal with my children. My ways, which may not be ideal for a blog post on parenting, but which I am tired of comparing to other moms. I'm tired of moping and shaking my head forlornly and thinking, "I just don't parent gracefully. It's not something that comes naturally to me. I always thought I was going to be this fantastic mother someday, but I'm not. I don't know why I can't be a better mom."

It's true, I don't always parent gracefully. You won't see me swoop in like Ms. Honey from Matilda and gently, softly, whimsically convince my children to get along with one another, whilst instilling some rich, life-long values into their hearts and braiding daisies in their hair. At least not every day. Maybe after I've had a good night's sleep and a glass of wine. But not usually.

I don't smile all the time. Some days I think if I hear another Hey, Mama? I am going to lose my shit. And I throw away a lot of artwork my kids make (because there is just SO damn MUCH!). They eat way more peanut butter and jelly than what is probably healthy. And yeah, about the shoe thing -- look, I'm sorry, but shoes go missing real easy around here, and it's just so much easier to tell my kids, "Just go outside, don't worry about shoes!" And there are only so many times I can "watch dis" or trace a fat little hand or "snuggle wif" someone in one day.

I've always said Miss Honey was who I looked up to the most. If you have read Matilda or even seen the movie, you know exactly what I'm talking about. This fictitious woman is a saint. She's independent and patient and kind and loving and creative and soft and just totally perfect. If I could be like any mom, I'd want to be like Miss Honey. But I'm so not.

For instance, I use "HEY!" and "EXCUSE ME?" a lot. River will tell you. If I'm mid-sentence and he starts walking away or interrupts, I'll belt out a big, scary, "UM, EXCUSE ME." and he will jerk his attention back to me. The thing is, mostly I'm a pretty nice mom, so the UM EXCUSE ME is even scarier. It's a great technique; you should try it sometime. I think my mom has even startled at one of my UM EXCUSE ME moments.

See what I mean, though? I'm not sweet like honey, and I'm not subtle. But uh, I am getting better at this whole parenting thing. Slowly. Three kids in.

It's not because I'm blossoming beautifully in all these different areas. It's because I'm learning to accept myself and focus on my positive attributes as a mother. If we want to encourage our children to better an area of their lives, we don't do that by slamming into them all the ways they are awful people, do we? No, of course not. We praise them for their efforts. We tell them all the ways they are wonderful and great and how proud of them we are. And mommies, we need to treat ourselves with kindness, as well.

I still struggle all the time with wanting to be a soft-spoken, always-smiling, totally laid-back mommy. I have friends that fall into that category -- truthfully. I look to them and think, "Why can't I be like that?" That's always the mom I imagined I'd be, when I was a little girl. But I'm not. And for a really long time, that hurt so bad. I was ashamed that I couldn't act the part of a better mother. Sometimes, I still feel shame. But that's a waste of time.

It has taken time, but I am learning to be happy with myself, even in the most emotionally and mentally challenging area of my life -- motherhood. When I make a mistake, I choose not to make myself feel horribly about it by dwelling on it and feeling sorry for myself. That's hard for me to do. I tend to love to pity myself. Heh. And since I'm learning and growing, I'm trying to stop judging myself for who I am. What I expect for my kids, I also need to offer myself: grace. It's okay that I snap and turn into a scary mom sometimes. I know that I have way more to offer in love, and my kids know I adore them. I may not ever be a totally patient, tender-hearted, honey-sweet mother. And I'm trying to be okay with that, because I've got to give up striving for perfection, or striving to be a woman I am not. I want to spend my energy to be a better version of myself, not a perfect version of someone else.

11 tips for staying motivating to clean your home

As we make our way slowly back to resuming normal life, I'm having a hard time finding motivation to get much done. I decided to gather all my tips and tricks that I normally use for tough times and big projects and write them all down. Maybe through this post, you'll be able to find some inspiration for tackling a messy area in your home, too!

1. The number one thing I do before tackling any big cleaning project is to get mentally prepared. This could mean a number of things: Put on some music, open the windows. Wear your PJs, or get dressed for the day and put your hair up (I like to wear a pair of flip flops -- I hate crumbs on my feet!). Brew a pot of coffee or eat a couple cookies as you work. Put on a sitcom or something you can listen to don't really have to pay close attention to. Whatever you need to do to create a pleasant environment in which to work. Don't just start cleaning. If you do and you're like me, you'll soon find yourself distracted, unmoved, and tired. I actually prefer to wait until the entire room is clean to light candles -- that's like my "job well done" for myself.

2. I love to read blog posts about cleaning and organizing. I know that Pinterest is normally for reading about people doing things and then not actually doing them, but you can use it for some really great inspiration when you need to get pumped up about cleaning up. ;) Even if they are simple and something I've heard before, they help get me in the mindset to start cleaning.

3. See if a friend or family member can come over and help with the kids while you're busy. I'm so lucky to live near my parents, and they have been able to watch River and Austen practically every time I've needed them. But when you're parenting 24/7, what do you really want to do when the kids are out of the house? Truthfully, I just want to lie down and binge watch The Office and eat something the kids aren't allowed to have. But I can get a ton of work done if one of my sisters comes over and distracts and entertains my kids so I can clean. If you ask someone to come over to be a mediator for your children so you can work, you're not going to kick back and relax while they are there... you're going to work!

4. Think about how you'll feel after things are clean. Take a moment to breathe and look around the room you're about to tackle -- imagine the floors vacuumed, every surface cleared, and a sparkling, inviting feel in the entire space. Sure, it'll take work to get it there, but I know once it's clean, I'll feel so much better and victorious over the mess that was trying to take over my life and my home.

5. When you start, first clean the things you don't mind cleaning. For me, it's the living room. To move clothes to the laundry room, put the kids' toys back in their room, take dishes to the sink, fluff the throw pillows, dust, and vacuum is no big deal. I actually enjoy it (as opposed to cleaning the kitchen, which I hate more than scrubbing the toilet). So I start with the living room, and when that's done, I'll flip on a few lamps, light a candle, and open a window so that the environment of my home feels calmer. That alone motivates me to tackle other areas.

6. Feel good about every little thing that gets done! If you're tired, achy, and unmotivated, you should celebrate over little victories. Sometimes, instead of making a To-Do list, I make an Already-Done list as I work. As busy moms, we something tend to underestimate the amount of work we actually do in a day. After every task, no matter how small, write it down and be proud of yourself for the work you got done, and watch your list grow. It will encourage you to keep adding to it.

7. Try giving yourself a specific amount of time to work on something, or a simple chore, instead of setting about to do the entire thing. I often won't start cleaning something because I know the amount of time it takes to complete it is more than I have the motivation or patience for. I can stare at my horribly messy kitchen and know it is a good hour of work, and not want to touch it. But never underestimate the power of a good halfhearted job! If you look at it as getting the job done one step at a time, it'll be easier. For instance, I may not have the motivation to get my entire kitchen clean, but I can unload the dishwasher. Then I can clear and wipe the counters. And by that time, I can either stick to my halfhearted goal and take a breather, or just keep on keepin' on. Before you know it, the kitchen is either clean or looks 50% better than when you started. Every little bit of work helps. And there's less to clean up when you do decide to finish.

8. Another approach is to do a little halfhearted housework in each room. Just because you stopped cleaning one area of your home doesn't mean you can't move on to another area. Sometimes it's all you need for a fresh view. A change of pace. My brain tends to hop from one thing to another, so I may give myself 15 minute chunks of time to complete one task in each room, making a circle. Each room will start to feel a little bit less chaotic and you may not get worn down or discouraged as you might when tackling one giant project at a time.

9. Pick your top three things that need to be clean to make you feel less chaos. You can pick three for your entire home, or three for each room. For me, my top three are a cleared & wiped counters, vacuumed carpets, and a made bed. Here are my top three for each room.

Kitchen
Cleared and wiped surfaces
Swept floors
Dirty dishes in sink

Living Room

Couch made up and throw pillows in place
Floor cleared & vacuumed
All clutter on one surface

Bedroom
Bed made
Floor cleared & vacuumed
All clutter on one surface

Bathroom
Trash taken out
Cleared & wiped countertop
Sanitized toilet

10. One way to get rid of clutter fast is to go around the house and pick up anything that doesn't belong in that room. Have one basket to carry around and toss everything in, or have a basket for each room (or each family member). Empty it out at the end of the day so the junk doesn't continue to pile up!

11. And last of all, this one doesn't have so much to do with the cleaning process as keeping things clean. A gem that I got from The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin is: finish what you start! Look at everything as having a complete beginning and an end. Making a peanut butter sandwich doesn't just involve slapping some peanut butter and jelly on two pieces of bread. You finish the job by putting the bread away, putting the dishes in the sink, and wiping the crumbs off the counter. Making a nice cup of hot tea and reading a book on the couch at the end of the day also involves putting the tea bag in the trash, putting the cup in the sink, placing the book back on the bookshelf, and folding the blanket. Catch my drift? It's so very simple, but if you truly follow this "rule," it can actually save you a lot of mess heartache!

sweet potato, avocado, and chevre quesadillas

This will remain one of my all-time favorite lunches! I made this one afternoon when I didn't have a whole lot of food on hand. Luckily, I was feeling creative. I decided to combine three of my favorite flavors, and was so pleasantly surprised with the result. I need to make these again. Soon.

Directions for making one quesadilla. Use as much of the following ingredients as you want.



Sweet potato, very thinly sliced
Onion, sliced
Avocado
1 oz. chevre
2 tortillas
Softened butter

Saute the sweet potato in oil of choice for about ten minutes (I prefer butter or coconut oil). Add the onion and saute until translucent. Remove from heat. Generously spread softened butter evenely on one side of the first tortilla and place butter-side down in pre-heated skillet. Make sure the bottom of the tortilla is covered in butter -- this will make sure it is evenly toasted. While the tortilla heats up, add a layer of sweet potato & onion, avocado, and chevre. Salt & pepper to taste. Cover with the second buttered tortilla, butter-side up, and when the bottom tortilla looks golden brown, flip the quesadilla. When that side is golden brown as well, remove from heat and serve! You won't want to share.

beach trip