leaves of my tree

one of those days

2012-02-15T15:34:00.003-06:00

oh, lordy. we're pulling ourselves out of the deep, dark, snotty hole of "we feel like crap" and getting over a mild bug (and austen's first illness). finally around 3:30 yesterday afternoon i decided i should try to clean the house after letting it go to sh!t for about a week. today the back bedrooms still hold evidence of the week behind us. dirty diapers piled on the back of the toilet. toys in every corner. blankets strewn about. laundry that is multiplying at an alarming rate; i am trying to find a way to approach this issue that does involve folding & putting away, obviously. and then, this morning, the day started off in the worst possible way: a tiff with my husband. why is it that i care so much about what this one person thinks? i can forgive myself for things, i can get over arguments with family members, and i can take a deep breath after yelling at my kid and chill out, but when my husband and i aren't in communion, nothing else matters until that is fixed. i love him. i need things to be right with him before i feel remotely functional.

some days, it's not that a bunch of horrible things happen that turn the day sour. most of the time, it's little things sprinkled in here and there, and the frustration just builds. today was one of those days. so, fast forward a few hours later. i was moping around and making lunch for river and myself, when austen started screaming (she gets worked up really quickly) and wanted to nurse RIGHT NOW. i put my meal aside and set river in his high chair to eat, and tried to nurse austen. she's always had some latch issues, and when she's already hungry and mad, it just makes things worse. while she was trying to get in a comfortable position and gulp in between sobs the breastmilk that was letting down just too fast, river decided to stand up in his high chair to reach over and grab an open can of green beans that i sat down on the counter a bit too close to him, and got his fingers stuck in between the sharp top and the open mouth of the can. now, imagine me running over, trying to hold a screaming infant with my boob hanging out, yelling at river to STOP PULLING! LET GO, LET GO! MOMMY WILL HELP YOU! RIVER, STOP PULLING!

oh let me tell you, there's nothing like some baby screaming during a blood-pressure raising situation like such to make you loose your appetite. at that moment i decided that for the sake of my sanity and the well-being of my children, i needed to brew a pot of coffee. i still have not eaten my lunch, but frankly, i am still recovering and tuna tacos just doesn't sound that great right now. (blech, when does tuna ever sound good?) austen is now down for her long afternoon nap and river is reading books for rest time, and not to worry, i have coffee in hand.

vegan sugar-free pancakes

2012-02-11T08:43:00.000-06:00

i found a recipe for super easy pancakes the other day and tweaked it to be sugar-free and vegan. i'm not concerned with eating a vegan diet, but when you don't have milk or eggs on hand, it's pretty convenient. plus you get the added crunchy/hipster factor of saying, "oh yeah, these are totally vegan." baking with stevia is not something i do often, but i've learned that using stevia in recipes that call for very little sugar, like pancakes or biscuits, works best if you don't care for the stevia aftertaste (like me). i think the amount of stevia used will also depend on what brand of stevia you buy. i am using sweetleaf and 3/4 teaspoon equals the sweetness of 2 tablespoons of sugar.

this recipe will make about ten decent-sized pancakes:

2 1/2 cups of flour (any -- i used white whole wheat)

3/4 teaspoon stevia

1 1/2 tablespoon baking powder

1 teaspoon salt

2 3/4 cups water

1 tablespoon coconut oil (make sure it's not solid!)

- sift the dry ingredients. make sure there are not any clumps of stevia. you do not want a bite of pancake with a big clump of stevia or baking soda. very bad memories.

- an easy way to melt the coconut oil if you live in a cooler climate (like me YAY!) and it is most likely solid is to whisk it in the 2 1/2 cups of water, heated. then add the oil/water mixture to the dry ingredients and combine.

- one thing i've learned about making horrible pancakes for years that get slightly better with each try, your skillet is perfect if, when you spray a little water from your fingers, it balls up and rolls & "dances" in the skillet. if it's too hot, the water will evaporate immediately. if you haven't seen water dance on a skillet, you will know when you've seen it and it will intrigue you like it did me.

from here on out, i'm hoping you know how to pour batter onto the skillet and flip the pancake when the cooked side is firm enough. i will assume you do. because even i know how to do that. proceed with pancake preparations! bananas taste great on these -- do it.

a mama's "good morning!"

2012-02-09T13:03:00.002-06:00

in the mornings, i would like to greet the day by sleepily strolling to the living room, opening the blinds, pouring myself a cup of coffee, and finishing the process of a gentle awakening with a good book.

but no.

HEY MAMA, HEY MAMA. I MUNT PEA-BUTTA JAY SANICH. HEY MAMA, HELP ME DO DIS MAMA. HEY MAMA, I GET IN HIGH CHAIR. HEY MAMA, MUNTA BITE? HEY MAMA, YOU WASH MINE HANDS? HEY MAMA I DEET DOWN? HEY MAMA, I WATS SUMPING ON TD. HEY MAMA, DADDY GO WORK, MAMA? HEY MAMA BAPAH GO WORK? SKY AT COOL? AJ AT COOL? EMMA AT COOL? NINI AT HOME? HEY MAMA, WE GO NINI'S HOUSE PEASE? I MUNTA GO NINI'S HOUSE, MAMA! HEY MAMA I TAKE A BAF? HEY MAMA WHERE COLBY? OH DARE HE IS! HEY MAMA DARE'S COLBY! YOOK, MAMA! DARE'S COLBY! HI COLBY! HEY MAMA, YOU TURN DA HEATER? HEY MAMA, C'MERE. MAMA, YOOK MAMA, C'MERE MAMA! TURN DA HEATER! HEY MAMA I GO PAY IN MY MOOM. HEY MAMA, YOU TURN ON DA YIGHT PEASE, MAMA? HEY MAMA YOOK AT MY YOTSEE YOTSA CARS! HEY MAMA, HEY MAMA, HEY MAMA. HEY MAMA!

written in fluent riverish. can you translate? ;)

over the weekend

2012-02-07T14:53:00.001-06:00

last weekend was a freakin' good weekend. on friday night, my parents called and asked if river could spend the night. um, yes?! when would i pass up the chance to have a quiet, toddler-free night? i am so used to being needed, that even after he was gone, i kept feeling like he was still here. john's cousin sarah has also moved to washington and is living with us, and every night we do this thing where we play scrabble and watch multiple episodes the office because we have no other friends and nothing better to do. i kept feeling like river might wake up at any moment and need me to lie down with him like most nights, and then i'd realize he wasn't there. talk about a much-needed deep, clear breath of free time. after my dad and sister picked him up, we spent the remainder of our evening quietly eating crappy vegan banana bread while quietly playing scrabble and quietly sipping vegan hot cocoa (totally not going vegan, but saying you're eating vegan food makes you cooler, right? we just haven't bought any milk or butter lately). it was all very quiet. ahhh, nice. sometimes mama just needs a break. thanks to my own mama, i get that sometimes.

when we lived in san antonio, we worked as freelance photographers and john, also as a graphic designer. it's not easy or realistic to pick up a business and just move it across the country. we have no contacts here and therefore, no way to continue photography. we were very blessed though, as john was able to find a great job almost immediately. this means he works out of the house full-time -- something we're not used to. it's not until now that i realized that advantages of having my husband home all the time. even when he was working, if i needed him to hold a baby or change a diaper or clean sticky hands, he was there to help me. with him working outside the hosue, putting the kids on a routine was easy, but it also means by the weekend we are really missing the papa bear. our weekends are spent soaking up our time as a family of four. taking it slow and enjoying simple things together, like car rides and listening to music and eating a meal together. since river was at my parents', saturday morning we decided to take advantage of just being mama, daddy & very quiet three-month-old who can neither walk nor talk, and went to barnes & noble to sip on hot tea and read over-priced books which we will never take home (must find this at the library... and this, and this one too... oh, and this one..) i love barnes. it's my quiet place, my sanctuary, my place to go and recharge and breath oxygen and sanity into my mommy brain.

after taking in our fill of yummy books, we stopped at starbucks with our "happy birthday free drink" cards (i got a venti chai tea latte with breve and a shot of peppermint syrup.. oh, it's the little things, people). then we finally headed to my parents' to get river. it was an absolute perfect day outside. the skies were crystal blue and sunny, and it was much warmer than it has been. i've really become aclimated to this cold weather. in san antonio, "fall" weather is in the 60s, and i'm usually one of those wimps that needs a sweater. that weekend i was totally bragging about not even needed a jacket in 57 degrees. does that mean i am officially a northerner? taking advantage of the temperature and the quickly setting sun, we took river and my little sister to a nearby park called wonderwood.

washington is such a beautiful state. the north has a certain smell, and i realized as we were walking up the path to the playground. it's a very nostalgic smell for me. just beautiful. and the mountain -- it still amazes me every time. i have yet to get a good picture of it. i can't do it justice.

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2012-02-01T14:50:00.000-06:00

snowfall

2012-01-22T09:02:00.000-06:00

my camera has been capturing the images of my days, but i have yet to upload them or even look through them, because we have been too busy playing endless games of scrabble, pictionary, and cranium, sipping comfortably warm and re-heated cups of coffee with cream and sugar (yes), soaking up the beautiful words of cs lewis, taking steaming hot showers, and cheering austen on as she begins reaching for people for the first time.

on saturday night sweet, soft flakes floated to the ground. after evening church we made our way to breakfast for dinner at a cafe and stayed drinking coffee and talking for a good two hours until finally river's nodding head and heavy eyelids told us it was probably time to go home and get the kiddos to bed.

and then on sunday morning the fields and trees and roads and sidewalks had all been covered in a fine layer of white powder. just enough to cover the ground so that blades of grass were hidden away. river was overjoyed.

it kept snowing and on wednesday it was expected to warm up and rain and wash the snow away. instead, in the quiet of tuesday night much of the northwest coast received a foot of snow, and everything was bright white. everything. we were snowed in. it was all fun and games as we piled onto sarah's bed deciding what movie to watch when suddenly everything went dark and the echo of our heater's last hum was heard. the power was out.

we spent the next few hours petting the dog feeling sorry for ourselves wondering what people did in the days before ben flew his kite in a thunderstorm (read books?!) and shivering in our dark apartment that had cooled nearly 15 degrees. and then when trees started falling, heavy with the weight of snow and freezing rain, and people's vehicles were getting stuck in snow for hours just trying to pull out of their parking lots and we couldn't even boil water (because our oven didn't work -- obviously) and the electric company said "your electricity probably won't turn on until sunday" i laughed a little laugh of insanity and decided it was time to call mom and dad and see if we could crash at their house for a few days.

on went the snow chains and we packed up the necessities and made the three mile trip to my parents' going fifteen miles per hour, staring at the trees all enveloped in ice. it looks like someone had decorated them like that. everything was ... beautiful. like glass. shiny and reflective and slick and beautiful. like they could snap in two so easily. (which is what they were doing, anyway.) we weren't the only ones without electricity; apparently 255,000 at one time from seattle to olympia were without power. by the time we arrived at my parents' their electricity had come back on.

surprisingly, we spent the next few days playing board games instead of watching tv and talking instead of facebooking and reading instead of tweeting. (although some quick pinteresting was done now and then.
after all, i had to show my sister that tree covered in lace) and it was so nice. nice to have warm, homecooked breakfasts, lunches, and dinners for a few days (thanks mom). nice to have someone to talk to at any moment and nice that i wasn't the only one chasing after river and bouncing austen when she cried.

yesterday the power came back on in our apartment (a day early!) and so we packed up our belongings, a little bit of sadness and relief rolled into one, because i was sad i was losing some pictionary buddies to join me for midnight games, but happy to finally be home in our quiet, tiny living room in my own ~~bed~~ cot (because we got rid of our bed when we moved).

i'm so happy to be living here so close to my family. i'm happy that my babies get to grow up these next few years with their nini and grandpa and that my mom gets to see austen turn into a roly-poly baby and river, from a baby to a kid. and that i can tell my brother to shut up when he's annoying me, like the good old days! haha.

we sure did get sick of the snow, but last night as the sun was setting and the skies were finally blue and pink again and not white like everything else and the whole earth was wet and drippy and some trees were springing back from their bowing positions (while others permanently bowed, as they had snapped in two) sarah and i crunched (frolicked) in the untouched snow in the front yard and enjoyed the "warmer" weather of 40 degrees.

it hasn't snowed like this in olympia in over 60 years (or something like that) but i'm glad this is how washington has greeted me. because i wanted snow. (and it began on my birthday) and even after all that i'm still enjoying the winter because after two record breaking san antonio summers (during which i was pregnant) in the last three years, a little snow doesn't even phase me.

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2012-01-16T17:39:00.000-06:00

3-year blogiversary

2012-01-16T16:05:00.001-06:00

today marks the third year my little blog has been around -- all started because there was a teeny baby boy growing in my tummy, and i wanted to record moments so that i would never forget them.

2009:

2010:

2011:

2012:

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2012-01-15T15:40:00.000-06:00

today, slowflakes fell softly and people stayed in. each nub, twig, and branch was covered in a light powder and the outstretched arms of the trees looked like lace.

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2012-01-14T19:35:00.002-06:00

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2012-01-14T17:22:00.000-06:00

easy peasy pizza crust

2012-01-13T13:07:00.000-06:00

i hate yeast. because if it's made with yeast, it probably means it needs to be kneaded and set to rise. nope, won't do it. first, kneading is way more work than i am willing to put forth for food. the only time i should be breaking a sweat when making food is when the kitchen's hot because the food's already in the oven. so i discovered a pretty easy pizza crust recipe and made it even easier. i can honestly say it was pretty delicious! and with so little ingredients, it is super cheap.

2 cups self-rising flour
3/4 tsp salt
1 cup water
1 tbs honey
1 tbs oil

after combining the flour and salt, add the rest of the ingredients. i made my pizzas right away and put the remaining dough in the fridge to make more later, and it was much easier to handle. the second batch wasn't as lumpy as these. i baked the crusts in the oven for 10 minutes at 350, took them out and put on the toppings, and then popped them back in the oven for five minutes. (and yes, i ate cheese. we are on a spending freeze until john gets his first paycheck and i am very limited in what i can actually make!)

the thing i like about this recipe is you can switch out some of the ingredients if you want. this would've been great with olive oil but we didn't have any on hand. the other day i used this recipe to make bread sticks (or rather, a stubborn bread blob that i cut into stick-like submission after it baked) and i used ham fat that i had scraped off the top of ham stock and froze. and of course, you can use sugar instead of honey if you want.

also, i never have self-rising flour on hand, but my dad bought it and my mom never uses it, so she gave it to me. it worked great and tasted delicious, but i got similar results when using whole wheat flour and a packet of yeast. the only thing is, you have to make sure the water is warm (about 130 degrees) and then you have to let it rise for about 20 minutes. not too bad. still tasty. just a couple little extra steps.

12 / 366

2012-01-12T18:41:00.002-06:00

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2012-01-11T18:42:00.000-06:00

is there such a thing as sugar withdrawal?

2012-01-11T17:04:00.000-06:00

because i'm pretty sure that's what i'm going through.

see, here's my relationship to sugar. i love sugar. no, i mean, i love sugar. i have no self-control when it comes to sweets. i can sit there and eat ten oreos, or as many as it takes to satisfy my craving. you will never see me reach into the bag and pull out two oreos, like any other normal human being. i know not the lifestyle everything in moderation. i think i'm seriously and dangerously addicted. i know it may sound like i'm trying to be funny, but i'm not. it's bad, man. the recommended daily amount of added sugar (meaning, sugar outside of naturally occuring sugar in, say, fruit) is 40 grams for a grown woman. i eat way, way over this amount on a regular basis. one can of soda has 50 grams and i can easily drink the amount that is in two or three cans. i can't even imagine what it's doing to me on the inside. how am i going to pay for this some day?

so on the second day of not eating refined sugar, i woke up feeling like cuh-RAP. my head was pounding, i was light-headed, my heart was palpitating, and i felt like i was going to pass out. i had no strength and had to go back to bed and ask my husband to make me something to eat. it wasn't until a few hours later that i even attributed feeling like that with not having had sugar for two days. i guess my body is so used to having a sugar-overload that it didn't know what to do.

it's been eleven days since i gave up eating sugar. i have cheated a couple times -- once, with a tiny slice of homemade pecan pie (how could i pass that up?) and maybe two or three other times, with very small amounts. other than that, i have stayed very far away. it's been extremely difficult. it's such a part of my life, that i often forget. the other day i was checking out at the grocery store and saw there was discounted christmas chocolate at the register. i almost added it to my cart until i realized i'm not eating sugar! when it's right in front of me and i am resisting it, it feels so good afterward to know that i held my ground and didn't give in. i can't believe it's been eleven days!

other than feeling great emotionally because i am proud of myself, i think how i change physically will be obvious to me in a few more months.

just yesterday, i was telling john how easy it's been with the kids the past week. i've been uncharacteristically patient with river, and in turn, he's been a pretty easy tot. he always feeds off my vibe. then, last night, i was talking to my mom about how hard it's been for me to resist sugar, and that i really do think it is a real addiction. it's already been shown that fast food triggers the same addictive response as drugs, so it doesn't surprise me that giving into every single craving of refined sugar set me up for a sugar addiction. i'm wondering how long i will have to go without sugar to get over it. it's horrible enough being addicted to sugar! i dream about french toast... cookies... caramel popcorn. along side giant glasses of ice cold milk, of course. i can't imagine being addicted to a hard drug. ha! my mom replied that she was with a friend when desert was offered, and when her friend passed up desert, she asked wasn't she going to get any desert? her friend replied, "no, sugar makes me angry." her friend went on to say she used to be addicted to sugar and had to stop eating it because it changed her mood.

i was like, oh oh THAT'S ME! that's why i've been so patient lately! because i haven't had any sugar! so now i know the key to keeping crazywhitney at bay is to stay away from sugar. it all makes sense now! sort of. i need to learn why sugar changes my mood. funny, because as a parent i am very aware that excessive amounts of sugar for my children is bad and how it changes the personality of my son, but it never occurred to me that it could change my mood as well!

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2012-01-10T19:53:00.000-06:00

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2012-01-09T17:25:00.001-06:00

christmas was merry!

2012-01-08T16:39:00.000-06:00

the whole christmas theme on my blog is getting a little old. i haven't had time to make a new header but i guess at this point i should just recycle an old one. until then, it's also about time i posted our christmas photos.

christmas eve night was spent at my family's house. my mom's parents started the tradition that the youngest children see the tree on christmas day first, and this year austen must have been pretty excited because she woke up at eight on the dot and would not fall back asleep, even though normally she is a pretty late sleeper. i admit that even at twenty-three years old, i get really excited for christmas. so, when i figured she wasn't going back to sleep, i did what i had to do and woke up my little sisters, knowing they would spring out of bed and wake everyone else up. instructions to "not come down until you hear the christmas music!" were given and the kids chattered in excitement as they all lined up near the top of the steps, anticipating seeing the after-santa tree.

austen was first, of course, but she was all very blasé about the whole thing.

next was river. i was totally excited to get a picture of him seeing the tree this christmas, because it is the first christmas that he

1) understood what was going on and
2) cared.

i present to you, river's christmas face:

he immediately started playing with the little people set santa scored at a second-hand store.

next was my little sister emma, who is ten. this picture cracks me up. it reminds me of this picture my mom has of herself running down the stairs behind her little brothers. my uncles are walking calmly down and my mom is just a blur.

emma was shocked to discover santa had brought her a gerbil. i mean, after her initial scream of happy disbelief, she just kind of sat there and it seemed to take a while to sink in. she had been asking and asking and my mother met each request with a resounding NO! no gerbils in the house!

that santa...

the older kids were way too cool to make a big deal about the tree, but there was an inkling of emotion when my brother saw that he received the hoodie and webcam he'd wanted so badly.

river got some cute mittens from his great-grandparents and insisted on opening presents while wearing them.

my old american girls doll was my gift to my little sister. she carried it around the rest of the day. :)

river's "fix-its" from my step mom. he loved them! after opening these, he then insisted on opening further gifts with his fix-its. and the mittens.

three cans of cinnamon rolls and two packages of bacon fed us for breakfast. when my mom asked what everyone liked more, we all replied bacon. duh.

and it looks like santa had more than just milk and cookies that night...

i really wanted to make hand-made gifts this year, but that was a little unrealistic in the middle of the move. we did, however, manage to keep river and austen's gifts within our "toy guidelines," or whatever you want to call them. we only got them a few things each, and everything was either second hand, eco-conscious, or ethically made. it was so hard to stick to these guidelines and i was tempted to just buy anything i could find in our budget for austen when it was two days before christmas and we had not found her that perfect gift yet (because she totally cares), but i didn't cave! i hope next year i can get started earlier and be a bit more creative and make them lop-sided mama-made toys with love. i had tons of friends who made their kids hand-made gifts this year and it was so inspiring to see their creations

okay, now christmas is officially over and i can change my blog. :)

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2012-01-07T22:07:00.002-06:00

today my dad took the babies and my siblings and i skating. it was interesting. i haven't been skating in years. it brought out my inner middle-school girl. every time i'd slip i'd scream. i felt twelve years old, but there's nothing scarier than falling backwards with wheels for feet. all the tiny children were passing me as i was scooting along. but by the tenth lap i was leaving all those ~~suckers~~ little kids in my dust. river was presh... he had fake skates on. the wheels didn't roll so he just sort of thunked his way around the rink and thought it was awesome.

on another note, sorry for being that annoying neighbor that leaves the christmas lights up till june. i know i need a new header and music, desperately.

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2012-01-06T22:03:00.000-06:00

i didn't take a picture today :( so here is one from a few days ago of my little dumpling :)

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2012-01-05T23:48:00.000-06:00

4 / 366 - what i wore wednesday

2012-01-04T18:45:00.003-06:00

i'm going to try to make my wednesday pictures "what i wore wednesday," inspired by bleubird vintage blog. i don't know if she's the one who started what i wore wednesdays, but i love the concept and i love looking at the creative, vintage-inspired outfits she and other bloggers put together. her mama style posts were pretty inspiring. i'm not really sure when i stopped caring how i look, because i am a true girl and i love dressing to look nice. it's okay, as a mom, to take some time for yourself, and it's totally possible to look cute and run after your toddler at the same time!

the afternoon is morning to me

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2012-01-03T18:44:00.000-06:00

los angeles

hello twenty twelve

2012-01-03T00:39:00.001-06:00

happy new year, everyone! i suck at blogging during the holidays. the time has come for me to share my new year's resolutions. i didn't keep any last year, what with being pregnant nine months out of the year, and then having a new born the rest of the year, in the middle of holidays and moving. wow, just typing that sentence stresses me out. there was no way i was going to read a bunch of books, sew a lot of stuff, and eat healthy foods. okay, maybe the last one i could have kept, but you know. now that we are kind of settled in our new place (with 90% of your crap gone, it happens pretty quick) i am ready to get serious about this new year. my resolutions this year simple, but not easy.

eat well
i need to change my diet. something drastic needs to happen. after river was born, we got pretty healthy. when i got pregnant with austen, it went completely downhill. i answered the call of my sweet tooth and ate practically everything in site that contained hydrogenated oils and refined sugars! it's just so good. i love food. i love eating. it's my favorite pastime. eating food. so this year, i've started off by not only giving up crap like fast food, but also giving up dairy and refined sugar. eventually, i want to give up meat. but this is all temporary -- sort of a detox, if you will. one the main reasons i'm giving up dairy is because i've had horrible acne since i was about sixteen. i've heard that if you've tried everything and nothing helps, try giving up refined sugars and dairy. you don't know how difficult this is for me -- i love milk. i'm on day three and i've already cheated twice by eating food that was cooked with butter. i would give anything for a big glass of milk. the other night, i was craving sugar like you wouldn't believe, and my mom gave me an idea for an all-natural "candy bar." i will share soon in a blog post! this is going to be hard, guys... at the end of my dairy-sugar-meat-free couple of months, i will still try to stay away from refined sugar for the most part, use milk substitutes whenever possible (like almond milk), drink green smoothies as often as possible, and prepare meals with less meats. i have nothing against meat, but it is hard for our bodies to digest and our family definitely doesn't eat enough greens!

start running
i've wanted to start running for a couple years now. my mom's a runner, and now that i live near her, there is no excuse! i am going to start training for a half-marathon in the summer. a big part of me doesn't believe i can do it. i have horrible stamina, i'm in the worst shape you can imagine. skinny doesn't mean healthy or in shape, i can prove that to you by showing you what i look like after i've been running for thirty seconds. i am the last person you'd think would run a half-marathon, but i'm going to make it happen. i believe in my body. i know what i am capable of, even if my mind doesn't agree.

take a picture every day
i was so glad i made this my resolution two years ago. while i didn't get a picture every single day, i took a lot more photos than i normally would. this time i am going to post a photo for every day of the year.

read
no number. just read. a lot.

be nice
i have a problem with patience and yelling. i want to show christ to my children and my husband.

what are your resolutions this year?

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2012-01-02T20:17:00.000-06:00

i pay pano

1 / 366

2012-01-01T20:01:00.000-06:00

at nini's

december flurry

2011-12-29T19:11:00.000-06:00

every year, i have vision of blog posts full of beautiful photographs of soft candle light, little chubby faces peering through frosted windows, christmas cookies cooling on the table, so on and so forth. but i never get around to writing and uploading and editing and publishing, or even sitting still with my thoughts for more than a few minutes. i guess it's a trend in our family to up and move around the holidays, which means there is little time and little money to do much of anything. i've been meaning, like every year, to sit down and edit our holidays pictures. this is probably the third time i've tried writing a blog about december. i thought about just uploading photos and sharing without words, but i want to remember. and part of remembering is going back and reading what i've written in the past. it's my favorite way to remember. so i am going to have to fit all of my thoughts from the past month into a long, boring post, full of the most random photos, all for the sake of memories.

two new years ago, i made the resolution to take at least one photo a day. i'm glad i did, because as i was putting river's one year book together on shutterfly, i realized i did not have a single picture of him on my digital camera when he was three months old. i had a couple cell phone pictures, and that was it. for the rest of the year though, i had tons of pictures. of course, with austen, i am much busier than i ever was with river. i get distracted and even though plenty of days i think, she looks so adorable today! i have got to get a picture... i just never get around to pulling my camera out and snapping a shot. i'm a perfectionist, and the downfall with that is that if i can't get a good photo -- not just a snapshot, but a great quality photo -- then i just won't even try. that's bad! bad, especially when you have quickly growing babies that need to photographed constantly, so you can remember all the funny faces and little moments that you would otherwise forget.

[thank you for nursing in public]

austen is a funny girl. she is so different from her brother. river was smiley, content, easy-going. he would go to anyone. if he was ever upset, all i needed to do was nurse him, and all his little baby troubles would melt away. in fact, sometimes it seemed he nursed all. day. long. i am not exaggerating when i say we hardly went twenty minutes without a nursing session! he was easy to make laugh and extremely sociable. my little ray of sunshine every day. very strong and active. a horrible, horrible sleeper. in fact, i found an old notebook in which i had written questions to ask my midwife at our six-week check up, and one of them was "is he getting enough sleep?" i laughed because i remember that... how he would be awake the majority of the day, and then wake up seven, eight, nine times in the night to nurse.

she is a pretty easy baby for the most part, but in every other way she seems to be different from river. she is very particular... you better hold her the right way, shush her the right way, bounce her the right way, and don't you dare put her down and walk out of the room. she loves being around people and starts crying almost the instant you leave her alone. she is very serious and it is a tough game trying to make her smile! forget laughing... she's chuckled twice, holding her breath and smiling her precious smile, but she refuses to laugh! it's the funniest thing and makes us laugh. i can't wait until she laughs. she is still a great sleeper. i was so afraid it was just a lucky sleepy newborn thing, but every night she only wakes up to nurse twice, and she takes long naps during the day, giving me a much needed break (or rather, better attention to make sure river isn't getting into trouble).

holding austen "right."

as expected, it is very wet here in washington. it's all very "twilight"... i feel like a werewolf is going to come out and attack me at any given moment. the trees are incredible. i was talking to my amazing stepmom the other day and mentioned how gorgeous the trees are here. she pointed out that everything else texas has is huge -- the squirrels, the burgers, the sky, the cockroaches. but the trees are just these stumpy little things! it's so true. in san antonio at least, the trees are pretty pathetic. i am amazed at the length of these things here. they shoot up into the sky, and sometimes the branches don't even start until about ten feet above a two-story building.

it's cold, but not too cold. the weather hasn't started to depress me yet... maybe because i prepared myself for it. or maybe because in the past three summers in san antonio, two of them were record-breaking, with incredible heat and intense drought. i was soooo ready for some rain. it's funny though, i have found i am pretty excited to see the sun when it does shine through the clouds. even river yells, SUN! MAMA, SUN! kinda sad. poor kid. ;)

it's okay though, because there's a coffee shop at every corner. almost literally. the people here love their coffee, and i'm pretty sure it's because they need something warm in their hands. a small, independent coffee shop in san antonio is hard pressed to survive for long, but here, the ma and pa coffee shops survive among the starbucks' pretty well.

i feel much more at home here in olympia than in san antonio, even though this is the first time i've ever been west, and i lived in san antonio for most of my life. it's a pretty liberal state, and the hipsters here are kind of like the coffee shops. they're everywhere. i can finally wear my hipster shoes and not feel like a dork. there are also a lot of hippies and everyone knows i like to pretend i'm a kind of a hippie, while hiding my dr pepper in my pantry. but no seriously -- i'm giving up soda this year. for real this time.

christmas pictures to come! until then, enjoy this chocolate wine. oh yes.

annual reflections

2011-12-24T01:45:00.000-06:00

every christmas, i start reflecting on what christmas is about, without even meaning to or hardly realizing it. i think in the midst of feeling the "christmas spirit" i have to remind myself what it is all about, because it is truly about something that outweighs everything else in history. the other day, i was holding austen, and thinking of what it must have been for mary to hold tiny jesus. to love him as much as she did. and, like most mothers, to want to protect him with every fiber of her being, while knowing that he was going to be the sacrifice for the world. could she even fathom it? how much did she know? what was it like, loving her child, knowing that he was both god and man, and that he would die before she would? i came across this from donald miller's blog, and just loved it:

I can't think of a better way for God to enter the world than as an infant. He became on of his creation, for the sake of his creation. For a period in world history mankind changed the diapers of God. He nursed at his creations breast. How disarming of him. What a fantastic way to build a bridge between an infinite God and finite man. He depended on us for food and shelter and even life. He gave up power and control in an effort to love and rescue.

wordless wednesday: i force my kids to pose for header shots

2011-12-14T08:00:00.000-06:00

picture perfect

2011-12-10T16:28:00.001-06:00

i wish i could say i have been snapping pictures like you wouldn't believe, capturing every little moment as it happens in this new city, and have tons of beautiful photos to share with you, but to be honest i just haven't had time. oh, i have plans. i have visions. but they don't always pan out.

this morning austen and i woke up before john and river. i made my way through our icy living room, started a pot of coffee, washed the dishes, and gave sleepy austen a bath. i just love cold mornings, especially when coffee is involved. it was nice and quiet and my little girl woke up deliciously cozy and squishy. the boys woke up shortly after i got her dressed and i flipped through my cookbook, thinking it would be nice to bake something warm for breakfast. i got my camera out to take pretty pictures of river helping me stir the batter in his footsie PJs, and maybe later, a photo of my coffee in the pretty little owl mug i picked up at goodwill for 30 cents, with a slice of steamy gingerbread sitting on a plate nearby. but then life took over and i realized halfway through the recipe we didn't have ginger or baking soda, so my "ginger" bread turned out totally weird, then i got into an argument with john because i said something passive aggressive, and then i yelled at river because he kept doing things like throwing the balls of yarn and making them trail through the living room, and then i spent the rest of the morning cleaning out crappy diapers from the last four days because we just got the sprayer hooked up last night.

i love the little things in life that make it enjoyable, but sometimes being a mom means that my life is probably the most unpoetic thing you can imagine. i mean, i'm pretty sure no one wants to see photos of me cleaning out poopy diapers over the toilet. but i can tell you that for all of those little poetic moments that do happen, i am glad i've taken my camera out. because i remember every. single. moment. i can look at any photo i've taken from the last two years and tell you exactly what was going on, why that was happening, how i was feeling. i wouldn't remember half those things if i hadn't had my camera with me.

i expect tonight to be completely poetic though, because we are all driving over to my parent's house (did i just say that? yes i did!) to eat nachos and drink hot cocoa and decorate the christmas tree and watch a christmas movie. i will take photos and i will post them and they will not show the little brother-sister bickering that happens in between the cookie decorating, or any poopy blowouts for which movies must be paused, or the glares between spouses when a situation with the bratty child is handled the wrong way, but such is life and -- this is coming from someone who does not handle stress well -- i'm loving every minute of it. :)

between snow covered mountains - texas to utah

2011-12-08T12:32:00.001-06:00

here are photos of john's drive from texas to utah. part of me wishes i could have gone with him to see the scenery. i've been in the car going northeast plenty of times, but i've never driven west.. it looks beautiful!

hello olympia!

2011-12-03T00:29:00.001-06:00

we are here. we may not have a table, chairs, mattress, couch, dresser, or coffee table, but we are here. this has been a long-awaited change. i keep saying, i can't believe we made it! i can't believe this is my new city. i keep thinking we are flying back to texas in a few days, but no... this is our new home. it's exciting and makes me a little nervous at the same time. leaving san antonio made me realize what amazing friends we were leaving behind. our friends matt & amy stayed one night until two o'clock in the morning, helping us clean and take stuff to the dump. our friends kim & josiah took river to spend the night the last night we were in town, so that we could finish up the last details of moving. and my dear friend irene flew with me to seattle to help out with the babies. there were many other people who were involved in some way during our last days in texas, and i am so grateful for all of them. i only hope we can find such amazing, loving people in olympia!

our plane ride was easy, considering. i honestly don't know what i would have done without irene. she took time out from her schedule, her life, to bear eight hours of airports and airplanes and a slobbery baby and a tired two-year-old, just to make our trip to washington a little (no... a LOT) easier. she was the extra pair of hands and patience i needed. river and austen were surprisingly easy the whole day. i'm lucky that austen is as easy as she is. and river sat in his carseat, buckled into the plane seat, nearly the entire time. the day was long, but at the same time, seemed to fly by. everything went smoothly and before we knew it, we were in washington! irene took a photo of our get-up: two adults, two babies, four suitcases, four bags, and two carseats. it was pretty ridiculous.

i wish i could say things are going as smoothly for john. he has been on the road for four days now, and as i type this, he is stuck in echo, utah with a flat. it's been quite a journey for him so far. he is only able to go about 50 miles per hour with the trailer attached to the car, and he's already been towed twice, stuck in wyoming in a snow storm, and hurt his ankle. i'm glad our dog is there to keep him company... not that he's much help, but it's better than being completely alone. i won't be able to breathe until he gets here. please keep him in your prayers if you think about it. he still has about 850 miles to go.

tomorrow i am signing the lease and putting the deposit down for our apartment, but we're waiting to move in whenever john arrives... you know, since i don't have transportation and the only thing in the house would be clothes. i have a lot of thoughts about this move, and i know it's going to take a while to get settled, emotionally and physically, and make this newness feel like normal life. we're going to be perusing goodwill and craigslist for cheap furniture and hopefully a little paint, scrapbook paper and mod podge will make things feel homey. olympia is a beautiful city... it's been cloudy and foggy since we arrived, but today it's been sunny and the skies are so blue. the sun starts setting around four, and it is dark by 5:00; that is going to take some getting used to. last night as the sun was setting, i was out shopping with my sister for christmas gifts, and i could see mount rainier from the michael's parking lot, its pink, snowy top peaking from in between the tall pines that are everywhere. it's so different from san antonio! i can't wait until my camera arrives with john and all our other stuff, and i can start taking photos of everything. including my babies in their new christmas socks. :)

goodbye san antonio!

2011-11-29T22:21:00.001-06:00

this morning in between packing, cleaning, breakfast, yo gabba gabba, and laundry, i took a few pictures of the babies... austen was in such a smiley mood and this was the first time i dressed her to impress. normally she's in a simple onesie, but it's been cool and she needed layers. she's outgrown most of her newborn clothes, so i pulled some out that i didn't think i'd need for at least a couple weeks, and put her in a headband with a big flower. what is it about big flower headbands that make little baby girls so irresistible? she's like having a little doll. dressing a girl is just way more fun than dressing a boy.

tomorrow morning we are boarding the plane to seattle! this is the last time i'll be writing from texas, and these are the last photos taken of my little texans. next time we bring out the camera, we'll be settled in our new apartment in olympia. i'm beyond excited.

wordless wednesday: bubbles

2011-11-23T20:33:00.001-06:00

my family is out to get me

2011-11-22T06:26:00.001-06:00

7:00 pm - river is asleep. score!

10:00 pm - austen is asleep. i have such great kids! they are so sleepy and cooperative!

10:30 pm - life is good! i am watching a sappy movie on netflix and eating greasy nachos & a giant dr pepper that i will regret in a few hours, and it is great!

12:00 am - sappy movie watched with very little interruptions! something that is rarely accomplished these days. bedtime! this should assure me at least 8 hours of sleep! i'm gonna go snuggle with my two babies! i love co-sleeping!

3:00 am - austen wakes up to nurse, as expected. what a good little sleeper! five hours straight. i'm so proud! and five hours of sleep left for me! hooray, i love sleep!

4:30 am - just kidding, okay 3.5 hours. that took a while. we nursed, wiggled, nursed, changed diaper, nursed, and wiggled some more. sometimes she gets restless, so i pull out the bouncer and put it next to our bed, and she will fall asleep pretty quickly. it's all good! time to finish my three and a half hours!

4:35 am - river's awake. really? i swear these kids time stuff like this perfectly. it's kind of funny actually.

5:00 am - what time is it? oh. i've been awake for two hours. eh, that's not bad i guess, compared to the five hour pattern austen had those first few days. keeping a positive attitude! as long as river stops kicking me in the stomach. and digging his chin in my shoulder blade. and putting his feet in my hair.

5:05 am - patience, whitney. patience. repeat: i write my own story. i create river's memories. do i want river to remember how mommy freaked out because she couldn't sleep? i'm going to be a sweet, patient mommy! i can do this! just listen to how he says, "yuh you, mommy." it's so cute! even at five in the morning. maybe.

5:15 am - river is thirsty. i know how that feels, to wake up in the middle of the night and be dying of thirst. even though i am tired and so over this, i'll be a good mommy and get up to get him some water.

5:20 am - river is thirsty, again. another cup of water, no big deal, right?

5:25 am - river is still thirsty. seriously, kid? freaking go to sleep. i don't care if you're dying from thirst. you can have water when you wake up in the morning. if you ever fall asleep.

5:35 am - my patience is worn. i can only say "keep your hands to yourself" and "please scoot over" so many times without going insane. child, you have been awake for an hour, PLEASE GO TO SLEEP.

5:45 am - what was i talking about? this was funny, like, never.

5:50 am - the effing sun is coming up! i should not be awake to witness this! i should be very asleep!

6:00 am - oh my goodness, they are both asleep.

6:05 am - no austen, please... please, stay asleep. *bounce bounce shh shh bounce bounce* (baby magic.)

6:10 am - finally, i am falling asleep. this is so nice. did i mention i love sleep? suddenly, i am jolted from my half-sleep and given a mini heart attack when i hear from the other side of the bed: SNORT. cool, john's snoring.

6:12 am - SNORT. oh god, why is that always so scary when you're half-asleep?

6:13 am - SNORT. i swear to bob if you do not quit snoring i am going to smack you.

6:15 am - SNORT. john gets smacked on the arm and i give him one of those threatening, yelling-whispers, "you're snoring! shut up!" like he can control it. because when i'm really tired, i get really illogical and bitchy.

6:25 am - finally. everyone is quiet. everyone is still. sure, i only get an hour and a half left of sleep, but that's better than nothing. i mean, i can forget a nap today. napping with two kids is impossible.

6:30 am - austen wakes up to nurse. my children, they hate me.

7:00 am - i put sleepy austen in her swing and run to the bedroom to get her burp rag. john and river are sleeping so peacefully. how rude. at least i can use tonight against them at some point during the day. maybe if john and i get into an argument, i can sigh sadly and say, "i'm sorry. it's just that... i've been awake since three and i only got three hours of sleep. being a mom is just ... so tough..." or if river gets grumpy in the afternoon i can be all, "you know, i think i'm going to go the bookstore with austen for a couple hours. i didn't get a lot of sleep last night, but i know the kids aren't going to let me nap and i kinda need a break." yeah, that's it, use it to my advantage.

good morning, everyone!

busy

2011-11-18T13:35:00.001-06:00

normally when i say i'm busy, it's because i haven't called someone back, and what i really mean is "i'm just a really poor manager of my time and when i have to take care of two babies all day, during the fleeting moments they happen to be asleep at the same time, i'd much rather sit in front of the tv watching desperate housewives eating a big bowl of ice cream than make small talk on the phone, which is why i make sure it stays in the bedroom all day and i don't hear it ring so i don't have to answer it and then when someone asks why i haven't called them back i say, 'oh, i haven't had my phone on me all day, i've just been so busy, i'm sorry!'"

i know. i know.

but lately we really have been busy! which is why i haven't been updating the blog as often as i'd like. we are leaving for washington in just 12 days and are having a huge garage sale this weekend so we are packing and organizing like crazy. business has also been great this month... since we're moving a lot of people are booking photosessions like they are going out of style. john and i keep joking around that this was a great business move. just pretend you are moving out the state and everyone will flock to cram their last-minute session in before you, ahem, "leave" ... juuuust kidding. ;) so on top of all the fun stuff that goes along with moving across the country, we have been dedicating hours to editing hundreds of photos.

so i'm just popping my head in to say i'm still alive, and we are for sure moving to washington! once we settle in, i'll be writing more frequently about our new city... i can't wait!! i've been coming up with all these things i can't wait to do once we move. i just texted my mom last night that, oh em gee, we can do our GROCERY SHOPPING TOGETHER!

i'm really excited.

here are a few photos from a session we had yesterday with a dear friend of ours and her sweet daughter... we are going to miss these girls.

one month

2011-11-13T22:19:00.001-06:00

today my tiny girl turned one month old. i can't believe it. i've had her for one-twelfth of a year. for one-third of the "fourth trimester." the past week she has changed dramatically, from a sleepy newborn to an alert little baby girl who is discovering the use of her muscles and doesn't sleep nearly as much as i wish she would when i am trying to do the laundry. :) i constantly have to remind myself to take my time and drink in every moment with her. i guess it's easier this time around to forget to do that, in the middle of having a two-year-old and keeping up with the house, and on top of all that, moving to another part of the country. multiple times a day, though, i do find myself just staring at her in all her loveliness. i know it passes so quickly. everyone told me that with river, and it wasn't until he was six months old in the blink of an eye that i realized how true it was. many times since austen was born, i've thought, can it just stay this way forever? can my baby girl stay tiny, and can my little boy stay a toddler? do they have to grow up? i do look forward to their different phases of life and i know every age brings completely beautiful and unique and adorable things.

we saw a lot of family and she got to meet her great-grandpa al and great-grandma liche, john's grandparents, for the first time. it was quite a busy day. it's times like these that make me a little teary-eyed about moving. i so badly want change, a cooler climate, and to live near my mom, but we do have so many people that we love here.

my little brother used to make the same cheesy face at this age when we'd tell him to smile for a picture.

austen celebrated turning a month old by smiling at me today. i had just finished changing her diaper and she was lying there with her big eyes wide open and a little pleasant look on her face, and i thought maybe i could coax a smile out of her. she'd already smiled at her daddy and her aunt rosie. i was so lucky to see that beautiful smile! i'll remember forever! it was a real smile too. river's first smile at me was in my general direction, but it was more of a contended smile. he was a very happy baby. this smile was all, hey, you're my mom! love. plus, i know it was genuine because she very quickly went back to being a little grump after i buttoned her onesie up. ;)

wordless wednesday: peekaboo

2011-11-09T11:40:00.001-06:00

mama highlight - elise: to cry, or not to cry?

2011-11-07T09:30:00.000-06:00

this guest post is by my friend elise. you can check out her blog and adventures in cloth diapering, mothering and more at revolutionary mommy. i'm know many young mamas can relate to caring for a high-needs infant and trying to incorporate attachment parenting, while juggling the rest of what life brings day to day!

i heart boys. girls scare me. boys aren't dramatic, they don't whine about everything, they can walk it off when they get hurt... they don't get pregnant. these are all real concerns for me when i think about raising a girl. i'm sure i will end up with a girl at some point, but i don't have one right now, and if i play my cards right (ya, like i have control...), she will have a handful of big brothers to keep an eye on her.

anyhow, my first is 6 years old. he is such a great kid. easy-going, independent, and loves the indoors (a huge plus for me).

my second is 4 months old. he is super cute, still nursing, and... extremely needy. and still nursing. by still nursing, i mean like right at this moment after nursing like every hour. he just started dabbling his toes in the world of bananas and avocados, so, hopefully, that will curb the buffet attendance some. yes, i'm feeding my baby food before he's 6 months old. if that concerns you, please see the sentence where i mentioned that he nurses like every hour. he's jealous of my food-food when i eat. it was time. and he only eats food-food after he's already nursed for that session.

like i said, he's really cute. really. especially when he isn't crying, which is all the time. all. he just cries and cries and cries. i hold him practically all day long. and he eats all day long. people keep telling me he's colicky. that's what they tell you when they don't know what's wrong.

well, i know what's wrong and it isn't colic. my first was so easy. he literally could hang out in his bouncer all day long and only be out long enough to eat or get a clean diaper. yes, that happened sometimes. i only breastfed for 6 weeks, i was not an attachment-parenter, i didn't use cloth diapers, and i never wore my baby, except when my mom drug my husband, my baby, and i to natural bridge caverns 4 days post birth (which was induced because i was dilated, but not in labor). yes, i was young. don't judge. that was the pre-hippy me and i have been reborn with rockin' green cloth diaper detergent to clean off all my woes. i could put him on the floor with his toys and a battery-less remote and he could play by himself all day long. so. easy.

now, i cloth diaper, i intend to nurse for like ever, and i wear my baby pretty much every day. my baby chose for me to wear him because i can't put him down. ever. so, if i intend to be productive ever, i have to wear him. he cries while i'm wearing him, he cries while i'm playing with him, and sometimes, he cries while i'm nursing him. he just cries. and cries and cries and cries. and then, he just stops. like nothing ever happened. he isn't gassy, constipated, or teething. he likes his environment to be changed somewhere around every 5 minutes. he likes to be held and looked at constantly. and he likes immediate response. when he cries, he expects you to fix it right at that exact second. in fact, you should have already known he was going to cry and fixed it ahead of time.

people ask me what's wrong with him all the time. nothing. nothing is wrong with him. he's a baby and he just wants to be mad or happy or pee or eat or play, or eat, or eat. people say he must be hungry. you'd think i was starving him by how many times i hear that. he isn't hungry. i just fed him, literally, right before you said that. he likes to suck on things like his hands and people's necks. that means he's hungry. except what it really means is that he likes to put things in his mouth and i better watch out when he's mobile.

so when people ask me why he's crying, i say it's because he's a baby and he does that. sometimes, i think he really just likes to. trust me, he gets really great, constant hands-on care all day long, every day. i am a stay-at-home homeschooling mom, so what else do i ever have to do except pay attention to my kids.

sometimes it isn't colic, whatever that really even is. sometimes, it's just a reeaaaallllly needy baby who will eventually get over himself (hopefully) and join the rest of society in moderate to great happiness.so the answer is to cry... almost always.

an outing

2011-11-05T09:30:00.000-05:00

don't let them fool you. they're not as harmless as they look.

i wanted to call this post "surviving the adventure of leaving the house for the first time with a two year old and a two-week-old by myself," but that was too long, so "an outing" is about all the info you'll get from the title. quite an adventure it was, and i think it will probably be a long time before i ~~am forced~~ decide to leave the house with two babies by myself again. we met friends for breakfast and took a trip to a little pumpkin patch last saturday, stopping for ice cream on the way home. here are some things i thought important to remember for next time. if there is a next time.

with two, you'd think it would take twice as long to do something. you'd be surprised to discover it actually doesn't. it takes about ten times as long.
so, if you are sitting on the couch unshowered and undressed, with the toddler in his highchair, covered in oatmeal and still in his stinky night-time diaper, don't tell someone you will try to leave the house in twenty minutes to meet them somewhere for breakfast. it may have been just slightly unrealistic, yet still possible, with just one. not anymore. not in the least.
even though you were able to just grab a couple diapers and wipes and stuff them in your purse in a hurry a couple weeks ago, you can't do that now. you will need a bottomless diaper bag. unfortunately, no one makes those yet.
while driving, you will take every mistake other drivers make as a personal offence. you will react by yelling I HAVE A NEWBORN BABY IN THE CAR DAMNIT even when people just change lanes without putting their blinker on.
during breakfast, your state of mind will permanently be: distracted. you will be unable to hold an adult conversation. you may only be able to reply with head-nods and appropriately placed laughs. a sentence longer than three words may not leave your mouth unless that sentence is something along the lines of, "please don't throw food across the table." your thoughts will mainly be focused on the toddler and infant present and will be similar to the following: don't stick your whole hand in your mouth. please stop fussing. don't spill your water in your lap. no, you don't need another napkin. do i really need to nurse you here? you do not need to remove your shoes. stop poking your friend with your fork. shh, shh, shh, bounce, bounce, bounce. you need to nurse again? really? i just nursed you five minutes ago. crap, why are you pooping now? couldn't you have pooped at home? why does this diaper bag have to be so damn heavy.
you can't jiggle the infant seat to calm the upset infant and drive at the same time.
park = good. toddler will run around, excited to be outdoors, infant will sleep in sling. it will get hot. you won't care.
public bathroom = bad. two in diapers = also bad. don't even bother trying to use the restroom yourself. just get in and get out as quickly as possible. oh, and toddler will choose this moment to crawl on the floor. the disgusting bathroom floor.
stopping for a shake on the way home is just an all-around bad idea. i know it sounds sweet and fun, but it won't be. just don't do it.
at some point, when you have your wallet in one hand and loose cash in the other, the baby is crying and squirming hungrily in the sling, your cell phone is ringing, and the heavy diaper bag is falling off your shoulder, your toddler will make a mad dash to the opposite end of the restaurant.
a lot of people will stare at you when you are carrying a newborn, because newborns are cute and tiny.
they will stare more if the newborn is screaming her head off.
many people staring at you are feeling sorry for you. you will feel their eyes on the back of your head like lasers.
everything will look gross and full of germs. all you will be able to think about is your two-week-old's vulnerable immune system and wonder if you are a terrible mother for stopping for a shake and pray that she doesn't pick up some horrible disease.
things that bothered you before... well, they still bother you, you just won't be able to do anything about it. at some point, you will just sit there and blink while your child does something horrid, like eat a french fry off the floor or puts both his hands in another child's pair of shoes. up to that point you will feel hopeless and overwhelmed, but when this event occurs, you will feel strangely accepting and slightly apathetic.
something petty that used to matter to you, like finishing the rest of the shake (which is delicious, by the way), won't matter anymore. you will throw away the shake because you need both your hands. you will mourn your delicious shake, but again... there's really nothing you can do about it.
don't worry, you'll make it home just before you run out of gas.
when you open the door to your home and drop the diaper bag to the floor and sit your toddler down in front of the tv and plop in the chair in front of the computer to nurse the infant you will feel like you just achieved the greatest feat known to woman, short of giving birth.

three weeks and all is well

2011-11-03T09:30:00.000-05:00

people keep asking me how things are going with two, since i did write a minor freak-out post about how hard things were and how at one point i decided i didn't want two babies after all. after those first few nights, things really settled down. it's been interesting getting to know austen's patterns and disposition. river was a pretty easy baby, very active, very laid back, very strong, very alert. from the time he was born until he was about a year old, strangers always thought he was two months older than he was, because he was so bright-eyed and strong. he lifted himself off his chest at ten days old (i swear! i have video! and witnesses!), and was walking at nine months. despite being an easy going infant, he would nurse all day, and that was stressful at times. we're talking at least every hour, if not more. he would take a couple two-hour naps during the day, but the rest of the day he would snooze and nurse, snooze and nurse. and at night, he woke up nearly every hour to nurse at night, too. i couldn't take him off the boob and sooth him to sleep. he never, ever, ever fell asleep without nursing.

okay, i lie, he did. once:

river fell asleep by himself for the first time at 7.5 weeks. i was cooking dinner and realized he had been quiet, so i poked my head around the wall to peep at him, and found him sleeping. i was so shocked, i took a picture to remember the day forever.

austen is three weeks old today (whaaat...), and i know this is around the time when colic usually rears its ugly head, but so far she is proving to be quite a content baby as well. but there are two differences between she and her brother, though. she sleeps, and she can fall asleep without nursing. this is huge. i was so over nursing constantly, and really tired of having to nurse river to sleep any time i wanted him asleep. this girl actually stops nursing when she's full -- something river never did. it's so cute. she'll just pull off and sigh contentedly and smack her little lips, and then just lie there with her eyes wide open. thanks mom, that was great. i'm good now. it's 'cause she's a girl. she's a dainty eater. she's dainty everything, compared to river. i feel like she's more of a newborn than river was. she sleeps.. a lot... and isn't even close to lifting herself off her chest!

my sweet three-week-old princess.

she's already learned the bed means sleep. she will be restless and discontent and uninterested in nursing, but as soon as i take her to the bed and nurse her a bit, she will completely settle down. i will be able to take her off the breast and she'll quickly fall asleep just lying next to me. she only wakes up two or three times to nurse at night -- the other night she slept for five and a half hours straight! river never did that, either. geez, i feel really lucky. she does like to be held almost all the time. while she will fall asleep well without nursing if she is tired, if she's wide awake, she must be held. and she's already learned the difference between me and others. sometimes, she just wants mama. yeah, i admit it, i kinda like it. :) so anyway, there's an update. don't worry, i don't want to give my daughter away and i haven't spent any more sleepless nights crying with two crying babies.

on another note, hey, it's november! which means just a month until we move! and two months until christmas! i saw my first christmas commercial of the season yesterday. it was very exciting. i do not help the anti-consumerist movement during the holidays at all. i mean, not that i "consume" a lot (unless we're talking about cookies), but... i'm making a point to teach river what a christmas tree is -- sorry, mama loves christmas. should i put my holiday playlist up on the blog yet?!

wordless wednesday: sleeping beauty

2011-11-02T09:30:00.000-05:00

river's room makeover

2011-10-31T23:56:00.000-05:00

i have finally finished river's room!

just kidding. actually, this is how river's room looked a couple months ago after a few little friends came to visit, and then before i cleaned it up about three weeks later. yes, three weeks. i took this picture for a friend because we were comparing messy houses to make each other feel better. the following pictures are two days later, when i decided it might be a good idea to make it a livable, sleepable space.

the yellow dresser got a makeover! remember how it looked before? i love it! it's really a gift from my friend irene, because she actually bought the handles and paint to redo it. thanks to her, it looks adorable and modern.

i've been wanting this ikea moose since i saw it three years ago. found it at a thrift store for $18. river loves it and now thinks horses and cows are moose, too. (for instance, last night at the halloween church party? forget pony rides. that was a moose, y'all.)

from left to right -- vintage books, a giant R for guesswhat, stacking cubes, adorable elephant bank river got from a dear friend before he was born, a book wagon and a couple handmade stuffed animals (the red chicken was made by my friend amy over at maker mama), and my mom's fischer price school house from when she was itty bitty.

the dresser was plain black before. way too dark for the space, especially after we painted the walls. rather than sanding it down and painting it, i just bought scrapbook paper and mod-podged it up. it cost about $20 total (i went through an entire tub of mod podge) and i love how it turned out! it's easy to wipe down and so far it has held up wonderfully to river and his fellow toddlers.

this has got to be the cheapest, cutest art to put together. i love how embroidery art looks. for the fabric and hoops (some of which i already had on hand), this cost about $10 total.

a tiny shelf john made a few years ago which was actually a "soap box" prop for something we did. perfect for all his prefolds.

you may remember the before pictures... there definitely wasn't much to this room before i started. i love it now... i'm so happy with how it turned out! it really is too bad that we are now moving and therefore, i won't be able to enjoy it anymore. this is the closest i've ever come to completely decorating a room in our house before. the only thing left to do is the baseboards. yep, we've been living here for eleven months and the baseboards aren't done. that's how we roll. and i still wish i had a little white rug in the center -- i think that would make it more cozy and add some brightness in contrast to the dark walls and floors. of course, once we move i can remake his room. and then maybe i'll get a white rug.

new

2011-10-25T21:53:00.000-05:00

twelve days old today, and nine pounds, three ounces -- an entire pound up from her birth weight!

looking down at this tiny girl against my chest, stroking her silky head full of hair, listening to her soft noises as she sleeps... the same thoughts go through my head as they did with river, when he was so fresh and new: i can't believe this is mine. this is the baby that was wiggling and kicking and dancing inside me (keeping me up at all hours of the night before she was even born)? just a week and a few days ago... this was the little person that had been growing in my body, from a tiny life, to the wet, screaming, breathing baby i held in my arms the moment she was born? i mean, technically, i could still be pregnant with her. she could still be inside me. that's how new she is. the reality almost can't even be grasped. what a beautiful little life.

the way she depends on me, the way she relaxes against me, the way she is nourished at my breast... getting to know her personality, her patterns, her differences from my first baby... noting every facial expression, every little smile and grimace and pout... reminding myself to store in my memory every passing characteristic of this newborn... how her fists curl, how her tiny toes spread, how light-as-feathers her little arms and legs are... i am loving every moment. i cherish this newness, but i also look forward to watching her grow and change. i remember how sweet each stage was with river. watching your own children grow is just incredible. how they just blossom, and how fun it is to watch them learn about the world around them. and how sweet it is when you realize they've fallen in love with you, too.

tots bots & honey chunks giveaway from happy baby company

2011-10-22T09:30:00.000-05:00

let me introduce you to one of my favorite cloth diaper resources: happy baby company! many, many moons ago (back in january) i carefully prepared and packed all our diapers to fly with us on a trip to pennsylvania (they got their own suitcase), determined to only use cloth on the two-week long trip to my parents' house. all was well until it was time to do the first load of dirty diapers, when i realized i did not pack our trusty rockin' green! so i turned to trusty google and looked up "cloth diaper store" in the area, and was lucky to find one of the only stores within a three-state radius, right there in pittsburgh: happy baby company. what luck! we called to see if they had any rockin' green in stock (they did) and they told us they could have it shipped to the house that afternoon and there by tomorrow. i decided it would be much more fun to take a trip to the actual store and see all the cute fluff up close and personal.

immediately when we walked in, we were greeted by the cuteness of the place. hello, festive diaper garland hanging in the window, brights shelves full of dozens of brands of diapers, and a cute tot pushing her mini shopping cart around the store. i was very impressed by the selection of natural parenting products the store had in stock -- everything from cloth diapers, diaper-friendly detergent, baby care products like amber jewelry and diaper rash cream, baby wraps and carriers, natural and organic toys, and many locally hand-made items as well.

lilly and adam were so helpful and personable! they were great about letting us take our time; we walked around for probably 45 minutes, and they answered any questions we had about their products. river played with the toys in a little play room they had in the back, and they gave us mugs of coffee to warm us up (it was freezing outside).

i am super excited about this giveaway, because the diaper they gave me to review has become one of my favorites! i love tots bots easy fit and have since purchased two more to add to our stash. i would buy one in every color and print if i could afford it. this diaper is great for so many reasons. first of all, it's sort of a cross between a pocket and an all-in-one. the insert is attached to the diaper and stuffs into a pocket. which means you don't have to remove the insert before putting it in the wash! that is the one downside to pocket diapers, having to fish the stinky insert out of the shell with two fingers, trying not to touch too much of the messy diaper in the process -- blech. the easy fit diaper can just be thrown into the wash as is, and the insert shakes out on its own during the agitation of the wash. it also makes adding absorbency a breeze, unlike with most all-in-one diapers. if you need another layer for overnight or a long car ride, you just stuff another insert into the pocket opening. and because the absorbent part isn't sewn into the diaper, like your average AIO, the diaper dries faster. this is great for us, because we line-dry all our diapers. besides being practical and super easy to use, this diaper is just adorable. check it:

originally i bought both of these with austen in mind when i was pregnant, but the tutti frutti print has become river's favorite to wear. he will run to get his "apple diapuh" whenever it's clean. and the flower power print is my favorite print in our stash. it's so bright and cheery! of course, a great thing about this diaper is that it's a one-size, which generally means fitting 8 to 35 pounds. here is the diaper on my 8-pound ten day old, and on my 29-pound two year old. it seems pretty big on austen, especially compared to disposables, but it fits well and is snug enough that i know leaky breastmilk poo isn't going to sneak out.

happy baby company also gave me honey chunks foaming wipe solution to try out. this stuff smells so delicious and i found that i liked using it a lot better than a spray solution. the foam comes out nice and thick and it only takes a pump or two to wet a cloth wipe. it makes wiping up a poopy butt a breeze!

i wish their storefront was located in my city and not miles away in pittsburgh. but for those of us who can't visit to look at all the cute diapers (i would probably be there every week), their website is cute and easy to navigate, and they have free shipping on orders over $35. so, the fun part: happy baby company is offering a tots bots easy fit all-in-one diaper and a bag of honey chunks foaming wipe solution to one lucky winner! check out this new, super easy way to enter the giveaway... saves so much time, i love it!

wordless wednesday: lovin' on little sister

2011-10-19T11:58:00.000-05:00

adjusting

2011-10-17T09:30:00.000-05:00

wow. this is HARD.

i remember when i was pregnant with river, everyone warned me about how difficult it would be. in our birthing from within class, we were told that adjusting to life with the new baby would be the new labyrinth that we would have to find our way through (if you've read the book or taken the class, you may know what i'm talking about ;). a couple people even told me i was going to wish i was still pregnant. that wasn't the case at all. river was an easy, content baby and those first few weeks were an absolute dream! everything about that fresh, new baby was wonderful. it took me almost a month to have my first breakdown. i looked around the house and questioned my ability to care for a three week old and a small apartment, i was sick of not being able to do anything and my body was not healing because even though i wasn't doing anything, i was still doing too much. i felt like i was going crazy. before that day though, it was smooth sailing, and the freakout was short lived.

not this time. freakout came on night number two. i got about an hour of sleep before austen decided to wake up and nurse for five hours. every time i'd lay down, put her down, or shift her position, she would wake up in protest. she refused her paci and only wanted the real deal. breastfeeding was painful thanks to postpartum hormones, and my uterus was contracting strongly with her nursing all night long. river woke up crying around hour four. we've been transitioning him to his bed for a couple weeks now, going in to sooth him back to sleep with a couple songs and holding his hand when he wakes up, but that night he wasn't having it. john tried for a while to get him back to sleep but river just wanted mama, and i couldn't bear to hear my sweet boy crying for me from the other room. all i could think was "he's going to think i don't love him! he's going to think austen's taken his place! he's going to feel neglected!" so at five in the morning, i found myself sitting on the floor next to the big boy bed, nursing a restless two-day-old, singing monkey and puppy songs, holding a whimpering two-year-old's hand, occasionally leaning over for a "beeeeeeg huck," (big hug) and fighting back (and sometimes giving in to) overwhelmed tears of insanity and sleeplessness. i really did wish i was still pregnant. after about an hour of this, and then attempting to leave him in his room by himself to cry it out for about thirty minutes, i decided both of us would be much better off if we all just slept in the same bed. it was way too heartbreaking. anything was better than this.

the third night started off great but was bearable only up until a certain point. i got a blissful two hours of sleep before austen woke up and wanted to nurse all night. she takes the paci during the day just fine, but at night she just wants the comfort of mama's breasts. i was doing great by the second hour (this isn't too bad! it's expected, really...), third hour (okay, mama's getting kinda sleepy, little girl. don't you want to sleep?), the forth hour (are you serious? how can a newborn stay awake for so long), but by the fifth hour it started going downhill. by that time it was about six thirty in the morning and john had to get up soon to lead worship, and river decided it was time to get up, too. while john was in the shower, river shuffled out of bed and i laid with austen (who finally decided it was time to sleep), exhausted, but knowing that i needed to follow him so he wouldn't get into mischief. it was a few minutes later when i heard a cough and retching sound in the hallway.

oh. my. god. NO!

expecting the worst, i called his name and asked him if he was okay. immediately, he started crying. "mama! river spit!" which, in toddler language, means, "hey mom, i just disposed of the contents of my stomach in the hallway!" i had no idea what i was going to do. here i was, recovering from birth and on two hours of sleep, my husband about to leave us for a couple hours, with a toddler who's throwing up and a newborn with no immune system. great timing. okay, if it sounds like i'm complaining a lot and i felt sorry for myself... well, you're right. long story short, by the grace of god, river and austen fell asleep right before john left and i was able to sleep the entire time, as well. river never threw up again and acted perfectly normal all day, so i'm guessing it was just a case of, "let's see how far i can stick my fingers down my throat."

the nights are difficult. much more difficult than it was with river. the days get better as they progress into the afternoon, and i guess we'll just have to deal with these long nights for the next few weeks. having a newborn with a toddler is very different. i expected it to be difficult, very difficult, but i don't think anyone could have prepared me for this. and it's especially hard to stay off my feet when i'm feeling fine. i'm getting tired of asking john for everything -- can you get me some water? can you fetch me that burp cloth? can you turn the light off? i guess i should just enjoy being waited on hand and foot, because it's not going to last for long. :)

with the first, everything is so magical. "babymoon" is the perfect word for it. you are just dancing on the clouds, so entirely smitten and absolutely in love. while these moments do exist and i am absolutely in love with this little girl, i am accepting that not every moment with this new one is going to be magical. at times it's going to be really tough, but i'm trying to take in each and every moment, remembering that they pass entirely too quickly. they are only so tiny for so long. i am lucky that river seems to really like his little sister. he is so loving, and as gentle as a clumsy toddler can be, and gives her soft kisses and laughs at her little squeaks and sighs. this is a new layer of sweetness that we didn't have with the first, of course -- watching big brother and baby sister together. our two children, our absolutely perfect, precious gifts from god.

oh, and she has a dimple on her left cheek when she smiles in her sleep. how dreamy is that?
answer: very dreamy. she's gonna be a heartbreaker.

she's here

2011-10-15T20:32:00.000-05:00

austen rose

born october 13th, 2011

at 9:26 am

8 lbs. 3 oz.

21 inches long

she was born in the kitchen after two and a half hours of labor, an incredibly fast, painful, but JOYFUL birth. i'll be posting her birth story soon. if i get around to writing it in the middle of the hustle and bustle of caring for a newborn and a toddler. :)

ready

2011-10-13T08:00:00.000-05:00

the past few days, as i have been steadily nearing my due date, i've gone through various emotional phases of preparing to give birth.

the first stage was can we just get this over with? physically, it just sort of hit me. i had to go through two, three, maybe even four more weeks of this? my ribs feel bruised, my back hurts, my abdomen is heavy, achy, tight, and stretched to the max, i can't breathe... i could go on. i just don't remember being this uncomfortable toward the end of my pregnancy with river. i wished desperately to curl up in a ball and touch my knees to my chest to offer my back some relief, but um... i couldn't. because there is a watermelon separating my knees from my chest. all i could do to try and help the nagging pain is the cat yoga pose (you can only arch your back so much with an attached watermelon). oh, what would i give for an hour-long massage session. yesyesyes, that's all i want! gimme, and i will never complain again!

then i realized, yes, i am very close... and as tired of being pregnant as i am, these are the last days i have with my kid as just river and mommy. i even took a little computer break, because i felt that i was way too preoccupied and lazy, and i kept thinking that my sweet boy was going to be thrown into this new world of mommy and river and baby, and i felt like he really deserved my time and full attention during these last few weeks. i was off of the internet for two days, completely, and then slowly allowed myself to peek into facebook and my email and such. i found that with less of my time spent reading articles, browsing pinterest and commenting on friends' facebook statuses, my house stayed neater as well... because at 10:30 when i would normally be sitting with my ass glued to the chair and my eyes glued to the screen, i was actually washing dishes. and vacuuming. and retrieving toys and such out from under the coffee table. it might also have to do with the fact that i am nesting like crazy, something that definitely did not happen late in my pregnancy with river. i am a much nicer mommy when i am off the computer and my house is clean. and river is a much nicer toddler when i am a nice mommy. who knew the presence of a comfortable distraction could cause so much stress? i need another computer break, ideally until the baby arrives.

and then one day, it was of pure annoyance. i was in a bad mood and simply did not feel like going into labor. i was having lots of contractions, and kept saying to myself, i BETTER not go into labor because i just do NOT want to have to deal with that today and i don't FEEL like taking care of a newborn right now because i am just TOO STRESSED. the mere thought of having to be calm and loose and create a serene environment was awful. i didn't want to breathe through contractions. i wanted to punch a pillow.

the next stage was fear. i can't really wrap my mind around how close i am to giving birth to this baby, and it was sort of freaking me out. when i say i was never nervous or afraid of giving birth to river, i'm 100% for serious. if ever i felt a little twinge of fear, i'd just go watch youtube homebirth videos or read some ina may, and my confidence was renewed. when people asked me if i was scared or nervous, i truthfully told them nope. this time, not so much. it seems silly too, since i had a great birth with river and twenty minutes after giving birth i was saying, "i'd much rather do that again than go through morning sickness." but for some reason, last week, i'd start to think of giving birth, i'd remember how tough it was, to say the least, how painful and how much work it was, and i'd get butterflies in my baby-squished stomach. i started wondering if i could handle it again.

but i'm past that. the final stage is readiness. at least, i hope this is the final stage. a few nights ago, contractions woke me up multiple times. crampy, but not too painful, yet more intense than the regular (still intense) braxton hicks. at around seven in the morning, on four hours of sleep, i woke up and couldn't fall back to sleep because the contractions were that strong. after an hour of this, i texted two out-of-town friends who are planning on coming to the birth and gave them a heads up, saying i didn't really think it was time, but just in case. i was feeling excited and completely at peace. i could feel the pressure deep down, and i prayed that god would help my body open, and that today would be the day. i decided if i really was going into labor, i might as well get up and make myself a good breakfast, since i'd need the energy later. but after i got up, i only had two more contractions before they stopped completely.

so, that's where i stand now. i still freak out a little bit, but that's only when i look around the house and see how messy it is and tell myself i need to finish cleaning it before the baby arrives. but other than that... i'm ready. tomorrow i will be 40 weeks along. this morning i had an appointment with my midwife, and i'm hoping the next time i see her is when she arrives at our home to help welcome our little girl to the world.

alisa and me.

wordless wednesday: cheers

2011-10-12T15:06:00.000-05:00

photosession: the jennings family

2011-10-10T09:30:00.000-05:00

ever met an incredibly happy family that is just crazy about each other? well here's one... seriously, this shoot was so much fun and this family is just so sweet! little claire is about the friendliest, most outgoing three year old i've met. she and river became instant friends and walked around in between shots, picking flowers and holding hands. i'm not kidding. i wish i'd gotten "behind the scenes" shots because it was pretty adorable.

loved this session.

very important pumpkin decisions

2011-10-08T11:52:00.001-05:00

two small pumpkins that river could actually carry were decided upon, and when it gets closer to halloween, we will get a carving pumpkin and roast some pumpkin seeds in the oven... yum. we still have halloween costumes to pick... yes, costume[s]. for my sister's first halloween, my mom bought a pair of white baby long johns, painted cow spots on them, hot-glued a little felt tail on the butt, and hot-glued felt ears on a plain white bonnet. it was so cute. i want to get something for the baby equally simple, i just haven't figured out what. we haven't decided what river will be either. i'd sort of forgotten for a while that halloween was coming up and that he needed a costume. i want to make him something this year rather than buying it, so... i guess i better get on that. he wore the same little pumpkin costume last year as he did his first halloween, and while i'm sure he could fit into it again, i don't want to pass up getting him something he'll really love this time, just because baby sister is coming -- you know, since he's actually old enough to understand and enjoy the holiday. we've gone through our most obvious options, things river loves: a monkey, a puppy, a banana (just kidding... he is really obsessed with bananas though).

halloweens of yore:

2009:

2010:

more photos of this halloween here.

mama highlight - hannah: spoiled

2011-10-05T14:11:00.000-05:00

hannah from like mama~like daughter is guest blogging for me today. i've heard a lot of people say attachment parenting produces "spoiled" children. this is such a sweet post from a mama doing what works for her and her family. thanks hannah, for putting it into perspective! all photos were sent to me by hannah to use for this post. :)

In the past year and a half that I have been a mama, it has been brought to my attention a few times that some people perceive things differently than I do. It all started last November, when my uncle was in to visit for Thanksgiving. I mentioned that Bunny, then seven months of age, slept with us (she still does today). He looked at me and said, "Oh, she is spoiled is she?"

What? Bunny spoiled? My perfect little baby girl? The thought had never crossed my mind that, though she was a bright, healthy and pleasant baby, she would be labeled "spoiled" simply for the way in which I parented. That by bed sharing, breastfeeding, wearing her close to me, feeding her healthy, preferably organic food, cloth diapering, and working at home to be with her, she would become described by a word as defined by Webster's dictionary to mean "rotten" and "foul."

As the months went by, I continued to attachment-parent and Bunny continued to thrive. She was just under 14 months old, when a friend asked, "You aren't still breastfeeding her, are you?" I was, and still am today. I don't plan on weaning her anytime soon. But why is this odd to people? Why is it shocking to see a mama do the best she can for her child?

Today, children are often looked upon as a nuisance. Something to be avoided at all cost. And when we do have them, we are cautioned not to let them change our lives. Well, I have news for you, true love changes your life. It always has and always will. My life changed when I fell in love with my husband, and as I find myself more and more lost in love with my child, I think back to the person I was before them. I do not even know that person sometimes. A weak, quiet, little girl is all that was there. I learned to stand up, when I realized that she would get knocked down otherwise. I learned to speak what my heart was telling me, because she had no voice of her own. I learned to do what is right for her, and THAT is what is right for me.

I am not saying that there is never a moment that I feel like I need a break (she probably needs a break from me too sometimes). I am saying that I love my child more than I ever thought possible. I don't mind letting her define me. She doesn't bother me when her limbs are sprawled out over me while we sleep. She doesn't bother me when I have to stop what I am doing to nurse her (though I have started telling her, "in a minute." if I am in the middle of something important). Actually, these are some of my favorite things about her. I wouldn't trade them for the world. She is already becoming very independent. There will be a time when we no longer do these things together. A time when she is grown. A time when I look back on these days with no regrets, only happy memories. So for now, I will just keep doing what I am doing.

Some people will call my child spoiled, but I call her, I call us (our little family), blessed. It is such a blessing to share this enchanted childhood together. To speak the same secret language, in whispers of I love you. To fall asleep, entangled in the people who love us the most. To dream of wonderful things, and awaken to live out those dreams. To know that when we have nothing else, we have each other. If all you need is love, then all I need is this. This is my happy ending. This is my happily ever after. And it's only just begun. Perhaps I am the one who should be called spoiled.

The face I wake up to every morning.

My 17 month old nursling. True love.

late summer photosession

2011-10-04T09:00:00.000-05:00

i love these warm, end-of-summer photos from a session we had a couple weeks ago. the dresses my friend amy picked for her girls are just perfect for these pictures, and the dress she's wearing... she designed and made for herself! it's so cute... i wish i was brave enough to attempt something like that!

ready for more adventures

2011-09-30T17:44:00.000-05:00

if you remember last year, my desperation to move, well, it has returned. not that it ever went away, but it was pretty clear that god wanted us to stick around for a bit (and thankful that we did, otherwise i wouldn't have my midwife with me during this pregnancy!). now we are once again at that place where we are asking god to help us move, this time to washington state. i've wanted to leave this city for as long as i've been here, and was always determined that i wouldn't be "stuck" in my hometown. i have often felt stuck and i'm so open to change, at almost any expense. (okay, obviously not any expense, but life is an adventure and i'm ready to live one!)

my family just recently moved to washington and we are hoping to follow close behind. my mom won't be able to meet our little girl until christmas time, and that's only if we're able to move. i'm not willing to make a plane trip alone with two babies, unless it's to stay where i'm going, and who knows when they'll be able to visit texas again. the kids have been homeschooled their entire lives (my brother, up until january when he started public school in pittsburgh) and this year my mom decided to put them in public school, so gone is the flexibility that comes with homeschooling -- no more random trips in the middle of the school year, school books in tow! i am ready to be out of this hot, hot city and move to a cooler climate. i'm excited to move to a new city, especially being able to live so close to my mom, my best friend. i've never been west, and i never imagined someday i would live in washington! but i'm so ready!

we are working toward this goal and have officially informed our family and friends that we want to move. if everything works out, we will be moving in early december. we are hoping to get rid of almost everything we own, except for what can fit into a small trailer that will hook up to our tiny car. i'll fly up with the babies (a two-year-old and a one-month-old... god help me) and john will drive the long drive. it's quite a feat but i think we will be able to accomplish it. i will breathe big breaths of fresh, rainy winter air when we arrive and know that our unconventional life in washington will all be worth it! i really enjoy moving and starting fresh, even if things don't go as expected (honestly though, i have no idea what to expect).

my little sister, who is just about to turn ten, has been praying every night to st. joseph, the patron saint of travel, that we will move there. so duh, it has to happen. (when my mom told me this it made me want to cry. how i miss my little sweetheart.) it's all in god's hands right now. i am very excited and ready, sooo ready!

concerning my child's eating habits

2011-09-27T19:36:00.000-05:00

I wrote this when River was 16 months old and never got around to posting it. Going back and reading it made me laugh. I found that for us, 12 months was that magical age when people started asking me, "you're still breastfeeding?" and similar questions. Of course, we've weaned since, but here's your answer! And for the record, two months later he decided on his own to begin filling his little tummy with solids. I was never worried. :)

Am I still breastfeeding? Yes, as you can clearly see (and I assume you already know the answer) I am still breastfeeding. It’s not so much the question that annoys me as the context in which it is said. If the question was simply, “You’re still breastfeeding?” that would be perfectly understandable for someone to voice their curiosity about extended nursing... although I think it’s sad that nursing my sixteen-month-old is considered extended breastfeeding; however, the question almost always comes in a tone a voice that says, “That’s weird! And sort of gross. Shouldn't you have weaned him like, four months ago?” Yes, I know many children are weaned at six months, and even less at one year. Yes, I know you gave your three-week-old cereal in his bottle thirty years ago. Yes, I know you think I’m probably going to nurse him until he’s twelve. Yes, I’m still breastfeeding.

No, he’s not “probably really hungry” because he “hasn’t eaten any real food.” First of all, breast milk is real food. If it is not, then I have been feeding my kid fake food his entire life. Now these Oreos I’m stuffing in my mouth? This is fake food at its finest. Second of all, River receives 90% of his nutrition from me, every day. He rarely eats more solid food than a snack here, a snack there. So if this kid is “really hungry” because the lack of “real” food, he sure doesn’t show it at 32 inches high and 23 pounds.

He is a little low in his iron, but not by much. We're working on it... but no, he’s not low in iron because I’m still breastfeeding. Breastfeeding beyond a year does not cause low iron. He has low iron because he won’t eat anything else! And in case you’re wondering (because I know you are), no, I do not deprive him of solid food, refuse to offer solid food, or discourage him eating solid food. In fact, I offer him solid food every day. I am not discouraged, worried, nor upset about his unwillingness to eat solid food. Sometimes I get a little impatient and wonder when we’ll be able to enjoy a nice family dinner together all around the table, but when it comes down to it I know that when he is ready, he will let me know.

And on that note, no, he does not need cake! Don’t oh-come-on-it's- just-one-bite me! Don't tell me the crazy story of your friend from college who didn't let her son eat cake until he turned five. (What's so wrong with that, anyway?) Did he ask for cake? Then why would I shove it in his mouth if he didn't ask for it and most definitely doesn't need it? Why are you so concerned that I am still breastfeeding, yet you want me to give my one year old cake -- something packed with sugar and of no nutritional value? Sometimes I give him tastes of cake. But why is it your business at all how often I should offer junk food to my child? He does not eat vegetables, he hardly eats fruits and grains, and you think it would be fun to give him cake. Thanks, but I would much rather give him a palate for healthy solids first.

So next time you feel the need to ask me if I’m still nursing, suggest that my child is probably unhealthy in some way because I’m still nursing, or inquire as to whether I would like to offer him a piece of cake, you know the answer. ;)

baking soda for odor

2011-09-23T12:14:00.000-05:00

when john and i were first married, we had two kittens. they were big and little brothers and the sweetest dog-cats you will ever meet. i am not a cat person, but i loved these boys. when i got pregnant my sense of smell became extremely sensitive and one morning i walked into the living room and instantly had the urge to puke. all of a sudden, i could smell the worst smell known to mankind... cat pee. that's right, my adolescent cat had been marking his territory unbeknownst to us.

so, long story short, we found new homes for the cats and my husband spent night after night using every chemical known to man (not really but almost) and steam-cleaning our carpets probably ten times, while i spent weeks just hanging out in bed, avoiding the living room. eventually, we got things back to normal and i could once again stand to be in the living room.

fast-forward about a year and a half later. we move some furniture around and i start getting these whiffs of cat urine every once in a while. you have GOT to be kidding me. (i told you this story was gross.) when we moved our area rug, we revealed the part of the carpet that he marked most, by the window under our christmas tree at the time we had the cats... it was his favorite spot to mark. that was his christmas tree, damnit.

at this point, i didn't know what to do. we'd already steam cleaned the crap out of the carpet and thought we'd taken care of the problem, and had since switched to using all-natural cleaners (not that all those chemicals did much anyway, apparently). i decided to go the baking soda route.

i had read that baking soda works wonders at removing odors, specifically carpet odors. but you don't just sprinkle the stuff... no, you pile it on. we're talking one or two inches of baking soda. it's supposed to look like it snowed in your house. so that's what i did. i heavily coated the entire area that had been under the rug and let it sit for two days before vacuuming it up.

would you believe the odor was gone? trust me, i got on hands and knees and put my nose to the carpet. in many cases, baking soda is pretty good at absorbing odors -- even strong, lingering odors. i looked it up to find out why it works, and found this:

The science behind the phenomenon is simply that sodium bicarbonate (as baking soda is known to its friends) is amphoteric; that is, it reacts with substances that have either strong acid or base pHs. [Most bad smelling things give] off a vapor of strongly acidic particles, therefore sodium bicarbonate powder, with its large surface area, will react with those particles and neutralize them by making them less acidic.

it goes on to explain why the whole baking-soda-in-the-fridge thing may not work very well, but at least that explains why it worked so well at getting rid of the cat smell, and how it could work for other odor issues as well. and hello, two boxes of baking soda is a lot cheaper than a can of carpet cleaner with nasty chemicals.

wordless wednesday: it finally rained

2011-09-21T11:21:00.000-05:00

screw being a housewife

2011-09-20T09:30:00.000-05:00

last week i boiled a chicken for dinner and had about a gallon of beautiful, golden chicken broth left over. oh, i had plans. i could put it in our rice for yummy flavor, i could saute veggies in it, i could make delicious soup. it was the reason i bought a whole chicken in the first place. i carefully poured the broth in a couple of containers, closed the lids, and let the steaming liquid cool before putting in the freezer. then i went to bed. i woke up the next morning and one of my first thoughts was, CRAP. i forgot to put the $&#% broth away! that night as i was pouring out rotten, nasty-smelling chicken broth down the drain (yes, i waited all day), i told my husband, i HATE being a housewife! (not true.) i am a horrible wife and mother! (arguable.) i suck at it! (true.)

i joke around about being messy and unorganized, but it really does bother me. when i make an effort to be organized, i almost always fail. the thing is, i love organization. i will spend hours cleaning out and sorting through stuff in a closet and actually enjoy it. why can't i translate this insanity to other parts of my life?!

a few days ago a friend of mine asked this question on facebook:

SAHM's: Please describe your house to me. Is it clean? A total wreck? Who does the cleaning and when/how?

we are in similar situations, as we both practice a lot of the same parenting philosophies, and she has a two year old and just had a baby. i figured we are probably in the same boat in a lot of ways. i took the plunge and replied with total honesty.

right at this moment? the kitchen counters and dishes are clean because we finally gave in and cleaned them last night. there is still random junk everywhere, though. papers, toys, and whatnot.

the living room is messy... there's a pee diaper under the coffee table, a few of rivers toys strewn around and some random junk on the floor -- a piece of paper, a sprayer from a spray bottle (?), my shoes, the couch throw pillows, john's socks, river's little suitcase he plays with, a wipe container, some alphabet cards, a couple blankets and pillows from our bed are on the couch, the vacuum cleaner in the corner.

our bedroom? a total mess of clothes, everywhere. clothes that are in giveaway bags, clothes that need to be folded, clothes that need to be washed. our bed is unmade, and the pile of crap on top of the dresser grows every day.

the bathroom needs to be scrubbed. the bathtub in clean but i need to clean the toilet, sink, and mop the floors. there's a pile of clothes in the corner. for the most part, everything is picked up though.

river's room is messy as anything right now. last month it was perfectly clean because he hardly ever plays in there and i had a place for everything. but now, we are still trying to organize all these new diapers and baby clothes we have, and there is just no room. i just finished bagging clothes we are getting rid of and reorganizing the diaper dresser, but there are still diapers and clothes all over his bed that have no home. his toys are all over the place because we had a little friend come over last week and together they dumped out about every toy he owns, and with everything being so unorganized in there as it is, i haven't found the motivation to clean it up.

the second living area/computer/craft area is ridiculous, mostly river's doing. books off the bookshelf, toys and shoes and sippy cups and more toys and mail and piles everywhere and just mess.

piles of laundry in the laundry closet. just finishing a load of diapers now.

all this, plus we have tile all throughout the house and it needs to be swept and mopped desperately. we have a dog who sheds like crazy and a toddler who leaves crumbs everywhere... so you can imagine.

who cleans? me. or, i don't clean, rather. LOL. i finally understand why my mom always got so pissed off when we kids made little messes... because we figured it was no big deal and she knew SHE was the one who would have to clean it up. when i was a teen, my room was almost always picked up. now, i just leave my crap wherever it is, instead of taking the effort to put it back where it goes. if everything else is just left lying around, i get overwhelmed and don't even bother picking up as i go. i know it's part of being a perfectionist. the "if i can't have everything perfect, then it's not even worth trying" mentality. on days when i do try to keep things clean and picked up, i feel like i am working my ass off ALL DAY LONG.

thanks for asking this question, it feels good to honest and blow off steam! the state of my house bothers me everyday and i just lack the motivation to do something about it. these are the resounding thoughts i have: wanting perfection, lacking motivation, and feeling completely overwhelmed. i feel like i just sat through a session with a therapist! bahaha..

i saw a video house tour from young house love a couple weeks ago and in the video she kept apologizing for the mess. i was all, "omg, that's your messy?! that's my CLEAN." so if you read that and thought, "ew." please refrain from telling me. i thought "ew" too. if you read this and thought, there IS someone out there just like me! then i'm happy to have helped you with your confidence level as a housewife. now tell me about your house so i don't feel so bad. we gotta to stick together.

AJ's chicken

2011-09-18T09:30:00.000-05:00

hello, fellow meal-challenged friends! i have another ridiculously stupideasy meal for you.

growing up, every sunday my mom made a roast with carrots and potatoes in the slow cooker and had the whole family over for lunch after church. such wonderful memories! one sunday she realized she hadn't bought a roast and wasn't sure what to make for lunch so last minute. my little brother, who was probably three or four at the time, said, "use chicken instead!" so she did, and it was delicious, and from then on we called it AJ's chicken and it was a regular meal in our home. now, my slightly different version is my "oh my god i don't know what to make for dinner" meal. we almost always have chicken breasts and potatoes on hand, and i'm always buying carrots and then not eating them and letting them go bad. so before the life of the carrots end, i make this super easy, throw-together meal for us. these measurements are all guestimations, and this is enough to feed john, river and i with a little left over.

3 chicken breasts
3 potatoes, chopped (or about 1 1/2 cups)
2 whole carrots, chopped (or about 1 cup)
1/2 large onion, chopped (or about 1/2 cup)
3 tbsp butter
salt, garlic, and rosemary to taste

the night before, i put the frozen chicken in a baking dish in the fridge to let it thaw. when it's time to prepare the meal, i add the chopped veggies to the dish, season everything and toss, and then cut the butter into chunks and place it on top of the mixture. then i cover the baking dish (with tinfoil if it doesn't have a top) and bake it in the oven at 350 degrees for about an hour, or whenever the chicken is cooked through. it's so easy and fast to make, and i love baking food rather than cooking it on the stovetop, because you don't really have to keep an eye on it. just leave it and forget it until the timer goes off. this meal is kind of hard to mess up, so just chop away at veggies until it looks right, and season until you think it'll taste good. ;)

the minimalist baby

2011-09-16T09:30:00.000-05:00

when i was pregnant with river, a friend told me that i would receive more baby clothes than anything else. she said before her son even made his entrance into the world, she piled up all his little outfits, covering the entire surface of her king-size bed. even though she had registered for a night light, a diaper stacker, a swing, a carrier, a playpen, a baby wrap, and so on, people still gave her clothes galore. who can resist the precious, little baby booties and adorable prints on tiny onesies?

i've talked with other friends about how overwhelming it is to register for your baby as a first time parent. you want to make sure you have everything -- after all, babies need a lot of stuff, right? i mean, there wouldn't be an entire super store dedicated to all things baby if not... right?! i've heard poor mamas say they've broken down sobbing during the process of registering (thanks to those awesome pregnancy hormones) and i can assure you john and i got into little spats here and there in the midst of deciding over crib sheets with safari animals or stripes, and similar, very important discussions.

the morning after river was born, we packed up and stayed at my grandparent's for a couple days while the air conditioner in our apartment was being fixed. since it was totally not planned and completely last-minute, and i had just given birth at home (not needing to pack a hospital bag, obviously), i didn't do much to prepare for being away from the house for two days with a brand new baby. we packed a couple onesies, diapers and wipes, socks, a pacifier, and a couple receiving blankets. i was worried that once we arrived, i was going to remember a bunch of things that we were in dire need of, and john would have to run to the store to pick it up. (the only time this happened was when we realized we didn't have a single burp cloth.)

when we arrived back at home two days later, i realized that i had not needed much to care for river. when he was hungry, i nursed. when he was discontent, i swaddled him. he slept in the bed with me and my husband. besides his hat and socks, i didn't even put any clothes on him because it was so hot. we used olive oil for his dry newborn skin, and breast milk to clean his gunky eyes. i was marveling at this to one of my midwives and she concurred -- she had raised six kids (seven? i can't remember) and it was true, all you really need to care for a happy, healthy baby is diapers, clothes and boobs (some may even argue the necessity of diapers).

with this little one on the way, i have found the desire to buybuybuy has diminished considerably. when you are a brand-new parent, the baby product ads really play on your emotions -- of course they do! preparing for a new baby is fun and super exciting, and the time surrounding the birth of a new baby is a romantic time. hello, it's like you're getting ready to play your own, real-life adult version of house (except this time, the babies actually do cry and poop and wake up seventeen times in the middle of the night).

of course, there are a few things that really came in handy, but if we don't get our hands on them for baby girl, i won't be disappointed.for one, i love exersaucers and swings. in those first few months, our swing helped me keep my sanity. and when river started wanting to be upright all the time, it was nice to stick him in the exersaucer for a bit when i couldn't necessarily carry him or put him on the floor. (but a brand-new exersaucer and swing that you will only use for a few months, a year at the most? not worth it to me. that's why gently-used is the way to go!) a stroller is a life-saver and i know there are quite a few anti-stroller people in the attachment parenting community, but let me tell you... when you are lugging a purse, diaper bag, camera bag, and an 18-pound baby while rushing to your next flight that is leaving in three minutes and happens to be on the complete opposite end of a giant airport, a stroller really comes in handy. just sayin'. oh and toys? pretty unnecessary for a baby, in my opinion. we never did the whole lights & music thing, and river was always way more interested in things that weren't toys at all.

what am i passing up this time around? a baby bath tub, pacifiers, a playpen, bottles, disposable diapers, a bouncer, a crib, a changing table... you name it. this baby has clothes, cloth diapers, a sling carrier, and breastmilk. (of course, i do realize that every family and every situation is different, so what may be realistic for one mama may not be realistic for another.) so far we don't have a swing or exersaucer. and i'm okay with that (for now... ask me in a few months ;). i want to get the hang of wearing this baby a lot the first few months, something i rarely did with river but always wished i could. and a bonus is the less "stuff" your little one has, the more his needs are met by human contact, which is what nature intended and how babies thrive!

wordless wednesday: the breakfast of lazy moms

2011-09-14T14:08:00.000-05:00

changed

2011-09-12T09:30:00.000-05:00

i'm not writing about this like i'm the only person this happens to. i'm sure it happens to all moms, which is why moms "lose" themselves (the person the were before they had children, when the only person you have to really answer to is... you). who am i beneath the title "mother"?

i would have never thought to describe my relationship with my baby as this, but i think all mothers become "obsessed" with their children. i don't mean like everything in my world revolves around him, or he is the main joy of my day, or everything i do is based on his part in my life, or he's changed me or made me a different person, or that i find it hard to do things for myself because he comes first, before everything including myself, sometimes including my husband, including god. oh... that's exactly what i mean.

a few weeks ago at a visit with my dear midwife, she asked, "how are you? not whitney the mother, or whitney the wife, but how is whitney the woman?" and being the complete emotional wreck that i have been during this entire pregnancy, i almost wanted to cry. i don't know why i wanted to cry. it wasn't like i was mourning, or sad at all. i guess it was... overwhelmed. almost like, there's whitney the woman? i am someone outside of a mother and wife? i'm sure you can relate.

how can a mother find herself again when she is faced with such passion? how can her life ever mean anything else when her child becomes her very world? what i mean is, practically every decision i make is weighed first on how it will affect my child. most of the time it's really not a big deal. i love everything about being a mother and making a few sacrifices doesn't mean much to me. but then i don't think about how it has affected me. in small ways that i have to really think about to discover. like... i don't wear a million bracelets anymore because it's kind of inconvenient when you're trying to deal with a kid. and before i weaned river, i hadn't worn a dress in over a year because i couldn't breastfeed in one -- and i love dresses. and i don't draw anymore, because i'm afraid my toddler will grab my paper, and it's hard to keep an eye on him when i'm concentrating on a drawing. and i'm not going back to school yet because i'm pregnant and i have a hard time pumping milk and therefore can't store milk for a baby to drink while i'm at a class. maybe that sounds really selfish, but it's something you don't realize is even happening. at least i didn't. they change your life in a sneaky, unnoticeable way.

i'm not complaining. just observing. i love, love, love being a mommy. it's the one thing i've always known i wanted to be. i wouldn't trade it for anything. who knew a small person could have such an enormous impact on your complete being? it's the most beautiful thing in the world, and i'm honored that god trusts me with these little souls.

my experience with detergents

2011-09-10T09:30:00.000-05:00

i want to start off by saying that our wash routine in the beginning was bit different than the recommended cold rinse, hot wash, cold rinse, to avoid spending the time and money on three washes [since we didn't have our own washer and there is no "rinse" option at the laundromat]. then we got a front-loader and well, that was just the biggest headache i've ever had while cloth diapering. finally, about a month ago, we traded the front-loader for a top-loader and i finally feel i have my sanity back. so it could have been that the problem i had with some of these detergents had more to do with the wash routines or wash machines than the actual detergent. also, keep in mind that for whatever wild, unexplainable reason, some detergents work great for some people, and not for others. two people could have the same kind of water, washer, and wash routine, and a detergent will work great for one mom and not the other. i don't know why. but here is my experience with detergents i've used.

charlie's soap:one cold wash with no detergent, one hot with detergent.

we decided to start off with charlie's soap because it is what is recommended in the green mountain diaper booklet that is sent with the diapers (very helpful by the way, if you are new to cloth). we used charlie's for about five months, and i can tell you that i was not in love with it. my diapers always smelled musty. sometimes when they dried outside on the line, they had that outdoor smell. and not the pleasant outdoor smell, but the smell your kids smell like when they've been playing outside in the heat for a while. yeah, that. they were always very crunchy (i could hold one up straight in the air after it dried -- if you can do this, your diapers probably aren't getting rinsed out well enough) and i never felt they were really clean, but i never had leak, rash, or build-up issues with this detergent. i wouldn't buy it again.

member's mark (sam's) ecoresponsible liquid laundry detergent:one cold wash with no detergent, one hot wash with detergent.

we used this detergent for a short amount of time in between charlie's and tide. surprisingly (especially now that i know what conventional detergents can do to cloth) we didn't have any rash, leak, or build-up issues with this detergent. the diapers seemed to get pretty clean, but were still pretty crunchy on the line. i wouldn't buy this to use with the diapers again; personally, i would not recommend a regular detergent to wash your diapers.

tide free powder:one cold wash with no detergent, one hot wash with detergent.

at just over $3 for a big box of powdered tide, i figured it was well worth it to at least try it! after the first couple times i washed the diapers with tide, using half the recommended amount of detergent as often suggested, the prefolds diapers stunk horrible -- not just ammonia, but of poop. we stripped them, thinking maybe build-up had finally caught up with us, but they didn't just have build-up, they were not even clean. i consulted the ladies on diaperswappers.com and many of them told me that using the full amount of tide would solve my problems. i started using the full amount for every wash, and after months of using charlie's, my diapers finally smelled and felt as clean as i always thought they should. they were so clean in fact, i didn't feel the need to use detergent for both washes. river was not getting a rash and all seemed to be going well, but out of the blue one day, he started leaking horribly at the leg gussets! i didn't know at the time that this was attributed to the detergent, but i stripped the diapers (again), and when i started using a cloth-diaper friendly detergent, they stopped leaking.

regular tide liquid:cold wash with no detergent, a hot wash with detergent, and then two more cold washes to rinse the diapers.and i guess i hadn't learned my lesson, because when we stayed at a friend's house for a week i just used whatever detergent they had on hand to wash our diapers, which happened to be regular liquid tide. sure enough, within just a couple days the diapers started leaking again. this time i knew it was because of the detergent, and as soon as i (once again) stripped the diapers and started using my diaper detergent, the diapers went back to their normal absorbency. (moms, just know that if your diapers are leaking every hour or two, they are NOT doing their job and something is wrong! cloth diapers are not supposed to leak like that.)

rockin' green:in my front-loader, i would do two delicate warm washes without detergent, one hot heavy-duty wash with detergent, and seriously, like 4 or 5 rinses. each time.

rockin' green is HE compatible, but it did NOT work in my front-loading machine (honestly, i don't think anything would have worked). my diapers leaked if i did any less than the above wash routine, and i just didn't feel like they were getting clean. i won't go any further into explaining, because i tried everything in the book, from adding water to the machine to washing with giant, sopping wet towels. my best piece of advice: don't get a front-loader if you plan on using cloth. sigh.

now, with a top-loader, i did one short cold wash with no detergent, one hot heavy-duty wash with detergent, and two short cold washes without. i got to experience the glory of it when i visited my mom and used her washer for our diapers. the diapers came out smelling like... nothing! which is what cloth diapers are supposed to smell like! and they were softer and for the first time, i felt like they were actually getting clean. check out my full review of rockin' green here.

country save:now that we have a top-loader, i do one warm wash with no detergent, one heavy-duty hot wash with detergent followed by two warm rinses, and a cold wash with no detergent.

i decided to try country save because it is so much cheaper than rockin' green, and i'm pretty happy with it. the wash routine is a little trickier than what i wrote above. i still haven't figured out the right amount of detergent to use. river is not using diapers as much so we are doing smaller loads (about 6 diapers), so using the full 2 ounces of detergent is way too much. i've been using 1 tablespoon, but i don't think that's enough because often, i have to do another wash (i gauge this by sniffing the diapers after the hot wash -- if they are still slightly smelly or musty at all, i do another hot wash with 1 tablespoon of detergent). the only thing is, when i use more detergent, there are tons of suds in the rinse cycles and i have to keep rinsing and rinsing until the suds are gone. sometimes this takes forever! however, my diapers are very clean and soft, even after hanging on the line. i do notice the microfiber inserts are harder to get clean than the prefolds, and this is a little frustrating. and lately, river is a little red in the bum, so i think he may be a little sensitive to this detergent. i'm not sure why.

this is why my favorite detergent ends up being rockin' green. 1) it rinses very well 2) he never got a rash and 3) i feel like my diapers were cleanest. as soon as the country save is all used up, i plan on getting more rockin' green.

so, now you tell me, what's your favorite detergent for diapers, and why?

wordless wednesday: genuinely perturbed

2011-09-07T09:30:00.000-05:00

affordable, doable prefolds

2011-09-05T07:30:00.000-05:00

with a new baby on the way, we've been stocking up on more diapers, mostly pockets. most of these diapers we've received as gifts, or have purchased with baby gift money, so i've been choosing nicer diapers i wouldn't normally spend my money on, like adorable grovia all-in-ones and rumparooz pockets. i'm realizing how expensive these diapers are, and how unrealistic it is for people to completely fill their stash with these types of diapers. it's reminding me of how affordable prefolds are, and what a great option they are if you want to cloth diaper but can't afford to spend $20 or more per diaper.

if your only option is to use prefolds you are not getting the short end of the stick. they work wonderfully and are not difficult to use. we used prefolds for river exclusively for over a year and i have plenty of friends who actually prefer prefolds over any other type of cloth diaper. cloth diapering in itself is a little more work than using disposables, and i haven't really found prefolds to be that much harder than using pocket diapers.

how affordable are prefolds? in this hypothetical cloth diapering scenario, i'm going to give you an example of a diaper stash using what i've found to be my favorite products after two years of diapering -- not caring about cost, but not spending more than i would realistically if i were starting a prefold-only stash from scratch: chinese cotton prefolds (infant), clotheez prefolds (medium), thirsties duo wraps, happy heinies hemp inserts (for night-time diapering), snappi fasteners, a home-made diaper sprayer, and a planet wise wet bag. wash day is every three days.

14 thirsties duo wraps (6 size-1, 8 size-2) - $179

2 dozen chinese infant prefolds - $45

2 dozen medium clotheez prefolds - $64

5 happy heinies hemp inserts - $15
5 snappi fasteners - $15

diaper sprayer made at home - $25

planet wise wet bag - $21

total - $364

- for this stash, i chose an excellent cover. thirsties are my fav! some people would say you really don't need 8 covers, but i prefer to have a good selection, just in case.
- my prefold choice is based on quality and how long the prefolds will be used. i have found clotheez prefolds made by green mountain diapers to be excellent prefolds. i wouldn't choose them for the infant stage though, because the chinese infant prefolds fit longer (up to 15 pounds) and aren't as pricey.
- i added hemp inserts to the stash for night-time diapering, because they are super absorbent and work great when you put them under the prefold in the cover.
- i've learned that snappis are not essential, but if you want to use them, four or five is a realistic number. not initially, but you may have to replace some (and you will lose some). however, often times i just trifold the prefold and lay it in the cover, no fastener required. i do like to use snappies every once in a while. it really just depends on my mood.
- you can buy a pre-made diaper sprayer, but it's not worth it to me when you can just put one together easily at home for half the price, by picking up a few items at your local hardware store. if your hubby (or you!) is the least bit handy, he can put one together in a snap!
- i really like my planet wise hanging bag, but i just put the regular wet bag on this list. the hanging bag is an extra ten bucks, and we don't hang ours anyway because the weight of the diapers gets too heavy for the doorknob.

add to this the cost of washing your diapers 12 times a month, and that's roughly about $60 a year spent on rockin' green diaper detergent. not bad. go ahead and add costs for shipping (or purchase from a cloth diaper website that offers free shipping, or better yet, buy locally if possible) and you're still saving tons of money. how about check craigslist or diaper swappers for gently used diapers? saving even more. and keep in mind, prefolds and covers can be used through multiple children!

here is a medium clotheez prefold tri-folded and laid in a thirsties cover. this is a perfectly good way to use prefolds, no snappi required! and when baby starts to grow out of his prefolds, you can continue to use them in this way rather than trying get a snug fold.

here is the same prefold fastened on river with a snappi. these prefolds have fit river since he was 4 months and 16 pounds and fit perfectly right now, at 25 months and 25 pounds.

is it not crazy to you that you can diaper your child for three years for this amount of money? even though i've written about the savings of cloth diapers before and have been cloth diapering for two years, it still amazes me.

daddy's shoes

2011-09-03T12:18:00.002-05:00

every baby needs a picture in his daddy's shoes, right? this morning river came toddling down the hallway in daddy's shoes and hat (my husband is never without a hat) and my heart just about melted. he proceeded to go about his morning -- riding his scooter, playing with blocks, having a nice chat on the phone with blue from blues clues -- dressed in the hat (the shoes weren't quite the right fit). i love this boy.

and the little one said, roll over

2011-09-01T17:01:00.001-05:00

sharing sleep with our son... there is nothing sweeter than being woken up to a chipper "hi mama!" and tiny kisses on the lips and little chubby hands trying to fit my glasses on my face. it is the best morning greeting, better than the sun shining on my face. i love waking up in the middle of the night and laying a hand on his chest, making sure he's still breathing in... breathing out... i love that he's right there next to me, that if he wakes up in the dark he won't be scared because he knows i'm right next to him. sometimes he snuggles back to sleep, sometimes he wraps his little arm around my neck, sometimes he stays where he is. i love how when i go to bed, he's there sleeping, looking like a little angel (like all babies and mischievous toddlers when they're sleeping) and it's my turn to snuggle to sleep. it's precious, and john loves it too...

of course i wasn't thinking this at all at five o'clock this morning as river was tossing and turning and waking me up for the forth time. he normally sleeps well, but on those off nights, it's brutal. especially since i am pregnant and can't function on less than a full night's sleep. plus every time i am woken in the middle of the night, i have to pee. it never fails. and it's not easy to get out of bed when your stomach is the size of a basketball.

we are just 6 weeks (hopefully!) away from meeting our little girl and with a queen size bed and the fact that the boy child sometimes sleeps horizontally with his heel in between my shoulder blades, co-sleeping with four in the bed is just not going to work. putting another bed in our room or moving the mattress to the floor, like many bed-sharing families do, sounds wonderful but is not an option. i am mourning this yet rejoicing at the same time. if we weren't expecting a new baby, i wouldn't even be thinking of moving river to his own bed. as mentioned above, we really do love co-sleeping. but i am looking forward to having our little girl in the bed with us, and perhaps getting a few night's sleep before she arrives without being squished up against the side rail.

you may have read about our night-weaning experience. that was fun. no it wasn't. i'm not really thrilled about co-sleep "weaning." for your entertainment, i will post how it goes. we're starting on monday, no exceptions! have you ever forced a bed-sharing kid out of your bed before? any tips?

wordless wednesday: watering

2011-08-31T19:10:00.000-05:00

(okay, i know this isn't exactly wordless, but in case you need an
explanation as to why he's naked yet again: it's hot. & i like not having to change diapers.)

wordless wednesday: sitting by the tree

2011-08-24T09:00:00.000-05:00

a little sewing for a little girl

2011-08-23T08:00:00.000-05:00

part of the reason we "live simply" is because, uh... we don't have the money to live any other way! but i love it... sometimes it's a challenge. i love buying used, knowing i'm giving a "new" life to something that did not end up in the dump, or creating something rather than buying. with a little girl on the way, i have been having so much fun making baby clothes. there is just so much more you can do for little girls that you can't do for boys! frills, lace, ruffles, buttons, flowers... not to mention the added pinks and shades of purple that just never make it to my little boy's wardrobe... ;)

about a year ago i made my first diaper cover out of fleece material. it's definitely not fool-proof and because it's made out of fleece it really only works when we are around the house and can change a diaper quickly (or for extra protection at night, under a PUL cover -- resulting in a very large diaper butt). but making it was so fun and gave me the confidence to explore the world of sewing even more! when it comes to sewing, i've realized the main thing to keep in mind is that when you are learning, you will mess up. you will make wrong cuts, you will waste fabric, you will sew and then have to pull out everything you just sewed and then re-sew, and then maybe sew again. sometimes, your finished product will look like crap. and you can't let it get to you. eventually, you will create something you're actually proud of -- maybe even a little impressed with!

a couple weeks ago i made my friend nataly's little girl a pillow case dress (only not made with a pillow case) for her birthday. again -- FUN! and encouraging. i figured if it's possible to make something as simple as a rectangular piece of fabric and some ribbon cute, maybe i could try to make a dress that's a bit more complicated. so after discovering that we have tons of 6 month and toddler clothing but hardly any newborn to 3 months clothing, i decided our little girl needs some little newborn dresses. this was great, because i have a lot of scraps of fabric; not a whole lot of one pattern, so i was totally able to make teeny clothes out of small pieces of fabric. and i'm glad i'm finally finding a use for all my fabric scraps and not letting them go to waste.

this was the first one i made. it is quite lopsided and handmade
looking, but i lovelove the colors and the roses are my favorite!
i learned how to make them using the tutorial on the awesome blog, make it & love it.

this was my second attempt and i am very pleased! still kind
of lopsided, and i used the wrong side of the ribbon when
making one of the straps (woops), but i am very proud of this one.

and i made her these dorky pants, too. john thinks they
look funny but it think they will be cute on a newborn...
i'm picturing her tiny toes sticking out those huge flared bottoms.
i didn't make the onesie (i wish) but look! it matches! :)

sick of the birth wars

2011-08-21T21:00:00.001-05:00

i am tired of hearing extremes from both sides. i hate hearing from my fellow natural-birthers that mothers who choose to get an epidural or have c-sections don't bond with their children as well as women who have natural births. what an entirely heartless thing to say. do i believe the natural birth process can help with the bonding process? absolutely. but i don't believe it is the only factor in that early bonding process. and i know there are amazing, 100% devoted and loving mothers out there who've had elective c-sections (gasp).

i am also heartbroken and weary of hearing stories of incompetent midwives making ignorant or selfish decisions that result in the death of a baby. "homebirth" means a lot of things when it comes to statistics. these aren't just the planned homebirths of low-risk women with well-trained midwives. these are unassisted homebirths, unplanned homebirths, homebirths of teenage girls too afraid to tell anyone they are pregnant, homebirths of women living in poverty who could not afford health care, and homebirths attended by midwives like those mentioned.

i also am tired of those homebirths being the only ones people in the medical field reference to, and hearing that women who choose homebirth care more about the birth experience than about their baby. i am sick of hearing the mothers blamed for the death of their babies, and sick of deaths of babies in hospitals being ignored. the truth is, not one side is perfect. a mother must trust HER instinct and birth where she feels safest. i am along the line of thinking that birth is inherently safe -- i know many people will disagree with me on this one -- and that often, it is the situation the mother finds herself in that makes the birth unsafe. not that issues don't arise naturally, but i do believe that 98% of the time, with a good, well-trained, understanding and attentive care provider, birth is safe.

i can say, being on the homebirth side of things, i became defensive very quickly, because i'd only ever known hospital birth. i may be wrong, but my line of thinking is that in a society where 99% of women choose to birth in a hospital, hospital births don't need defending (unless you've been personally attacked... then by all means ;). if you've ever assumed i've judged you for your birth choices, know that i have not. my anger lies not in the choices of women, but in our health care system, the lies surrounding natural childbirth, the stories i hear day after day, and how women who have been hurt or traumatized are left thinking that's all there is, and that they should just settle for that kind of experience or treatment. i am not ignorant enough to think that's all there is in hospitals -- but i do know it is quite common.

i've heard so many people say, "it's just birth. so what if you have a good experience." but i can't sit here and tell you "it's just birth." not after what i experienced. and i'm not sitting on my high horse saying my experience was better than yours. if you were satisfied and happy with your hospital birth, had a great obstetrician, felt taken care of, had an epidural or cesarean section and wouldn't ask for anything different, who am i to say my birth was better than yours? i am not here to change your mind -- what my goal has been, always, is to show women that birth doesn't have to be scary or traumatic, and that it can be different than what most americans believe it to be. the truth is, it's not "just birth." women are impacted in some way when they give birth. hello, you are birthing a life into this world. it is the one of the most life-altering things you can go through. and so what if a woman says she feels empowered and strong after giving birth naturally? who is anyone to sit there and mock her, or tell her she's being selfish?

my faith in god comes into play in how i view birth, as well -- which is not something everyone is going to relate to. if i am talking to a non-religious woman about how i trust god because my body was designed for birth and i believe birth to be an amazing gift and spiritual experience, she is going to think i am crazy and it is going to mean nothing to her.

do i believe homebirth to be the best for me? obviously -- otherwise, i wouldn't choose to have one. if i felt for any reason that i would need to birth in a hospital, i would. but believe it or not, i don't think it is the best for everyone. some women need to be in a hospital to feel safe. some women need an epidural to calm their fears. but what i do believe above anything, is that every woman needs to educate herself about her body and the process of birth and needs to find the best option for her, whether that is in a hospital, birth center, or at home. don't just trust everything you hear. research, research, research. ask questions. don't go with a midwife just because it feels good. and don't go with an OB just because that's what everyone else is doing.

there's no point in these birth wars. what it comes down to is that women need to decide for themselves what is best, and everyone else just needs to back off. if someone has a different opinion than you -- so what. respect it. there is no reason for hateful language, bigoted attitudes, and assumptions about someone you do not even know. understand that they have that opinion for a reason. homebirth moms need to stop trying to make hospital birthing moms feel guilty for their decisions, and obstetricians need to shut up about something they have never even experienced. everyone needs to step off their high horse and mind their own damn business.

phew! how's that for pregnancy hormones?

on an ending note, of course i will continue to talk about and advocate for homebirth. and god willing, i will continue to be able to have homebirths. it is my passion, and if i come across as in-your-face about it, i don't mean disrespect, and don't misinterpret my passion as judgement.

soon to be making an appearance

2011-08-19T18:43:00.000-05:00

i lurve babies. whether someone's having their first or their tenth, i get super excited for any of my friends who are welcoming a precious new life into their family. back in february, we attended the birthday dinner of one of our friends, and told them that, surprise, i was pregnant with number two. yay, okay, a new baby, exciting. with your second (and beyond, i'm sure) it's more like a pat on the back, and when you have two kids in less than three years of marriage, shock and awe. so we settled into our chairs at the restaurant and ordered our food. as everyone was finishing up their meal, ben and erin handed out valentine's gifts to their parents and asked us to photograph their reactions as they opened the gift. can you guess what was inside? okay, no, not a baby, but a picture of a positive pregnancy test was. best birthday lunch EVER! it was especially exciting to be pregnant with a friend this time around.

and now, eight months later, little jaden is going to be making his appearance in just two short weeks. be on the lookout for follow-up newborn pics. ;) congrats, erin and ben! you know we are ecstatic for you guys.

remember when i was all, "i'm putting river on a routine"?

2011-08-17T12:38:00.003-05:00

okay. okay.

i know i've said three thousand times that i am going to get organized, but this time I AM GOING TO GET ORGANIZED! i have to. with a little one due in october, i'm not sure if this lazy, whatever, no-routine thing we have going on is realistic if i am going to keep my sanity. river has certainly crossed the border from sweet, energetic baby who gets into nearly everything to still-sweet but strong-willed, energetic toddler who really does get into everything because he can reach/open/maneuver it. one mom told me she had a kid just like him and that her daughter needed to be constantly doing something -- whether that was cutting paper, stuffing tissue into a box, or squishing play-dough between her fingers. this is river exactly, and i can tell he is starving for a routine.

my one hesitation is my lack of energy. when i am pregnant, if i don't get about ten hours of sleep every night, i am dead. and i also have been experiencing some insomnia. i go to bed and fall asleep fine, but a couple hours later i'm wide awake and can't fall back asleep for a couple hours. then, when i finally do fall back asleep, it's that dozy kind of sleep where you feel like you're awake the whole time, and when your two year old wakes you up with a cheery HI MAMA OATMEAL PLEASE C'MON MAMA UP! :D :D :D you think to yourself, "noooo.... wasn't it four in the morning five minutes ago and wasn't i just making a grocery list in my head? i need sleeeeeep" and then you pretend to be asleep for another hour while your hungry toddler sits there whimpering and singing to himself and every now and then, attempts to ask you for oatmeal again, with little success, until finally you either hit your husband awake enough times that it's his turn to make oatmeal or you force yourself out of bed, figuring your kid is probably actually really hungry at this point, and this is probably considered neglectful parenting, or something like that. or maybe that's just me.

of course, my other hesitation is that i am completely unorganized by nature and me saying, "i'm going to be organized!" is like me saying, "i'm going to climb the himalayas!" even when i try my hardest to be organized, i fail. but i have two months to try to at least accomplish something. river needs to move to his own bed and i can't just spring this on him without any warning. right now our bed-time routine is pretty much non-existent. he falls asleep with us when we go to bed, or in his high-chair mid-peanut butter sandwich, like tonight. when he was nine months old, i had come to the end of my rope with him waking up in the middle of the night and wanting to play for a couple hours, and then nursing every hour on top of that, so i started doing a little bed-time ritual with him: first he would get a bath, then we'd go into our room and turn on an amber light that was soothing and kept the room pretty dark, and i'd talk to him in a quiet voice. we'd put on PJs, read a book or two, and then i'd nurse him to sleep. believe it or not, he started sleeping better at night and woke up less to nurse. it was like magic. i know kids thrive on routine and that god is a god of order and created us to seek order, but you should see my living room right now. it really does take a lot of self-discipline for me to be orderly and stick to something i am not thrilled about.

am i just a hopeless case? this whole commitment to routine thing is freaking me out. i'm not sure i can do it.

glitter

2011-08-17T01:11:00.003-05:00

all he wanted to do

2011-08-16T00:23:00.002-05:00

remembering breastfeeding my little boy...

this picture cracked me up and i had to share it. this was river's birthday last year, and as we were opening presents, all he wanted to do was nurse! i can't wait to nourish my little girl in the same way. it's such a special relationship. :)

a toddler art party

2011-08-15T10:55:00.000-05:00

to celebrate river's second birthday with family and friends, we threw a little art party. on a long table we set up canvases, paints, scrapbook paper, glue, glitter, scissors, and raffia and let the kids have at it! it was fun to see their creations. what good little blooming artists!

it was a morning birthday party, so for food we had egg casserole, fruit, and no birthday party in san antonio is without chips and salsa. i'm proud to say the casseroles were a hit, and i actually made a third casserole last-minute as guests were arriving -- and it's a good thing i did because they were eaten completely! the cake was a yellow cake and the cupcakes were chocolate -- nothing really healthy about it (uh... other than the organic cream cheese in the frosting and whole wheat flour in the chocolate cupcakes, but i'm pretty sure the refined sugar canceled that out ;), but they were made from scratch as opposed to a box cake or pre-made store-bought cake, and five ingredients is healthier than fifty, right?

for decor we just hung paper pom poms and a "hooray, river is two!" banner. i can't bring myself to buy balloons anymore, and the pom poms are a great "greener" alternative, though it does take a lot longer to fold, cut, and fluff 12 pom poms than to blow up 12 balloons... but they are much cuter. :) i wish i had gotten more pictures, but when you're busy planning and executing an party the last thing you think of is to actually take any pictures, even if you're a photographer. but here is what i did get -- enjoy!

two.

2011-08-13T17:51:00.007-05:00

my baby became a two-year-old over night.

one moment he'll be eating face-first out of his bowl like a puddy (puppy), the next he's shaking glitter all over his hands and then tranferring said glitter to the table/chair/floor, and moments later he'll be bringing me my folded clothing (now unfolded, of course) and an armful of hangers (which means, like, two): "here, mama! clothes!" he loves hanging on things like a monkey (doorknobs, counter tops... anything above three feet that will hold his weight) and lately has a fascination with turning on the faucet in the bathroom sink, now that he can reach it, and washing his hands with 72 squirts of soap. everything is turned into a cell phone (a remote, the right size book or piece of paper, you name it) and anything can be turned into a song ("maaamaa... mama daddy maaamamaaaaa. booook, mama reeeeead, night-night mamadaddymamaaaaa"). he wakes up every morning in the greatest mood... snuggling and cuddling and stroking my face while i pretend to be asleep, and then the moment i open my eyes he gasps and says in the most dramatic, drawn-out, sweetest voice, "HIII MAMAA!" like i am just the best thing in the world. his favorite foods: bananas, tacos, oatmeal, yogurt, eggs, and strawberries. his favorite things? drums, airplanes, puppies, the water hose, baths, reading books, playing outside, and dancing. this boy. can. dance.

i keep saying how i can't believe how much he's grown and how i'll look at him and think, "wow, now he's really not a baby anymore!" but seriously, this time i mean it more than ever before. he is, for real this time, a full-grown toddler. i can hardly believe he's two. he has been, from the day he was born, the light of my life. every day is wonderful and fun because of this teeny boy. i kind of can't believe it.

let me start off by saying second birthdays are much more fun than first birthdays. of course first birthdays are amazing milestones and special in every way. but this time, we were able to do so much more with him and enjoyed watching him enjoying his day. it started off with his favorite breakfast -- oatmeal with peaches! around lunch time we headed to chickfila to get him some ice cream and play in the play area (which he calls the swing... even though there are no swings). he's never had his own ice cream before, so we thought it'd be a special treat. he had a different idea, though. he was excited about i-keem (ice cream) until he saw the wing (play area), and then he wanted nothing to do with ice cream. there we were standing in line for ice cream and he's trying to clamber out of my arms. it went something like this.

river: WING! WING!
me: don't you want some ice cream?
river: no! wing.
me: look, mmm! ice cream! let's order some ice cream first!
river: noooo, wing wing wing! no i-keem! wing!
me: you don't want ice cream?!
river: no. WING! (seriously, what do i have to do to convince this lady?)
me: wait, look! there's yogurt. you love yogurt! want some yogurt?
river: N-- yeah. yuhgut.
me: do you want ice cream or yogurt?
river: YUHGUT!
me: really? (thinking, no way... let's try this again) do you want ice cream?
river: no.
me: do you want yogurt?
river: yeah, yuhgut!
me: do you want ice cream...or yogurt?
river: yuhgut!

eating yogurt and waving to passersby outside the window.

and there you have it. he was more excited about the "wing" than the ice cream, and more excited about the yogurt than the swing. and so the birthday boy got his special yogurt treat, made special only by the fact that it probably had 30 grams of sugar in it and he's used to eating it plain & unsweetened. afterwards, of course, he wung on the nonexistent wing.

we then went to target for some new clothes and shoes and to pick out a little present. honestly, this is the first time in his entire life that i've actually had to shop for clothes for him. we've always been crazy blessed with hand-me-downs from tons of people, enough that we actually receive too much and can pick out our favorites and donate the rest. i had so much fun buying him a couple cute shirts. for his present, we gave him the option of a puzzle, a sock monkey, and a tiny airplane, and he picked -- the airplane, for a mere $2.50.

that night we had church and he fell asleep and woke up grumpy when we stopped for gas... so i bought him one last treat for his birthday. his first chocolate milk. i'm pretty sure he loved it, not just because of this cheesy smile, but because he was not happy when it was gone!

obsessssssed with breastfeeding

2011-08-08T19:16:00.003-05:00

A few weeks ago on Facebook someone mentioned in passing my “obsession with breastfeeding." My first reaction was to be offended, because it came from someone who does not have children and I took it that they were using it in a negative way. After thinking for a while about the word they chose, I did realize that while any other “lactivist” will understand why I post article after article pertaining to breastfeeding, to anyone else, especially to those who chose to bottle feed or to those without children, it must very well look like I am obsessed with breastfeeding!

Now, I assure you, I do not walk around thinking about boobs and human milk all day, but if obsessed is what you want to call it, then why exactly am I so obsessed?

In our culture, breastfeeding is taboo. You’ll see grown men become embarrassed and skittish when the topic of breastfeeding comes up, or if a woman breastfeeds her child in front of them. You’ll hear about other mothers wanting breastfeeding moms to cover up or leave the room, so their husbands and adolescent boys don’t get a peep show. Yet you’ll never see anyone ashamedly turning their head when a Victoria’s Secret commercial comes on, or asking a young woman to wear a blanket over her shoulders and chest when she is in her bathing suit, or mothers covering the eyes of their children as they stand in line at the grocery store surrounded by a dozen magazines with half-naked women on the covers. In our culture, it’s okay for boobs to strictly be sexual objects. It is okay for tween Disney stars to wear revealing, low-cut blouses, for young women to increase their breast size to increase their confidence, and for women to use their breasts as a way of grabbing the attention of men. And in this same culture, breastfeeding is icky. Breastmilk is gross. Mothers should breastfeed elsewhere, as if it is wrong or something to be ashamed of.

I’m not going to lie, breastfeeding is not always easy. I am very lucky to have had an easy time with it with River, but even then, it was painful for the first couple months and I suffered two bouts of mastitis. Aside from being painful, at first I found it incredibly awkward to breastfeed around people and inconvenient to have to find a private place if I didn’t have the confidence to just feed River where I was. In those early months, I did not like breastfeeding. One day, I remember thinking, I totally get why some women choose formula!!!

I truly believe I had such an easy time is because of the amazing support I had in my group of breastfeeding friends and family members. If I’d chosen to bottle feed, there probably would have been a freak-out from some of the women closest to me. Sadly, for some mamas, it’s quite the opposite; there is a freak-out because they choose to breastfeed. One breastfeeding friend shared with me that before she got pregnant with her daughter and started reading about breastfeeding, she had never before considered it because she came from a family of exclusive formula-feeders. Her mother, aunts, and sister-in-law all fed their babies formula from day one. That’s just how it was done in their family. When she made the decision that she would breastfeed, her friends told her she was crazy. One woman told her she thinks breastfeeding is “disgusting.” If I had been surrounded by this kind of attitude when I was dealing with those common struggles in the first few months, I may have quit, thinking if everyone else thought it was crazy and disgusting, if it was hurting so much and if it was so inconvenient, I might as well switch to formula.

It is heartbreaking to me that this is the kind of attitude our society has toward breastfeeding, and that when women are interested in nourishing their babies the natural way, they are bombarded with negative responses, lies and myths, like, “Your body probably won’t produce enough milk,” and, “If you’re baby gets jaundice, you’ll have to supplement with formula,” and, “If your baby’s so fussy, you should try formula – she’s probably not getting enough milk, or she’s allergic to your milk.” These are all things that have been told to friends of mine, and they are very common. And they aren’t true. When I was pregnant, I was surprised a commonly asked question was, “Are you going to breastfeed?” What surprised me even more is that the response to my yes was, “Oh, I tried for a couple weeks. It was awful. I just couldn’t do it.”

Unfortunately, this is the kind of information available through the media and acquaintances and ill-informed friends.

This is why I’m “obsessed” with breastfeeding. I want people to see the articles I post. I want people to get used to hearing that boobs are for babies, not sex. I want people to be aware of how our society views breastfeeding and know that this is not healthy, and that because of this, it is not always easy to breastfeed in America; in fact, it can be quite discouraging and frustrating. I want people to understand what some women go through to give their babies the best possible nourishment, and to be sensitive to breastfeeding moms they know, especially new mothers. I want people to know that breastmilk and formula are not one in the same – that breastmilk gives life-long protection from diseases like obesity, diabetes and asthma, and that breastfeeding is an amazing bonding experience.

I know that breast is best, and I’m proud to be a sometimes “loud” voice for breastfeeding. Even if it does make me come across as a little obsessed. ;)

a baby shower for a little lady

2011-08-06T12:07:00.001-05:00

although we have known for weeks, and if you are a friend in real life or on facebook, you probably already know, but i have yet to announce it on my blog... because i wanted to make a big deal about it. i've been neglecting this poor thing lately and didn't want to just pop in and be all, "oh yeah, and by the way.." so yes, six weeks after we found out, i would like to announce that...

it's a girl! i still can hardly believe it. the other day i got rid of a lot of river's old baby clothes (only keeping a few favorites for future... waaaay in the future.. kids) and as i was saying goodbye to teeny blue outfits in giant bags to pass onto a friend who is expecting a boy, i couldn't help but think, "wait... should i really get rid of this stuff? just in case..."

a few months ago, these friends of ours found out (on april fool's day, no less) that they were expecting a girl. how exciting! they both wanted a girl. had her name picked out and everything. when they went in for a second sonogram, however, the OB announced, "i'm so sorry, i know i said your baby was a girl... but this is definitely a boy!" they went in for a 4D ultrasound just to make sure, and sure enough, baby aleah was really baby jaden. so, i'm a bit worried that maybe, just maybe, the same thing will happen to us. i know it's not likely, but i wanted a girl so bad, i'm still half-expecting a boy!

a couple weekends ago, three amazing friends of mine threw me an absolutely beautiful, perfectly girly baby shower.

some of the decor... that yellow snowsuit type thing is one that i

wore when i was a baby! i'm so glad my mom saved it. i'm

hoping when little girl gets here in october, it will be cold

enough for her to wear it... probably not, but i hope. :)

we set up a vase of branches with little scrapbook paper tags for

people to write "wishes" or prayers for the baby. such a sweet idea!

my diaper cake that one of my friends made... out of cloth diapers!

a table full of candy for guests to take home in little bags.

it was everything i could have asked for! a fun, pink celebration of a little life with our friends... it was so fun opening all the pink packages. we received a lot of cloth diapers and now this baby has an entire drawer full of her own pink diapers! (river has since used a couple, for the few times we ran out of clean diapers and needed to borrow some from his little sister... ha. :)

river's first haircut

2011-07-27T21:12:00.002-05:00

well, we did it. we chopped all his hair off! it was about time. i was done feeling sad about it and just wanted to get it done already! a couple weeks before we took him to get it cut, john cut his bangs to get them out of his eyes, and then he really looked like a little girl. we were constantly hearing, "oh, she's so cute! her curls are precious!"

the morning we had it cut, it was a complete rat's nest in the back, half-dreads sticking up at all angles. people keep asking if i miss it, and... nope. not at all! i love it shorter, i don't have to brush it as often (i'm a lazy mama ;), and i think he's much more comfortable in this three-digit weather we've been having.

hey river, ready to get your hair cut? and this is the face he gave me.

he did really well... i was so proud of him! he didn't know what was going on and i could tell he was nervous... at one point he was just sitting there when all of a sudden, he yells, "AH." and that's the only peep he made the entire time. it was pretty funny. he was happy to get out of the chair!

fuzzibunz WINNER!

2011-07-13T11:40:00.004-05:00

Out of 133 entries, random.org has chosen comment #49, Claudilia!

Congratulations! Just email me your info and your Fuzzibunz one-size pocket diaper from Go Baby Go will be on its way. Thanks, Go Baby Go, for sponsoring this giveaway! :)

fuzzibunz giveaway from go, baby, go! CLOSED

2011-07-05T18:02:00.003-05:00

Today’s giveaway is from Go Baby Go Shop, a local natural parenting store in my city! As popular as Fuzzibunz diapers are, before Liz sent me one to review I had never used one before. Now I have three in my stash, two of which are for baby #2 -- I love them!

The one-size Fuzzibunz pocket diaper is a unique system because of one feature I haven’t seen in any other diaper: the way the sizes are adjusted. I didn’t even realized the diaper was different until I’d used it a couple times and realized there weren’t any snaps in the front to change the size, so I did a little investigating and found out that instead of snaps, the elastic inside the diaper can be stretched and buttoned in place to make the diaper smaller. Very cool!

Pulling the elastic tighter to adjust the size.

Buttoning the elastic in place.

Tucking the excess elastic inside the diaper.

Nice and neat, and so convenient!

Now, I can sew a straight line and do cute little crafty things, but I’ve never attempted to replace the broken elastic on one of my favorite pocket diapers. And so another really great thing about this feature is that when the elastic becomes worn, it can be easily replaced with more elastic. Every Fuzzibunz one-size diaper comes with extra elastic -- this is a fix any mama can do! This will save money over time as well, because instead of replacing an entire shell if the elastic goes out, you’re just replacing the elastic. Genius! I wish other diapers had this feature. :)

One little thing I appreciate about this diaper that took me a while to realize is that it’s super easy to stuff. Most of the time, a lot of shuffling and adjusting is required to get an insert in a pocket shell in flat and even, to prevent leaks, but the Fuzzibunz insert just goes right in. I think it’s because the crotch area of the diaper is not as wide as other pockets -- although, this does mean my husband can’t stuff the diapers because his hands are too big!

sporting his fuzzibunz!

Overall, I really like the easy and smart design of the Fuzzibunz one-size pocket diaper. Go Baby Go! is giving away one Fuzzibunz one-size pocket diaper to a lucky winner. This giveaway will be open until Tuesday, July 12th, 2011, when I close the giveaway in the title. Good luck!

- For the mandatory entry, please visit Go Baby Go and tell me which color you'd pick if you won -- there are so many to choose from!
- Be a follower of Leaves of My Tree
- Like Go Baby Go Shop on Facebook and thank them for the giveaway on Leaves of My Tree.
- Like Leaves of My Tree on Facebook
- Like Fuzzibunz on Facebook.
- Follow Go Baby Go on Twitter.
- Follow Leaves of My Tree on Twitter
- Share this giveaway on any social media site (Twitter, Facebook, message boards, etc.)

Please leave a separate comment for each entry so it can be counted!

dinkledooz WINNER!

2011-07-02T17:36:00.000-05:00

we have a winner! according to random.org, comment #63 has won the giveaway, paula michele! congrats paula on winning the dinkledooz one-size pocket diaper... please email me at info@leavesofmytree.com so i can send your info to gogo natural, and they will send the diaper your way! and huge thanks to gogo natural for sponsoring this giveaway. :)

gogo natural giveaway: dinkledooz pocket diaper CLOSED

2011-06-25T08:06:00.059-05:00

from the moment i opened my package from gogo natural, i was in love with my dinkledooz pocket diaper. first of all, if you are a cloth-diaper user, you know that not all PUL is the same. the PUL on this diaper is obviously of high-quality, soft & not plastic-y, super stretchy and thick. the lining inside and the inserts that come with the diaper are very soft, even if you're a line-dryer (my inserts usually get a bit crunchy when i dry them on the line, but the two inserts that came with the dinkledooz diaper have remained soft). the elasticity in the back and on the tabs is just stretchy enough to get that perfect fit. i love the snaps, which are strong and secure. i often see pocket diapers with not enough snaps to fit a teeny baby, but this one-size diaper looks like it will fit a newborn when snapped to its smallest size. there are even snaps placed to prevent wing droop, which is an annoying problem i've dealt with when using many other pocket diapers and diaper covers.

the first time we used our dinkledooz diaper was over-night with the two inserts (quite a leap of faith for a first-time use!). river wore the diaper for about eleven hours during the night without a single hint of a leak. his clothes weren't the slightest bit damp and i even left the diaper on for a couple hours after he woke up, which means this diaper lasted for thirteen hours, even through his morning pee when the floodgates open. not a leak in site. i was looking forward to getting this diaper washed and ready to use again asap!

after three months of use, i love this diaper just as much as the first time i used it. last week i put him in his dinkledooz for a day out, knowing that i could trust it to last for hours. it was a long day. we hit a vintage bicycle show, then went to a cousin's birthday party, headed to friend's house for a couple hours, and then met up with more friends for some midnight pie and coffee. when i finally took him to the bathroom in the restaurant, i was thinking, wow! all this time, and no leaks... and then i remembered it was because he was wearing his dinkledooz.

everyone knows the phrase "don't judge a book by its cover," buuut i totally do when it comes to cloth diapers. i was a little skeptical at first, because dinkledooz was such a new brand (they are about seven months old now) and at the time, i couldn't find any reviews on the diaper. i have been very pleasantly surprised, and can honestly say that dinkledooz is my favorite diaper. i tell everyone who says they have problems with leaks to check them out. river is a heavy wetter and he has never -- not once -- leaked out of this diaper.

go go natural is giving away a free dinkledooz pocket diaper to one winner! i am so excited about this giveaway and want to hear from the winner how they like their dinkledooz. would you like to win?!

1. for the mandatory entry please go to gogonatural.com and take a look at their dinkledooz pocket diapers. tell me which color you'd pick if you won.

for more ways to enter, you can do the following!

2. be a follower of leaves of my tree through google friends connect for two entries. (if you are already a follow, yes, it counts!)

3. "like" gogo natural's facebook page for one entry.

4. "like" leaves of my tree's facebook page for one entry.

5. "like" dinkledooz on facebook for one entry.

6. follow gogo natural on twitter for one entry.

7. follow leaves of my tree on twitter for one entry.

8. follow dinkledooz on twitter for one entry.

9. one entry for every time you share this giveaway with a link on social media site (this includes facebook, twitter, message boards, anything!)

10. one entry for for every $1 spent at gogonatural.com from now until the giveaway closes. if you buy one ten dollar product... that's ten entries!

this giveaway will run for one week until saturday, july 2nd when i close the giveaway in the title. one winner will be chosen at random and will receive one dinkledooz one-size pocket diaper. a huge thanks to go go natural for sponsoring this giveaway!

strawberry stained

2011-06-23T20:56:00.000-05:00

the other day we found the most perfect strawberries i have ever seen. they were plump, bright red, without a flaw -- not a bruise or wilted leaf in sight!

when we finished the (entire) carton, river was rather red and dribbly. they reminded me of one of my favorite books when i was a kid, the little mouse, the red, ripe strawberry, and the big hungry bear. it is sure to make you crave some strawberries...